Charlie Sheen at AAC: My Top 10 Observer-ations
|Not exactly a sellout at Sheen's supposed 8 p.m. kickoff|
not real good sucky at math, but I'm estimating there were 1,500 people at American Airlines Center last night for Charlie Sheen's "Violent Torpedo of Truth" Tour. The AAC holds 20,000, and no way it was 10 percent full. Sad.
9. Sheen entered late -- at exactly 8:33 -- and through the crowd, high-fiving fans and wearing a basic blue Mavericks warm-up jacket. Surprisingly, Mark Cuban was never mentioned, much less present.
8. I've known and respected 106.1 KISS FM's Kidd Kraddick for years, but his part in the process was shockingly gawdawful. During a sit-down Q&A on the stage, Kraddick simply read random questions from fans off his Facebook and Twitter. Too bad, because Kidd can be an engaging interviewer. But the segment gave us zero insight into Sheen or what the hell he was trying to do via the tour. And on a question about his 9/11 conspiracy thoughts, Kraddick allowed Sheen to basically "no comment." That wasn't violent or truth or anything remotely torpedo-esque. It was just plain weak.
7. After reading a Houston Chronicle review from his previous tour stop, Sheen explained his thick skin thusly: "If you don't have fucking feelings you never get your feelings hurt."
5. Dumbest moment of the night: Sheen, wearing a CBS -- "Can't Beat Sheen" -- T-shirt, bragged that "I got fired because I told my boss to fuck off." Inexplicably, the crowd cheered. Some stood and cheered. Yeah, 'cuz nobody's gonna pay me $2 million an episode for a TV show and expect me to act civilized! Down with the man!
4. During one segment audience members were allowed on stage to ask Sheen for advice. Failure. Every woman was serenaded by "show your tits!" and the only intriguing question was from a dude who posed "How could I get (Poison guitarist) C.C. DeVille to be my roommate?" Bizarre. Even stranger, Sheen provided no answer to the quandary.
3. I didn't watch HBO's Oz enough to know who Chuck Zito is supposed to be, but I know this: The guy can barely read. When he roasted Sheen via stumbling script it was embarrassing. Not for Sheen. But for literacy. Zito's best line? "Charlie, your liver is probably smaller and blacker than Barry Bonds' nut sack."
2. Funniest moment of the night was a video spoof of Sheen's 20/20 interview on ABC. In the edited version, interviewer Andrea Canning repeatedly asks Sheen a version of "When was the last time you used drugs?" to which Sheen is shown with multiplying cigarettes in his mouth, nose and ears. Finally, Canning's repititive inquiry is answered simply by a giant cigarette smoldering alone in the opposite chair. Giggle.
1. In the final autopsy of Sheen's performance, I pronounce it not particularly funny or entertaining or even crazy. Almost sad. Almost. I talked to some people who hung out with Charlie before and after his show and he's not happy in general or satisfied in specific with the tour. One of my buddies who went backstage for a meet-n-greet said Sheen showered him with "I'm sorry" apologies for the lame event. And what struck me was an unintentionally poignant moment near the end of the show. Camouflaged by his "Warlock" and "Adonis DNA" and "Tiger's Blood" and all the "Winning," Sheen admitted he's currently a -- gasp -- loser. Talking about his past glory, fame and fortune, Sheen sneaked in "But I'm going to get it all back." That's not winning. That's the hope of someday not losing.