Dear Texas and Florida, Just Make Out Already. Do It for Valentine's Day.

Categories: WTF?

texasfloridavalentine.jpg
Modified image from Dave/Flickr
C'mon Florida. Let's do this. But no tongues.
I'm in a 20-year-long joint custody situation with Florida and Texas. So when Florida Congressman Alcee Hastings called Texas a "crazy state" that he would never visit, I knew he was just protecting his heart. Florida doth protest too much.

These two wacky panhandles were made for each other -- they're the swamp-pit-stained Ross and Rachel of the continental U.S. They're a double-Gemini power couple. OK Cupid would insist they date because they're simply too damaged to see any other U.S. property.

Call it Stockholm syndrome, fine. But I love those two crazy, mixed-up states. If they'd just realize how much they have in common, I think romance will handle the rest.

More »

SPOILER ALERT: 50 Shades of Grey Movie as Predicted by a Mother of Two

Categories: WTF?

50_shades_movie.jpg
50 Shades of Grey Movie Still
We don't have time to read boob books. Boob movies, on the other hand...

I haven't read 50 Shades of Grey. I was waiting for someone to make it into a movie, because as a mother of two, I rarely have time to read books, and I must use what little time I have to read books with titles like, How to Not Stab Yourself In The Eye With A FunDip Stick When Your Kid Refuses To Write 'Happy Valentine's Day' On The 27th Damn Valentine and Remember When You Didn't Know That The 100th Day At School Was A Holiday?

I would then wait for that movie to become available on Netflix, as my own home can be easily transformed into a Cinemark 17 after 8 p.m. All you need is some popcorn, a bottle of wine that you drink sneakily out of an MS150 water bottle and a number of years on this planet that lets you think, "Yep, this is exactly the same as going to the movie theater. Actually, it's even better, because no public restroom and lazy. And cheap."

Long story long, I don't have time to read boobs books. Even boobs books targeted directly at the demographic that is me.

All I know is that the main character guy in the book (we'll call him Sebarstchian) is supposed to be super bangable. And that moms REALLY like this book, and are even more visible-boner-happy about the movie.

More »

Cards Against Humanity Sold Clumps of Bullshit to 30,000 People, Meet Two of Them

Categories: WTF?

bullshit.jpg
Courtesy of Wayne Ross
Admit it, you've bought stuff through the mail that's way more useless than a lump of dried shit in a box.

The Black Friday shopping holiday has become an economic beast that never gets hungry. Ever year, crowds of consumers flood the malls and big box retailers and start fights over a discounted toaster because the holidays are about giving and being kind to your fellow man.

The folks at Cards Against Humanity grew tired of this holiday tradition for a happy capitalist Christmas and decided to offer a Black Friday deal of their own. For the low, low price of $6, they would send anyone a slick, black box that contained a single lump of bullshit.

If this sounded like a scam, it wasn't. The site clearly stated that anyone who signed up for the special deal would receive exactly what they described and shouldn't complain if they failed to avoid such obvious disappointment. Thirty thousand people opened their wallets for the deal and received just that in the mail a few days later. We found two people in Dallas, network engineer Wayne Ross and Parade of Flesh founder John Iskander, who signed up for the deal.


More »

Nitro Circus Will Laugh in Gravity's Fat Face at a Live Stunt Show In Dallas Next Year

Categories: WTF?

Every kid with a bike wants to jump it off of something the minute they realized it belonged to them. Some of them stop having that dream as soon as they take one jump too many and scrape a knee, sprain an elbow or their third or fourth skin graft. Those who don't give up their dream of defying the laws of gravity become stuntmen and women in the Nitro Circus.

More »

How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse: Practice, Practice, Pratice with Paintballs

Categories: WTF?

zombie_safari1.jpg
Photo courtesy of Andrew Ross
Mixmaster contributor Danny Gallagher shows no fear at the Zombie Safari ... until the bus starts actually moving and the zombies show up.

Every fanboy who open carries a Star Trek phaser or a replica of Ashley Williams' stump mounted chainsaw honestly believes they could survive a zombie apocalypse. It's a flawed theory at best. Life isn't a movie. Even the most daring hero runs out of ammo or forgets to prime their power tools. People get tired, don't have perfect aim or accidentally shoot themselves in places that would make a zombie grab his crotch and wince.

And, oh yeah, there are no such things as zombies.

Nevertheless, it doesn't hurt to be prepared, and Cousins Paintball Park in Forney has come up with an interesting way to test your mettle in the last throws of humanity. They've constructed a "Zombie Safari" paintball course and they let us do a ride-along.


More »

Are You a Verbose Lothario? Do You Live in Dallas? Here's Your Dream Job.

Categories: WTF?

OkCupid.png
Craigslist Screenshot

When OKCupid announced they'd been tricking users into believing they were compatible, thousands of angry couples reexamined their relationships from the dirty socks lining the bottom of the sheets to the "beard" on their boyfriend's chin that looks more like overgrown pubic hairs. Probably. Probably that's what happened. I'm just saying it might've. Get off my back, Mom!

Meanwhile, thousands of happy couples, smiled at each other and sighed serenely while sharing a bottle of wine with straws. No one believed in the numbers anyway because love is far too tricky for percentages in the first place. Of course, numbers can't account for deception. (What's that, honey? You only made out with 1 percent of the women you met in the last year? Phew, I feel so much better.) But if you want a little bit of intrigue in your life and you'd like to get paid to help someone else's relationship get off the ground the American way (lies -- lots of lies), well, there's a job posting on Craigslist with your name written all over it.


More »

Dolly Python's "Bitchy Stitches" Tell Your Grandmother What She Can Do With Her Crochet Needles

Categories: WTF?

bitchy-stitches-main.png
Photo courtesy Dolly Python/ Molly Wilt of Anal Probe Hearts

Your grandmother may have been a kind, sweet person with nothing but a need to see their grandchildren happy. But just because she got old and turned into the sweet, pious person you knew, doesn't mean she couldn't blow a fuse and let loose on some poor bastard who probably couldn't understand why Ma Kettle was verbally tearing their soul a new a-hole.

More »

Forget the News, Just Follow This Dog on Instagram

Categories: WTF?

ScreenshotNelson.png
Instagram.com

Last week, I was walking through the Bishop Arts District with my younger sister, who recently graduated from college and is living with me for the summer. She let out a squeal when she saw a Vespa with a sidecar parked in front of Oddfellows just yards from a big, fluffy dog.


More »

Are You a Cabana Boy? You're Needed and 7 Other Posts You'll Find Only on Craigslist.

Categories: WTF?

Thumbnail image for eyes.JPG
Imagine you're sitting in the Observer office on your lunch break scrolling through Craigslist when suddenly you're locking eyes with the screen shot of this guy, who coincidentally bears a vague a resemblance to Catfish guy.

He asks you the tough questions. Do you like office work? What about ice cream? How about peacefully partying? As a matter of fact, I'm peacefully partying at my desk right now, prettyeyes.

You begin to look a little deeper into his eyes and are suddenly struck by the idea that you can save the world. Or at least, pitch your editor the idea of turning your Craigslist finds into a blog post, which she accepts without batting an eye that you spend your workday on this website. OK, you can stop imagining now and read the real live blog post in front of you. You can't make this stuff up.

More »

Clear Channel Says There's Poop on the Dallas Skyline

Categories: WTF?

business.JPG
Alice Laussade
"Welp. It was fun while it lasted."

Clear Channel has had this outdoor board up for a while. (Walter Cronkite voice) "Business is done here. Clear Channel. Dallas Skyline with a filter from 1980." Maybe years. And every time I see it, I think, "Really, Clear Channel? This is what you went with?" This is what your team of creatives decided was The Big Idea. The One True Answer to the Outdoor Board Riddle. "Well, we're either going with the 'Clear Channel: We're the shit.' or this one about how business is done here. To me, the answer is obvious. Go with the one that sounds like Dallas is over."

More »
Loading...