​PETA vs. the Pope.

Any time a hot, naked chick riles up the religious I'm intrigued. Especially if it's Joanna Krupa.

Who?

In theory, there's supposed to be some sports angle to this. Even, dare I say, a Dallas perspective.

Okay, here goes: There are hot chicks and Catholic churches and even once a year a PETA demonstration in our fair burg. So there. Or, truth be told, I'm shallow, materliastic and girl crazy.

Now, what the hell was my original point? ...

Watching a win? Or ogling some skin?

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Specifically, the Dallas Desire of the Lingerie Football League. Generally, why do we watch?

Is it because Maria Sharapova is really good at tennis? Danica Parick a superb driver? Michelle Wie an excellent putter? Or is it because - duh - they're women.

President Barack Obama played golf with a woman this week, so maybe this whole Title IX jazz isn't a fad after all. My question remains ...

Touchdown celebration or unnecessary roughness? Who gives a damn, really.

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Been meaning to catch a Dallas Desire game this season, but lo and behold they only play two home games. The last one is Friday at 9 p.m. against the Los Angeles Temptation at Grand Prairie's QuickTrip Park.

I don't have to tell you that when Temptation meets Desire, you can throw out the records. And throw off the clothes.

The Desire would get their asses kicked by the Dallas Diamonds - mud wrestling, anyone? - but they are one of the best teams in the Lingerie Football League.

I could break down the Xs and Os and tell you that the Desire is 2-0 and has outscored its opponents 60-12. But who I am kidding? All you really want is photos and slideshows of some supple, yet strong sporty skin to get you through another rainy day.

C'mon then. Let's do this ...

Shake Weight.

"All you do is shake it ... back and forth."

Words can't do this justice. But a couple come to mind after watching this video over and over and over ...  

Dinner, anyone?

Since I'm technically on vacation, allow me to make this short and sweet, and visual.

First, I spent my afternoon watching college football and, you guessed it, eating some cooked pig. Yes, that's a Coors Light can in its mouth and, yes, the guy who prepared the pig (the secret, believe it or not, is coconut milk) is the same buddy who serves up yummy Chinese at Chan's locations across the Metroplex. 

Poor oinker. I heard he died of ...

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Actually, no, it's not a scene-setter for the most bizarre porn on the planet, it's Football 101 for Ladies. And it's not a bad idea. Not bad at all.

The premise is that Joe Avezzano and his three Super Bowl rings know what they are talking about it. The extension is that women want to know football, but are generally too intimidated to ask their men.

Enter "Ladies Locker Room", a weekly seminar on the basics on the game.

​There are sports. There are athletes. And then, above below all else, there is Beer Pong.

I'll be on the golf course Saturday morning. But quick as I can get there I'll then be at fabled Lee Harvey's for their first annual Beer Pong Tournament.

Singles. Doubles. And, yes, a Bikini division, the entrants of which are afforded free play and - voila - free beer.

Patrick Michels

If you're a loyal Sportatorium reader, chances are you aren't hot enough to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. (But who knows, send me a photo and I'll be the judge.) But I bet some of you aren't even smart enough.

Surprise, it's not as easy as it looks. (Check out more photos from the tryouts in our slideshow here.)

Remember how hard-ass Cheerleaders' director Kelli Finglass and drill-sergeant choreographer Judy Trammell stole the show during Hard Knocks circa 2002? Well, turns out they also make candidates submit to a written test.

Let's call it the Wonder Lick Test.

Even if you don't like tennis, I'm suggesting you'll enjoy The French Open.

Hot and dirty young women sweating and grunting and playing with fuzzy balls. What's not to like lust?

Even though Anna Kournikova has bagged her beautiful raquets, there's plenty to look at in the women's game on the clay at Roland Garros. Come for the vixens. Stay for the volleys.

8. Serena Williams

Why does a game played below the rim fly so far above the radar?

I play sports because I love them. But I watch sports because I love to see done what I can't do.

I watch Tiger Woods because I can't hit a 7-iron 210 yards. I watch Andy Roddick because I can't hit a serve 149 mph. I watch Kobe Bryant because I can't dunk. I read ESPN The Magazine's Rick Reilly because he can write circles around me. I watch the Dallas Desire because, well, I can't tackle hot chicks without being arrested.

And that's precisely why I'm nauseated by ESPN continually force-feeding us women's college basketball. Because, honestly, the players don't do anything you and me haven't done on a basketball court. Right?

But with the tournament selection show, the nightly studio analysis show and the ho-hum highlights of two-handed chest passes and set shots delivered slower than refrigerated honey, we're trying to be tricked into thinking we're watching something unique.

Don't call me sexist. Call me sports sexist. Fine. Long as you admit that women's hoops is a vastly inferior product to the men's tournament.