Anchorman II: The Legend of Mike Snyder

I know, I know. I'm Unfair Park's sportsy guy--like Anchorman's Champ, only without the hat and the mutton-chop sideburns. And the humor. But I also know horrible TV, and when I see it, I'm glued to it. That's why I spent (by which I mean wasted) 35 minutes of my previously meaningful life on KXAS-Channel 5's 10 p.m. newscast last night. In short, it was the worst, funniest, most frustrating and most fascinating news in the history of news.

At 9:59 p.m. anchors Jane McGarry and Mike Snyder came on with a couple of teases promising, "NBC5 news is next!" Then, at 9:59:30, they reappeared, with two different headline teases and another promise that "NBC5 news starts in 30 seconds!" Is this the news or a space shuttle launch? Finally Jane and Mike conclude their flirty foreplay (with us, not each other) and get to down to business. They sit about one centimeter apart, but somehow manage to have absolutely no interaction with each other. They read their TelePrompters with less emotion and inflection than the Terminator. If Baskin-Robbins named a flavor after them, it would be Diet Double Dull. And there are no dramatic pauses for reaction, much less reflection, between stories. It's like one giant run-on sentence.

Even worse was the substance. NBC5 ran a story on a nail-salon employee who was "stabbed repeatedly with a knife," but failed to give us an update on her health. Or her death? Next was a story on a cool new Web site that can save you big bucks at local restaurants--except they never mentioned the site's address. Is this some kind of prank? Maybe it's some new shtick? It's like I was watching a cheesy, crappy infomercial, with NBC5 leaving out the juicy details just to get me to log onto its Web site for the rest of the story. Next to the weather and...um, where's Harold Taft when you need him? Oh, yeah: rolling over in his grave.

Ah, finally sports with the loveable Newy Scruggs. Someone I can trust. Someone I genuinely like. But--WTF?--after two sports quickies, New-dawg throws it to commercials with a promise to "be right back." Halftime? During a three-minute sportscast? Maybe this happens every night? I dunno, I rarely watch NBC5. And now I know why. --Richie Whitt