Pottery Barn Kids Catalog Makes Me Want To Be a Kid, Then Punch That Kid in the Kid Junk

Categories: The Parent Crap

Alice Laussade
This is a real item in the Pottery Barn Kids catalog. I drew it myself because PBK would have probably been dicks about me using their photos this way.

Pottery Barn Kids sends me their catalog in the mail regularly. This time, instead of throwing it straight into the trash, I opened it. They claimed to be having a Fourth of July sale, and I thought, "Oh. Maybe this sale will make the things they sell reasonably priced." I was wrong. Their sale only made me hate the happy, be-sweater-vested children in their catalog with an even hotter red hot anger fire.

I give you: A list of actual items from the Pottery Barn Kids catalog. (I had to draw the items myself, because I didn't get permission from PBK to use their photography. To be super clear: these are actual items in the catalog at their actual prices. I did not make this shit up.)

Item 1: Child's Play Kitchen
This beauty (not pictured above) usually runs you a mere $769, but they're slashing prices and now it's ONLY $699!! It could be yours! Picture it: Your kid could make fake food in this beautiful ass kitchen at you while you try to make real food in your shitty ass kitchen. These days go by so fast. Cherish them with your whole life's savings. (Shipping is extra. Oh, and you're gonna need to build it yourself. You just paid $800 for a wood pile.)

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The Tacky Box Helps Kids Stop Saying "Boob"

Categories: The Parent Crap

Hallelujah! It's a box that helps your kid stop saying "box."

Your toddler just dropped a Cheerio on the floor and said, "Aww, motherfucking dickjob!" We've all been there. But what do you do about it? (After you take a video of it happening one more time, because these days your happiness is based on Facebook "likes" and this moment will be worth at least 300 points.)

Welp, Dallas mother, Chris Kent Phelps says that this moment calls for a Tacky Box. What exactly is a Tacky Box? I'm glad you asked. Because, I had questions, too. Including, but not limited to: How is tackybox.com not a porn site? (As the owner of meatfight.com, this is usually the first question that comes to my mind, whether or not the website sounds porny at all. But this one is definitely gonna get them some fancy spam. Also betting that fancyspam.com is a porn site. But, I digress.)

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Tacky Box

Tattooed Hippie Pirate Mommas Find New Beneficiaries for Their Calendar Fundraiser

Courts Griner Photography
Tattooed Hippie Pirate Momma members Lori Peniston, Stacy Willingham, Stephanie Meier and Amanda Servis in one of the many photos from the group's charity pinup calendar that will be released on December 1.
Last week was a strange one for Tattooed Hippie Pirate Mommas founder Stacy Willingham. She was already getting a ton of publicity for the mom group she founded and the calendar she helped create to raise money for charity.

It reached an interesting new level when we reported that the Children's Advocacy Center for Denton County (CACDC), the organization that the group originally intended to give the calendar's proceeds, had turned the donation down because "the money was raised with a pinup calendar that could be perceived by some as sexual in nature," according to a statement released by the center's executive director, Dan Leal.

See also: Denton Children's Advocacy Group Director Refuses Tattooed Moms' Donation

The comments and reactions that followed featured a mix of outrage that a charity would turn down the donation and a handful of fairly cruel criticisms of the moms.

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(UPDATED) Denton Children's Advocacy Group Director Refuses Tattooed Moms' Donation

Photo by Danny Gallagher
Mother and Tattooed Hippie Pirate Mommas founder Stacy Willingham spends time with her kids, 5-year-old Cole and 2-year-old Stella, and two massive dogs Zeus and Allie.

UPDATE, 2:40 p.m.: Dan Leal, the center's executive director, emailed us this statement this afternoon:

"The Children's Advocacy Center for Denton County appreciated the generous offer made by the Tattooed Hippie Pirate Mommas organization; however, the money was raised with a pin up calendar that could be perceived by some as sexual in nature and our Children's Advocacy Center's mission is to provide justice and healing for children who are the victims of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, we could not accept the proceeds of this pin up calendar's sales because of the calendar's possible perception, and not the hard working mothers who sponsored it."

Original story follows:

Stacy Willingham of Denton, a freelance writer and mother of two very active kids, had trouble fitting in with the square, un-inked, Red State of mind of some pockets of suburban Texas motherhood. She birthed her youngest daughter Stella in 2011 and like most moms, she needed other moms to talk to about trying to juggle a life, a career and two kids.

She described it as an unfriendly experience.

"They acted like I was stupid for being so stressed out, for lack of a better word," Willingham said as she tries to keep her oldest son Cole from making an old fashioned stack of mud pies in their backyard. "They ridiculed me for being open and talkative and I don't get it. ... I just wanted other moms to talk to."

Stacy also has two arms full of carefully sketched tattoos, and like most of her tattooed hippie mommas, she said they also had trouble fitting into "traditional" mom groups. So they got together and formed the Tattooed Hippie Pirate Mommas. It quickly spawned other chapters across the region, the state, the rest of the country and even in London. They started using their awesome, new-found mommy powers to start fundraisers to raise money for nonprofit groups of their choosing. That honor would have gone to the Children's Advocacy Center of Denton County but Development Director Stacie Wainscott declined their offer "due to the conservative nature of our organization," according to an email sent to Willingham.

"It's total bullshit," Stacy said.

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Plano Library's Veggie Derby Gives Your Little Ones a Good Excuse to Play With Their Food

Categories: The Parent Crap

City of Plano
WARNING: The following post contains an excess of the Food and Drug Administration's daily recommended allowance of vegetable puns. Since this story is about a vegetable rally and I'm still buzzing about Jason Jones' hilarious story about a California raisin farm "raisin" some hell with the government on the Daily Show, I apologize in advance.

The Haggard Library in Plano has come up with a free, fun and educational way to keep your little sprouts entertained on Thursday: a "Veggie Derby."

Students in grades 4-8 can participate by showing up at 3 p.m. at the library at 2501 Coit Road. Participation is limited to just 48 kids but it's completely free so their parents won't have to fork over any lettuce to participate.

The derby challenges the children to build a car out of a pile of fresh vegetables. Each kid who participates will be given a bucket full of "building materials" courtesy of the Friends of the Plano Public Library to make a ride that can "produce" the most speed (don't groan, that's a good one). Then they'll run their rides down a ramp and the builder with the most unique design and the fastest "thyme" will each receive a special trophy.

Again, I apologize for all the puns. I feel like such a has-bean.

The How to Raise a Baby in Dallas Guide to Dallas Baby-Raising

Categories: The Parent Crap

Dan Zettwoch
Click here to enlarge.
Fire hoses. Bazookas. Carnival acts. These are the shooting-things-out-of-themselves experts. I know this now. Probably should have consulted them before attempting to blast a 9-pound-11-ounce boob destroyer out of my favorite part. Ah, well. Hindsight, much like a newborn baby person, is a total motherfucker.

And once the baby's out of you, what the hell are you supposed to do with it, right? You're immediately hit with all these questions about how to provide the best for your newborn: Where are the hottest baby nightclubs? Are baby topsiders in or out? According to infant etiquette, when your baby pisses in your face, is it customary to say "thank you" or will a fist bump suffice?

When I had babies, there wasn't a sweet-ass guide to baby-ing in Dallas with all the baby feeding, baby clothing, baby hanging-out-with info. But I'm here for you, Dallas. As a freaking baby-rearing expert (based on four years as a mother of a girl person plus three weeks as the mother of a boy person plus a deep, serious relationship with Jack Daniel's), I give you The How to Raise a Baby in Dallas Guide to Dallas Baby-Raising.

Dallas is the land of baby opportunity. If you're sitting at home with your baby watching Netflix all day, you're doing it wrong. Netflix is for 4 a.m. feedings. If you watch Netflix 24 hours a day, you're going to blow your Netflix load way too early and run right through all the seasons of The Walking Dead in like three days. When you watch all the recent series that quickly, you're headed for disappointment, spelled with a capital "season finale of Pretty Wicked Moms and Elmo documentaries."

Instead, get out there and chug from the luxury-filled double-D boob that is the Dallas child-rearing scene.

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Buy Buy Baby Doesn't Sell Babies, and Other Baby-Shopping Tips from an Expert Mom

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

When you hear the name of the store "Buy Buy Baby," you immediately assume that this is a store that sells babies. So, you walk into their store and politely ask, "Pardon me, can you point me in the direction of the Look Who's Talking 2 babies? I'd like to price compare those with the Baby Alien that Comes out of the Mom's Mouth in Alien baby."

They look at you like you're an idiot. They inform you that you cannot, in fact, buy a baby from them. You decide that the service here is shit, so you head to Babies "R" Us. Surely if Toys "R" Us sells toys, Babies "R" Us must sell babies. Babies "r" them, after all.

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Jumpstreet Trampoline Park is Kid-Tested and Mother of God Do I Hate it

A trampoline park in Arizona that Alice won't be visiting.
Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

There's a shopping center off of Royal Lane and U.S. 75 that I fondly call the "NOOOOOOOOOO" shopping center. There's a Studio Movie Grill, if you ever want to eat mediocre food off a sticky table in the dark while you watch a blurry movie from the comfort of a sticky chair. There's a McDonald's selling Big Macs to people who are cheating on their Paleo diets just after finishing their pretend 15-minute turbo workouts at the nearby 24 Hour Fitness. And -- horror of horrors -- there's Jumpstreet.

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A Pregnant Lady's Etiquette Tips for Pregnants

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

The Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater Dallas alerted me that this week is National Etiquette Week. Apparently people have been celebrating this since 1997, which must be when shit started to hit the fan, politeness-wise. Makes sense. Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" was No. 15 on the Billboard Hot 100 that year and everyone knows she's the worst etiquetter ever. (And a liar. Never trust anyone who tells you she's "a goddess on her knees.")

This in mind, here are some helpful etiquette tips to pregnant bitches from a pregnant bitch. (Mad I called you a bitch? Practice these skills for a week and I'll call you a lady.)

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Baby Fashion Is Out of Control

Categories: The Parent Crap

$195 is not too much for shoes for someone who can't walk and doesn't know what the word "shoe" means.
If you're a new parent, of course you want the best for your beautiful little angel-bundle of piss and dump. And don't fancy designers know it. Here are five ridiculous baby-clothing options that are currently available in the world. Prepare to be amazed.

Gucci Double-Strap Sneaker, Pink (above)
You, too, can buy your baby designer shoes for only $195. This shoe looks like a kid already threw up on it. Under "You may also like," they should have included "bending your wallet over and letting Neiman Marcus take advantage of it."

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