The Master Cleanser: Day 10

Master Cleanser - Le Book.jpgStatus: Green

Weight: 156.9 (-14.2)

Mood: Hungry Hunched Over Happy!

Tonight, we dine!

Well, sorta. I'll probably have some soup. Maybe an ease-out-of-it cracker or two. Nothing too crazy. After all, it's been 10 days since my last food: A jalapeno cheeseburger on white bread and a handful of red grapes at 6 p.m. on Jan. 4.

As I unfurl the "Mission: Accomplished" banner, there's certainly a sense of satisfaction. Of achievement. I didn't really physically need to lose 14 pounds, it was more the mental challenge of will-powering myself to not eat for 10 days.

I'm surprised my energy level remained more than adequate. Surprised my "status" never wavered from green. (I had the "flashing yellow" and "emergency red" on stand-by.) Surprised at how well I slept, and how mellow my mood became.

I was also shocked at what came out of my body.

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The Master Cleanser: Day 9

Master Cleanser - Le Book.jpgStatus: Green

Weight: 157.6 (-13.5)

Mood: Bitter Better

It's not that I'm craving or lusting food. I'm really not.

It's just that, well, God I'm sick of lemons. Buying them and cutting them and squeezing them and smelling them and having their juice sting my cuticles and, yes, drinking them.

I'm even developing a hatred for Jack Lemmon, Chet Lemmon, Abe Lemmons and The Lemon Sisters.

Mentally, I long ago got over the hump of no food. In fact, far more than I look forward to eating, I'm excited about not drinking lemonade.

I think the kicker to the pucker came yesterday.

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diet, lemonade

The Master Cleanser: Day 8

Master Cleanser - Le Book.jpgStatus: Green

Weight: 157.6 (-13.5)

Mood: Restless Remorseful Resolved

First, the desire hatched an idea.

Then the idea became a challenge.

The challenge bred committment.

The committment begat stubborness.

Now, stubborness has morphed into habit.

The Master Cleanser has become second nature, a way of life. My weight seems to have plateaued. Mentally I'm at a very serene, peaceful place. Lemons and I are buddies. I've crafted a livable arrangement with salt water. Eating rarely crosses my mind.

Now, notice I said "rarely".

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The Master Cleanser: Day 7

Master Cleanser - Le Book.jpgStatus: Green

Weight: 158.0 (-13.1)

Mood: Pissed Pensive Peaceful

Wanna hear something gross? Well, that is half the reason you're here, right?

Okay, The Master Cleanser's diabolical discharge doesn't only come from the bottom floor.

For the first week I've been blow-blow-blow-blowing my nose. So much so that I finally decided to forgo using a million Kleenexes and just carry around one of our big, generic white towels (stolen, er, "borrowed" from Lifetime Fitness) usually reserved for car washing, dog accidents, etc.

So yesterday the towel makes it through the washer, dryer and, lo and behold, whatever came out of my nose stained it. Permanently. You'd think I sniffed mustard-colored paint all my life and was just now getting around to clearing my pipes.

In other news, the weekends ain't easy.

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diet, tequila

The Master Cleanser: Day 6

Master Cleanser - Le Book.jpgStatus: Green

Weight: 158.8 (-12.3)

Mood: Bitchy Belligerent Beloved

When you're on The Master Cleanser, it's the little things. No, really, the little things.

This morning I was sipping my breakfast, chuckling at today's supposed "breaking news" that I gave you two weeks ago about Michael Crabtree, considering what it must be like to be Tim Tebow, and savoring the first "xoxo" in the history of this here Sportatorium:

brianne says:

congrats- i have done this 2 times before for 11 and 10 days resepectively- and right now I am on day 4 for #3.
I have to say by the end- you experience such a calm and peaceful fullness of being... I really like the cleanse- this time around has been the easiest for me~

good luck!

Posted On: Saturday, Jan. 10, 2009 @ 10:06AM

When suddenly I came across heaven - a sheer delicacy. Pulp!

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The Master Cleanser: Day 5

Master Cleanser - Le Book.jpg Status: Green

Weight: 161.5 (-9.6)

Mood: Crazy Caustic Content

One of the benefits of losing weight is gaining time.

When you stop eating - 5 days and counting - you realize exactly how much time we devote each day to food. The planning. The shopping. The commuting. The waiting. The cooking. The eating. The drinking. The digesting. The more eating. The cleaning.

On The Master Cleanser I've not only lost nine pounds, but I'm estimating I've gained two hours per day in free time. Surely you've noticed the glutton of blog items this week?

Of course, I'm also saving money.

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The Master Cleanser: Day 4

Master Cleanser - Le Book.jpgStatus: Green

Weight: 162.0 (-9.1)

Mood: Edgy Enraged Ecstatic

Not a big fan of singing. Truth be told, I'm not head-over-heels in love with showers, either.

But I'll be damned if I didn't find myself singing in the shower this morning. Granted it was an apropos Nine Inch Nails diddy - don't start calling me Mr. Sunshine just yet - but for me it was a relatively happy, frolicking episode nonetheless.

See, usually this time of year I'm knee-deep in holiday postpartum depression. You know the Verizon commercial where the pudgy, bald dude in the frumpy sweater is all slump-shouldered at having to unplug his Christmas lights? That's me. decEMBER UP. JAnuary down.

But not this year.

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The Master Cleanser: Day 3

Master Cleanser - Le Book.jpgStatus: Green

Weight: 165.8 (-5.3)

Mood: Sad Stagnant Skeptical Surprised

It's weird about cravings. I'm quickly learning on this diet that it's not your body that craves food, it's your mind.

With the nutrients from the lemons and syrup, my body - somehow - is fine. Energetic even. I'm sleeping great. I'm working out. Coaching my kid's basketball practice. I even got over my pre-diet cold, just like that.

My mind, however, he's hungry.

I remember covering the Dallas Cowboys in the early '90s and at training camp in Austin before afternoon practices in the 103-degree heat coach Jimmy Johnson would walk around licking his lips, clapping his hands and bellowing to his players, "Make your mind control your body; not your body control your mind."

I think I get that now.

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The Master Cleanser: Day 2

Master Cleanser - Le Book.jpgStatus: Yellow

Weight: 167.8 ( -3.3)

Mood: Hungry Horny Horrified

Few times in a man's life he finds himself running around the house, repeatedly gagging and pleading to anyone on his block, "Forget it, I want a dirty colon! I want a dirty colon!!"

Try drinking a quart of warm sea-salt water and you'll know exactly what I mean. One day into this ridiculous stunt The Master Cleanser and I'm shocked.

I'm surprised that I've dropped three pounds in 24 hours. Surprised that I'm really not that hungry. Surprised that I have enough energy to go work out. And stunned that not eating is the easiest part.

The hardest? Washing my colon.

Drinking the 60 oz. of "lemonade" is easy, even enjoyable. It's ingesting the Smooth Move laxative at night and the quart of sea-salt water first thing every morning that makes this process unbearable, perhaps unattainable.

Seriously, gimme scurvy, rickets, anything but sea-salt water. It's designed to flush and cleanse my colon, but at this point I'd rather go all Ben Stiller in Tropic Thunder and just yank my intestines through a bullet wound for a nice hand wrinse.

The laxative tastes like ... oops, hold that thought ...

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The Master Cleanser: Day 1

Master Cleanser - Le Book.jpgStatus: Green

Weight: 171.1

Mood: Optimistic Committed Apprehensive

So, this is it? 2009 rings in and we're left to deal with no Cowboys, medicore Mavericks and a hockey team void of Brenden Morrow, Sean Avery and post-season potential?


I know, let's spice things up a bit. With a pinch of Cayenne pepper. And some lemons. And maple syrup. And, oh yeah, no food for 10 days.

What's that you say?

It's the Master Cleanse, of course.

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