Aren't you curious who's going on "traditional" holiday dates? A Christmas Carol isn't sexy. Nobody gets laid after The Nutcracker. And who wants to drive through holiday lights together? All of the traffic really impedes the drinking and making out and hand-jays, which are your primary goals.
|Photo by Danny Hurley|
Don't wait until the crap holiday programming melts away to ask someone out. This is Dallas: For every boring, wholesome surface event you see on Guidelive, there's a dozen freaky things happening underground. That's where we come in.
Let the Observer be your eggnog-spiking wingman with these 10 holiday dates, custom-built for godless hornball weirdos like you.
1. Get Stoned and Visit the George W. Bush Presidential Center. (Attempt to Buy a Christmas Ornament, Get Denied.)
Warning: DO NOT go to the Bush Center sober. That's a rookie move, reserved for people in sweater sets and sensible shoes. For this date you'll both show up goofballed out of your minds and dressed crazy. Then you'll awkwardly pay entry from your Coinstar sock.
That's your right as an American.
The crown jewel of this outing isn't the formal presidential splendor, it's locating Dubya's holiday ornament, a true work of craftsmanship selling for the oh, so reasonable price of $29.95.
Since your eyes will be redder than Georgie's cardinal, expect friction from security. Especially when you insist on paying in nickles.