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9. After ingesting -- yes, in this order -- a Fletcher's jalapeno corny dog, beer, root beer, chocolate-covered strawberries, Sierra Mist, curly fries, beer, Belgian Waffle, Red Bull, fried bacon, beer and ice cream, I'm one of them. (And to think, the line for fried Frito pie was too long.)

8. "Excuse me" is a lost art. Can't tell you how many times I was bumped into along the Midway without nary an apologetic word. My sunglasses also got violently bumped (and broken), but I can blame that on the Windstorm roller coaster.

7. Speaking of congestion and crowd control, I know kids are fun and all. But the fair would be a better place without having to navigate around the hundreds of strollers.

6. The pig races are funny. One of the contestants who really seemed to ham it up was named Amy Swinehouse. I did not make that up.

Oprah's the one in the hat. The Cowboy hat.

Cowboys will trounce the sorry ass Chiefs, so I'll sneak off with friends to the Fair on Sunday afternoon and let TiVo leisurely give me the highlights when I get home. During a Cowboys game Fair Park shouldn't be too crowded. And the weather will be perfect: Gray, 60s, dry.

This was the reality:

Holy hell.

First of all, the Cowboys barely escaped the Chiefs, forcing every man at the Fair to offer a constant stream of "excuse me"'s as we all checked our phone for the impossibly nervous live updates instead of looking where we were going. The distractions prompted a endless mass of human bumper-car confrontations along the Midway. Sounded something like this: "No!" "Another penalty!" "Ouch." "Sorry."

Secondly, everyone was there. I mean, ev-uh-ree-one.

A guy who really looked liked Channel 8 weatherman Greg Fields. A guy showing off a classic car who looked nothing like former Texas Ranger Jeff Kunkel but wore his name tag just the same. Lots and lots of people who made me feel real skinny. And the Big O.

Not Oscar Robertson, but a woman in a Cowboy hat that resembled Her Highness ...