I watch Tiger Woods because I can't hit a 7-iron 210 yards. I watch Andy Roddick because I can't hit a serve 149 mph. I watch Kobe Bryant because I can't dunk. I read ESPN The Magazine's Rick Reilly because he can write circles around me. I watch the Dallas Desire because, well, I can't tackle hot chicks without being arrested.
And that's precisely why I'm nauseated by ESPN continually force-feeding us women's college basketball. Because, honestly, the players don't do anything you and me haven't done on a basketball court. Right?
But with the tournament selection show, the nightly studio analysis show and the ho-hum highlights of two-handed chest passes and set shots delivered slower than refrigerated honey, we're trying to be tricked into thinking we're watching something unique.
Don't call me sexist. Call me sports sexist. Fine. Long as you admit that women's hoops is a vastly inferior product to the men's tournament.
I know that The Ticket clowns were embarrassed by high school girls last week, but in college my girlfriend was the starting point guard at Rice. I merely played on an intramural team at UTA, but when I really tried she couldn't even get a shot off against me. The women's tournament - despite ESPN's fabricated trumpeting - will have a champion but not a single yank-me-off-the-couch to scream "Wow!" moment.
It's basketball, but with broad strokes.
I'll watch somebody paint a detailed portrait, but I have no interest in watching somebody paint a house. Get it?
Turned on SportsCenter this morning and there were the lead highlights of a women's Elite 8 game between Lousiville and Maryland. The game's show-stopping play was a "lob" pass in which a Cardinals player grabbed the ball in mid-air and ... made a layup off the backboard.
Then there's Lousiville's Angel McCoughtry, who is obviously buying into ESPN's hyper-hype of her sport.
"We didn't get no respect from the start!" she screamed after her team's victory clinched a spot in the Final Four. "But we proved everybody wrong. We did it!"
Louisville's shock-the-world upset came as a No. 3 seed.
Cue my March Madness.