Oscar Overhaul: Ahem, Where Was Sports?

Oscars - Penelope Cruz.jpg
I generally agree with Jerry Seinfeld. On everything. Including the Oscars.

During a show at, of all places, UTA's Texas Hall in '02 the comedian quipped, "Worst thing about The Oscars is that they never tell you the final scores. We're Americans. We not only want to know who won, but by how much. Was it a blowout? Overtime? Tell us! All we really get is a bunch of people all dressed alike patting each other on the back going, 'Good job of pretending to be someone else'."

That said, I went to my first Oscars Party last night. And loved it.

Everything except the show, that is.

Our gracious party hosts were decked out in tuxedos. Even had gold stars on the sidewalk and a red-carpet entrance to their house in Richardson. Lots of alcohol. Lots of food (from fancy shrimp on a skewer to Hooter's to a plate of Slim Jims). Lots of attractive women. And gambling! The scene was crazier than Martin Scorsese's eyebrows.

What more could I ask for? Sports, that's what.

See, to me Academy Awards LXXXI was about as exciting as Best-of-7 Charades between Wade Phillips and Helen Keller. Aside from Hugh Jackman's surprisingly entertaining open and all the cleavage deliciously breaching its levees, the whole production 'twas b-o-r-i-n-g.

Gimme Oscar Madison as host, or even Oscars De La Hoya, Robertson and Gamble.

The show hailing screenplays needs, um, screen plays. Less black tie, more eye black. Pass the quiche, without a shot of sports The Oscars are one dainty step from deteriorating into The Tonys.

Where were the awards for 2008 releases like Leatherheads, Semi-Pro and Ping-Pong Playa? And though I didn't see them, surely there were classic scenes from The First Basket, Run, Fat Boy, Run and, yep, even The Hammer.

What The Oscars needed was more sports sub-plots. Wouldn't it have been more entertaining if gold statues had gone to ... 

Slumdog Millionaire - Mavs owner Mark Cuban grudgingly details his numerous financial mistakes in this chilling documentary sequel to Fatcat Billionaire.

Milk - After months of ugly revelations and countless "I'm sorry" press conferences, Alex Rodriguez gives a gripping performance by finally revealing the ony substance he hasn't injected into his body.

Wall-E - The Rangers' Ron Washington stars in this animated comedy short about an apologist manager who blames Boston's Green Monster for countless unearned runs instead of his team's error-prone gloves.

The WrestlerDark thriller climaxing in Fritz Von Erich's brutal "Iron Claw" revenge on a hapless Dallas Observer sports columnist who steals the name of Fritz' favorite old arena but stubbornly refuses to pen a weekly WWE segment.

The Reader - Just seconds before its suscriptions dwindle to zero, Dallas' Only Daily publishes a cover story about its last loyal customer.

The Dark Knight - With lipstick smeared across his visor and "Sloppy Seconds" scrawled on his sharpened hockey stick, a vengeful Sean Avery returns to Dallas and commands the screen in this suspenseful drama.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Building a colossal coliseum, agreeing to showcase his losing team on HBO's Hard Knocks and hiring offensive coordinators before head coaches, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones ages forward while running his business backward.

Smile Pinki - Tear-jerker documentary focusing on the decline of Cowboys' quarterback Tony Romo, who implodes under the pressures of being both a locker-room leader and boyfriend to a BBW and begins a kinky relationship with his bandaged little finger.

Man On Wire - In the aftermath of giving up both crack and tobacco, Rangers' slugger Josh Hamilton stars in this Sci-Fi thriller about an advanced species that develops an insatiable addiction to copper cabling.


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