Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

The Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater Dallas alerted me that this week is National Etiquette Week. Apparently people have been celebrating this since 1997, which must be when shit started to hit the fan, politeness-wise. Makes sense. Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" was No. 15 on the Billboard Hot 100 that year and everyone knows she's the worst etiquetter ever. (And a liar. Never trust anyone who tells you she's "a goddess on her knees.")

This in mind, here are some helpful etiquette tips to pregnant bitches from a pregnant bitch. (Mad I called you a bitch? Practice these skills for a week and I'll call you a lady.)

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neimanmarcus.com

$195 is not too much for shoes for someone who can't walk and doesn't know what the word "shoe" means.

If you're a new parent, of course you want the best for your beautiful little angel-bundle of piss and dump. And don't fancy designers know it. Here are five ridiculous baby-clothing options that are currently available in the world. Prepare to be amazed.

Gucci Double-Strap Sneaker, Pink (above)
You, too, can buy your baby designer shoes for only $195. This shoe looks like a kid already threw up on it. Under "You may also like," they should have included "bending your wallet over and letting Neiman Marcus take advantage of it."

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adweek.com

Huggies TweetPee needs to be a thing in America. We need it.

Information: There's a Huggies App that sends you a tweet whenever your kid pees in his diaper.

Adweek tells us that the Huggies TweetPee is "a little sensor dreamed up by Ogilvy Brazil that affixes to your baby's diaper, syncs with an app and tweets at you whenever it detects pee (in the form of a higher humidity level)."

WE NEED THIS SCIENCE.

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Unless your baby plays women's volleyball ... no.

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

Your friends are throwing a baby shower for you. They want to know where you're registered, and when you say "Babydolls," they blink in your face until you give them a name of an actual stuff-for-baby-having baby place.

There are things you'll definitely want to register for, like D batteries and a Netflix subscription, but let's also explore the six useless wastes of money that should not ever, ever, ever be on your baby registry:

Baby knee pads (above)
Babies R Us description: "The Safety 1st Cushioned Soft Knees Protectors help protect Baby's sensitive knees from being irritated while crawling on the floor and carpets."
Is your kid literally gonna be crawlin' on broken glass, Baby Annie Lennox-style? Worst case, you can dig some Fila wristbands out of your sock drawer and use those.
Baby wipe warmer

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Oh yeah. Being shaped like a giant-beer-gutted man totally makes you feel like wearing white pants.

I bought something from A Pea In The Pod recently, because I'm making a person and I need making-a-person clothes. When you check out at the register at this place, before they let you pay for their super expensive clothing, they ask you a shit ton of questions that may or may not include: the birth date of your soon-to-be-child, your email address, your favorite color, your Social Security Number and whether or not you like cheese pizza and Ryan Gosling.

And then you get home and you start getting all these A Pea In The Pod emails. Most of them suggest outfits for your new, temporarily weird-shaped body.

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This potty training seat for your toddler comes with an iPad attachment. Really.

Potty training a toddler isn't fun. Trying to convince a toddler to crap into a toilet is like trying to convince a drunk person that whatever stupid shit he's currently doing is a bad idea. Conversations with both the toddler and the drunk will end with the same result: he will shit his pants while making eye contact with you, just to get you to change the subject.

Because potty training is such an intolerable mind screw, marketers sell thousands of millions of devices that promise to magically make your kid into a potty-shitting angel. There are how-to books narrated by every cartoon character your child has ever encountered, there are tiny toilets that sing songs when the kid pisses or dumps into them, and now the iPotty exists. It's $40, and you can strap an iPad into it while you wait for your kid to deliver a package.

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dallasnews.com

Screw registering at Babies R Us. This is where you really need to register.

If you've ever been to a baby shower, you've seen the same gifts over and over again: baby bottles, baby diapers, baby blankets, baby clothes.

Sure, people who are expecting to have a baby-type person enter their lives need those things. But there's a ton of other shit that Babies R Us and other baby-centric retail stores are recommending that you register for that you just don't need. So, put down the baby-wipe warmer and register for this actually useful list of tiny-baby-person essentials instead:

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Should be easy and fun. But, now, parents are making it into work. Dammit, parents.

In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.

It's Christmastime again, and if you have a toddler at home, that means it's also probably Elf On The Shelf time. If you've never heard of Elf On The Shelf, let me explain: It's a dumb thing parents do that can only end in self hate and tears.

Oh sure, Elf On The Shelf seemed like a cute idea when you bought one for your house. "We'll set him out every night, tell the kid he reports back to Santa so they'd better not be assholes, and it'll be like we've got a Christmas watchdog right in our house. Hell yeah."

But apparently, these days, simply putting the elf out on the shelf is not enough.

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Parent Crap's Alice Laussade is off this week, tending to her beloved Meat Fight. Joe Tone, who became a parent earlier this year, fills in.

The house was dark. Most of the street was by then. Porch lights, living-room lights, kitchen lights -- every watt visible from the sidewalk was dead, a message of discouragement to the wayward princesses and zombies and superheros still out there, lurking, hoping against hope for a pillow-case top-off.

They were out there. Of course they were. It was hardly past eight o'clock. The rings and knocks had mostly stopped, but occasionally a stray burst filled the house, like the final heartbeats of a popcorn bag. I ignored them. Tried to, anyway.

I was upstairs, in the bathroom. Mine was the only light on in the house. Ostensibly I was there to give my son a bath, but he'd been sitting there for a good five minutes and not a drop of soap had graced his perfect skin. I was distracted. I couldn't stop replaying the night in my head, ticking off the things I could have done better. I was a rookie, sure -- my first Halloween in a proper house, as a Dad, the weight of the trick-or-treating world on my shoulders. But still: How did I screw it up this badly?

Let's go to the tape.

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In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.

Choosing the perfect Halloween candy to pass out to trick-or-treaters is extremely important, if you ever want your neighbors to think you're cool. Is quantity more important than quality? Is getting a bag of real eyeballs to hand out to toddlers really worth the hassle? What about cucumbers?

See also:
- Why Are We Dressing Our Adorable Kids Like Douchey Adults?
- Dear Dallas Parents: This Halloween, Try Not to Dress Your Kid Like a Hooker

Want to know exactly what the Halloween candy you're choosing to hand out to trick-or-treaters says about you? Good.

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