Welcome to Night Vale Will Attempt to Make Dallas Weird Again at The Majestic in April

Categories: WTF?

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Courtesy of Commonplace Books
When the creepy podcast Welcome to Night Vale came to town last year, the show's creator dropped one hell of a bombshell on me in our interview. Jeffrey Cranor and Joseph Fink talked about their inspiration for the show and I was surprised to learn that Cranor, a Mesquite native, based the format of his surreal community news show on KEOM 88.5 FM's straightforward information-delivery system.

For a split second, a twinge of hope crept across my brain at the thought that the elusive, mysterious dimension known as Night Vale may actually exist just a few miles away from where the fates have placed me on this part of the globe. So I just came right out and asked him without stopping to ponder how dumb and wide-eyed I might have sounded, "So I have to ask, is Mesquite Night Vale?"

Cranor responded, "No, not at all. Mesquite is definitely not."

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DreamVision Releases a Bizarre Video about Their Pseudo-Theme Park for Fort Worth

Categories: WTF?

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This is a proposed image for a roller coaster at DreamVision Mountain theme park in Fort Worth with a (wait for it) stock market theme. What's it called? "NASDAQ: The Ride"?

Every now and again, rumors surface that a big time theme park developer wants to set up their rolly-coasters and flying thingamabobs somewhere in our neck of the woods. Not long after I first moved here and started working in the news business, someone gave me a tip that Disney wanted to bring a theme park to somewhere just outside of Collin County. My research found nothing. My time would have been better spent chasing a tip that Elvis was spotted at the Pecan Lodge.

The rumor still won't die -- not the Elvis one, the other one about theme parks. Either we really want a Disney theme park in our backyard or Disney has some brilliant marketing scheme in which they hire locals to start spreading the rumor at various points of the year. The rumor was so strong that a local conman was able to leverage it as part of a scheme to dupe investors.

We're so desperate for another theme park that we'll take anything that comes down the pike. Enter DreamVision, which is not Disney, though a former Disney exec is involved in the company. They announced plans to build a massive theme park in Fort Worth in early February. A heavy dose of skepticism followed the announcementincluding a range of questions about why they had yet to purchase any land for the park, their history of lawsuits and the fact that they've never actually built a theme park. If all that wasn't bizarre enough, they also released a video that will have you scratching your head so hard that you'll eventually strike brain.

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Dear Texas and Florida, Just Make Out Already. Do It for Valentine's Day.

Categories: WTF?

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Modified image from Dave/Flickr
C'mon Florida. Let's do this. But no tongues.
I'm in a 20-year-long joint custody situation with Florida and Texas. So when Florida Congressman Alcee Hastings called Texas a "crazy state" that he would never visit, I knew he was just protecting his heart. Florida doth protest too much.

These two wacky panhandles were made for each other -- they're the swamp-pit-stained Ross and Rachel of the continental U.S. They're a double-Gemini power couple. OK Cupid would insist they date because they're simply too damaged to see any other U.S. property.

Call it Stockholm syndrome, fine. But I love those two crazy, mixed-up states. If they'd just realize how much they have in common, I think romance will handle the rest.

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SPOILER ALERT: 50 Shades of Grey Movie as Predicted by a Mother of Two

Categories: WTF?

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50 Shades of Grey Movie Still
We don't have time to read boob books. Boob movies, on the other hand...

I haven't read 50 Shades of Grey. I was waiting for someone to make it into a movie, because as a mother of two, I rarely have time to read books, and I must use what little time I have to read books with titles like, How to Not Stab Yourself In The Eye With A FunDip Stick When Your Kid Refuses To Write 'Happy Valentine's Day' On The 27th Damn Valentine and Remember When You Didn't Know That The 100th Day At School Was A Holiday?

I would then wait for that movie to become available on Netflix, as my own home can be easily transformed into a Cinemark 17 after 8 p.m. All you need is some popcorn, a bottle of wine that you drink sneakily out of an MS150 water bottle and a number of years on this planet that lets you think, "Yep, this is exactly the same as going to the movie theater. Actually, it's even better, because no public restroom and lazy. And cheap."

Long story long, I don't have time to read boobs books. Even boobs books targeted directly at the demographic that is me.

All I know is that the main character guy in the book (we'll call him Sebarstchian) is supposed to be super bangable. And that moms REALLY like this book, and are even more visible-boner-happy about the movie.

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Cards Against Humanity Sold Clumps of Bullshit to 30,000 People, Meet Two of Them

Categories: WTF?

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Courtesy of Wayne Ross
Admit it, you've bought stuff through the mail that's way more useless than a lump of dried shit in a box.

The Black Friday shopping holiday has become an economic beast that never gets hungry. Ever year, crowds of consumers flood the malls and big box retailers and start fights over a discounted toaster because the holidays are about giving and being kind to your fellow man.

The folks at Cards Against Humanity grew tired of this holiday tradition for a happy capitalist Christmas and decided to offer a Black Friday deal of their own. For the low, low price of $6, they would send anyone a slick, black box that contained a single lump of bullshit.

If this sounded like a scam, it wasn't. The site clearly stated that anyone who signed up for the special deal would receive exactly what they described and shouldn't complain if they failed to avoid such obvious disappointment. Thirty thousand people opened their wallets for the deal and received just that in the mail a few days later. We found two people in Dallas, network engineer Wayne Ross and Parade of Flesh founder John Iskander, who signed up for the deal.


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Nitro Circus Will Laugh in Gravity's Fat Face at a Live Stunt Show In Dallas Next Year

Categories: WTF?

Every kid with a bike wants to jump it off of something the minute they realized it belonged to them. Some of them stop having that dream as soon as they take one jump too many and scrape a knee, sprain an elbow or their third or fourth skin graft. Those who don't give up their dream of defying the laws of gravity become stuntmen and women in the Nitro Circus.

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How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse: Practice, Practice, Pratice with Paintballs

Categories: WTF?

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Photo courtesy of Andrew Ross
Mixmaster contributor Danny Gallagher shows no fear at the Zombie Safari ... until the bus starts actually moving and the zombies show up.

Every fanboy who open carries a Star Trek phaser or a replica of Ashley Williams' stump mounted chainsaw honestly believes they could survive a zombie apocalypse. It's a flawed theory at best. Life isn't a movie. Even the most daring hero runs out of ammo or forgets to prime their power tools. People get tired, don't have perfect aim or accidentally shoot themselves in places that would make a zombie grab his crotch and wince.

And, oh yeah, there are no such things as zombies.

Nevertheless, it doesn't hurt to be prepared, and Cousins Paintball Park in Forney has come up with an interesting way to test your mettle in the last throws of humanity. They've constructed a "Zombie Safari" paintball course and they let us do a ride-along.


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Are You a Verbose Lothario? Do You Live in Dallas? Here's Your Dream Job.

Categories: WTF?

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Craigslist Screenshot

When OKCupid announced they'd been tricking users into believing they were compatible, thousands of angry couples reexamined their relationships from the dirty socks lining the bottom of the sheets to the "beard" on their boyfriend's chin that looks more like overgrown pubic hairs. Probably. Probably that's what happened. I'm just saying it might've. Get off my back, Mom!

Meanwhile, thousands of happy couples, smiled at each other and sighed serenely while sharing a bottle of wine with straws. No one believed in the numbers anyway because love is far too tricky for percentages in the first place. Of course, numbers can't account for deception. (What's that, honey? You only made out with 1 percent of the women you met in the last year? Phew, I feel so much better.) But if you want a little bit of intrigue in your life and you'd like to get paid to help someone else's relationship get off the ground the American way (lies -- lots of lies), well, there's a job posting on Craigslist with your name written all over it.


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Dolly Python's "Bitchy Stitches" Tell Your Grandmother What She Can Do With Her Crochet Needles

Categories: WTF?

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Photo courtesy Dolly Python/ Molly Wilt of Anal Probe Hearts

Your grandmother may have been a kind, sweet person with nothing but a need to see their grandchildren happy. But just because she got old and turned into the sweet, pious person you knew, doesn't mean she couldn't blow a fuse and let loose on some poor bastard who probably couldn't understand why Ma Kettle was verbally tearing their soul a new a-hole.

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Forget the News, Just Follow This Dog on Instagram

Categories: WTF?

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Instagram.com

Last week, I was walking through the Bishop Arts District with my younger sister, who recently graduated from college and is living with me for the summer. She let out a squeal when she saw a Vespa with a sidecar parked in front of Oddfellows just yards from a big, fluffy dog.


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