The Top 10 Things I'd Change in Sports

By Richie Whitt Tue., Mar. 3 2009 at 2:00 PM

Categories: Sports Smorgasboard

Before I run out the door to Arlington this afternoon for a sneak peek at the facelift applied to Rangers Ballpark, thought I'd make a quick to-do list:

*Since the Mavs suck and the Stars suck and the Cowboys suck and the Rangers will in all likelihood suck, look into other sports. Like, for example, curling?

*Take frustrations out on a baseball or softball at Plano's state-of-the-art Extra Innings.

*Play ~~God~~ Commissioner for a day.

If I could I'd change a lot about sports. Off the top of my head - what do you know? - I came up with a Top 10 ...

10. No more coin flips: We're too advanced of a planet to rely on heads or tails for anything. The team with the better record - or the home team in case of ties - gets the choice to kick or receive.

9. Abbreviated hockey: NHL games now consist of one, 20-minute period. One of the reasons the sport fails is because it requires too much ice team for teams' third- and even fourth-stringers.

8. No more "participation plaques": At any level. This nation's athletic supremacy started heading south the minute we began rewarding involvement over achievement.

7. Timeouts for one team: Only the team calling the timeout can talk to its coaches and/or receive water, etc. from trainers. Why should it also benefit the opponent?

6. No more salary caps: Teams can spend as little or as much as they desire. Kinda like the real world, without bailouts.

5. Snappy pitching changes: Baseball managers/coaches are prohibited from ever entering the field of play during a game. Pitching changes - or arguments - can be made from the top step of the dugout.

4. P for K: Football kickers are immediately vaporized, their roles (kickoffs, punts, field goals) taken on by quarterbacks. The highest-paid, highest-profile players will now decide games with their arms.

3. Free-throw etiquette: Once players take their spot on the lane before a free throw(s), that's it. No changing sides. No substitutions. And absolutely no congratulatory hand slaps after missed shots.

2. NASCAR = canceled: I hereby decree that we stop pretending that driving a car is athletic.

1. No more human officials: The technology that works in tennis should be upgraded, broadened and implemented into all sports. Human error should be limited to players. That means no more NFL chain gangs or look-at-me umpires who make more emphatic "out" calls in the 9th inning than in the 1st.

Assuming your list may look a tad different?