I was dicking around on the internet last week when known Valentine's Day scrooge the Houston Chronicle brought my attention to a national survey ranking Dallas as the seventhth most heartbroken city in America. Based on a foolproof algorithm of marriage rates, demand for dating services and surfing Instagram for sad people, the author of the "report" found us pretty unlucky in love.
Dating is the worst.
I can't speak for the men of Dallas. But I know that for us women, the dating pool here can be shallow and well-stocked with bottom feeders. Here are 10 fish you have probably (hopefully) thrown back to sea.More »
Photo by @Giovani on Flickr Spend your V-Day at the Kessler.
Valentine's Day is back and with it come visions of fat little blonde men in tiny diapers aiming sharp objects at your pulmonary artery. It's the time in late winter when North Texans get bored with the cold and long to take off a few layers and use the energy they've been storing for months to heat things up. Mid-February, people get, well, twitterpated.
Whether this sickly sweet holiday finds you out-of-your-mind wacky for that special someone or freshly embittered over loves past, there's something for you to do in Dallas. Here are some of the more appealing.More »
Valentine's Day is stupid. And you jerks keep making it stupider by being so horrible at valentines-ing. I will now attempt to save you from your horrible selves. Here are some don'ts for this Valentine's Day. Cheers to not being the worst at this fake holiday from now on.
Don't buy anyone an edible arrangement. (Unless you can create a Meat Basket.)
NO. No, ma'am. Step away from the edible arrangement.
If you buy your hump buddy an edible arrangement made out of fruit, you're not only saying you suck at knowing what a real flower is, but you're also assuming your lust one has a way to refrigerate eighteen pounds of pineapples. An edible arrangement of fruit says, "I know you like to eat things off of skewers. I also think you probably like receiving the same thing that I got my Nana when she broke her hip. Thanks for asking, yes, her hip is better now."More »
"Tis the season to be jolly" is a fine attitude to take as you shop for Santa's gifts this Christmas season, but for those of us who prefer a little more naughty for our significant or not-so-significant others, just the right gift from Bad Santa isn't something that showcases during commercial breaks of It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story or National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
We're 12 years into the 21st century and still doing holiday things that would make the 1990s shudder. Here's a list of things we, as a nation, need to knock the eff off.
1. Car Antlers
Let's go ahead an toss car wreaths and humorous Santa body parts in the radiator grill in here too. Here's a hint: Don't buy you holiday decorations at the same car wash that sold you those truck nuts.
Despite the fact that etsy has officially been infiltrated by crap, there are still a few gems out there. Some even call Dallas their home. Here's a list of the top etsy Dallas vendors that'll make you proud to share your tap water with them.
"Live Long and PawsPurr" from Rayguns and Robots
They're listed in no particular order with the exception of the first three that you've probably already heard of ... unless you've been living under a white rock or something. (A Dallas pun?!? You're welcome.)More »
Your dad is a man. He may have been tamed by the structure of society and had his teeth dulled by life's monotony, but he's in there, lion and all. So with father's day approaching, what have you gotten him? A tie? A gift card to Best Buy? Maybe a coffee mug or a kitschy card that took two seconds to read before being selected?
Nick Zukin, Flickr
SHAME ON YOU. Throw that shit away right now. Your dad doesn't want another picture frame or book or fishing lure; he wants to spend time with you, assuming neither of you are complete assholes.
So: Have you thrown those boring gifts out the window? Good. May they land next to the plastic heart shaped box full of gross chocolate, and the stale Easter egg candies that have survived two world wars.
Here are some things to do instead. Let's move.More »
Last year you took your mom out to brunch on Mother's Day. You did that the year before, too. In fact, everybody does that, every year. And while brunching is undeniably one of life's best things, brunching on Mother's Day is one of its worst. So many moms, so many weak mimosas, so few tables.
Luckily, there are plenty of non-brunch mom-day options in Dallas. Here are five of our favorites:More »