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Then I've got your solution. TopGolf, which now has two locations, one in Dallas and the newest one in Allen.

I beat the heat Saturday afternoon at TopGolf in Allen, just down the street from In-N-Out burger. It's a three-tiered, covered driving range, only with instant, precise feedback on your shot. Computer chips in your range balls update scoring on your personal TV screens, allowing you to compete against other players in your group. Bulls-eye shots are rewarded with more points, etc, like the old arcade game Skee ball. (Hint: Off the back fence straightaway is worth 20 points.)

TopGolf has a couple of full bars. Extensive food menu. Complimentary clubs. Club repair. Lessons. Party rooms. It's a golf experience, without all the hassles of golf.

And, it has magic ...

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I was rooting for America after lunch, too. Abby Wambach scored late and it looked like the U.S. would seal the Women's World Cup after a dramatic two weeks in Germany.

Alas, woe-for-2.

Mickelson three-putted on No. 11, Johnson hit a shot out-of-bounds on 14 and the Americans faded at Royal St. George's in Sandwich, England. Couples hours later in Frankfurt, the U.S. gave up goals in the 81st minute of regulation and 117th minute in the second overtime, then botched a couple of penalty kicks in a stunning come-from-ahead loss in the championship game.

Bummer.

But considering the beneficiaries of the meltdowns, it wasn't that bad after all. Because in Darren Clarke and Japan, we got two winners anyone can embrace with a little joy.

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Boy was I wrong. The Dallas-based golf guru rips Woods in a Golf Digest article, saying of his relationship with Tiger:

"It didn't get dysfunctional; it always was dysfunctional."

Wow.

I had a couple people recently make fun of the fact that I wear a Livestrong bracelet.

"Those are out of style," the jab went.

To some it's a fad I guess. But to me it's a reminder of a couple people who are - fashion trends be damned - still battling cancer. Unfortunately, I've got another reason to keep going strong with Livestrong.

I've only hung around David Milson a couple times, but I was always impressed at how optimistic, how chipper and how lively he was.

Now it's time to return the favor. Because while battling lung cancer, the former Cedar Hill High School basketball coach needs a lift.

His spirits should be at least temporarily boosted Monday when family, friends and colleagues hold the David Milson Charity Golf Tournament at Tangle Ridge Golf Club in Grand Prairie. Trust me, you won't spend a better $75 all year.

The fake Tiger Woods, the real Joslyn James and an authentic dork.

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Weird, because not a single day passes that he isn't confused for Tiger Woods.

I spent my blogless vacation doing some productive things: Jumping on the P90X workout program, de-jungling the back yard and memorializing Memorial Day like you do, devouring beers and brats. But last Friday I also chased porn star Joslyn James around town and bumped into this interesting Taborn fella.

James, the infamous Woods mistress who released the steamy sexts about choking and golden showers and whatnot, was in town promoting an upcoming porn titled The 11th Hole and hosting a charity golf tournament at Dallas' Cedar Crest Golf Course. I'll have the details of my stalking of Joslyn in this week's Observer column, but it's Taborn who merits some investigative curiosity.

The guy sooo looks and acts like Tiger that he almost - almost - fooled even James, who had a 3-year relationship with Woods.

"I was just sitting in the limo staring at him," James said. "He felt so real he had me trippin'."

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Phil Mickelson won't be at today's opening round of the HD Byron Nelson Classic out in Las Colinas. Neither will Tiger Woods or past champs like Sergio Garcia or Adam Scott or, really, anybody you've ever heard of outside Vijay Singh and maybe defending champ Rory Sabbatini.

No worries.

There's always The Pavilion, which has matriculated from a simple white refreshment tent into a sprawling eat-it-up, drink-it-down hook-up joint that annually turns the adjacent golf course into a sideshow.

And, this year, The Nelson has Jordan Spieth. Who he?

In 2007 Leonard Davis pulled a horse out of the mud.

In 2010 he answered my musical inquiries without crushing me like an empty beer can.

And Wednesday, he helped some ducks out of a sand trap.

Yeah, I know. All you care about it is ...

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What's new, right?

That could change, if the dudes in red pants would think outside their yellow-roped box and give an exemption to a certain player. A football player. Who happens to be damn good at golf ...

And now - according to the National Enquirer - Tiger Woods is said to have confessed to sleeping with 120 women during his five-year marriage to wife Elin.

Once upon a time I sat down to remember all my partners but, honestly, I couldn't recall most, got frustrated, jotted the first and last and gave up on the exercise.

My best estimate ...

Karma 1, Tiger Woods 0.

See, that's what I'm talking about. Why give Tiger an exaggerated ovation when you can cheer for someone who overcomes adversity that isn't self-inflicted? Someone who doesn't made repetitive, horrible, corrupt choices. Someone whose wife and mother are dealing with breast cancer. Someone like Phil Mickelson.

When Mickelson won The Masters Sunday afternoon, he walked off the 18th green, hugged wife Amy and officially became the anti-Tiger. And my favorite golfer. The image of Tiger finishing fourth was as fresh as the details of him hugging not his wife, but his 17 mistresses.

While Mickelson was showing husbands - and golfers, didja see his shot on 13? - across America how it's done, Tiger was breaking par but also his promises. He and Dallas-based coach Hank Haney vowed that he was going to be more reserved, more respectful of golf.

Remember?