TNT

The tense moments came fast and furious during the fourth episode of the new Dallas this week, making us salivate - no, downright drool - for the moment that J.R. finally reclaims control of Southfork Ranch. We're supposed to be rooting for the bad guy, right? Because it's a hell of a lot more fun (UPDATE: Fun enough to warrant a second season, even).

Consider the "heroes" in the bizarro TNT version of our fair city: Bobby Ewing looks weird in a cowboy hat, whispers too much, and refuses to call in an extra hand or two when a pregnant cow is about to 'splode on his barn floor. He'd rather stick his hand up it, because he's a Ewing, goddammit. His adopted calf...er...son, Christopher, spends way too much time obsessing over alternative-energy studies and pretending to fix fences in too-stylish clothing. And he's so worried about his secret undying love for the cook's daughter, Elena, that he's totally oblivious to his new wife, Forgot-Her-Name, being a femme fatale.

John Ross, on the other hand, is becoming quite the delicious character. Despite the fact that big daddy J.R. is secretly cutting him out of the double-backstabby-Southfork-acquisition deal, li'l Jo-Ro's showing a few street smarts of his own. He's managed to charm his way back into Elena's business portfolio, all while blackmailing Forgot-Her-Name because he actually knew enough to hire a private detective to help him figure out that it was she who sent the now infamous eeeeee-mail. Oh, that e-mail. It keeps rearing its ugly subject line, don't it?

Anyway, one, two, skip a few plot lines (including Sue Ellen's extremely toothy governorship ambitions), and we come to the cliffhanger moment of the episode: J.R.'s about to stroll into the Southfork BBQ, eyebrows first, and take over dat shit. Meanwhile, Femme Fatalia might come clean to Christopher about a few thangs. Stay tuned....

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He's back.

After last week's uneven, unintentionally comical premiere ("I never SENT you an EEEEEE-MAIL."), TNT's re-launch of Dallas hit a gusher on Wednesday (isn't that what the oil people say when they do well?). J.R. Ewing, like, TOOK-OVER took over.

Asses were kicked, names taken, delicious one-liners uttered. He began his epic re-emergence by holding a straight razor to pretty-boy John Ross' face, threateningly, as if he'd just taken a shaving lesson from Celie in The Color Purple. Once he groomed some sense into Sonny Boy and guided him away from planned triple-crossing tomfoolery, he continued his codger's quest to gain back control of Southfork. Fueled by red Jello and a newfound lust for life, J.R. concocted a plan that allowed him to move into the family home with Bobby and gun-toting wifey, Ann. He and Jo-Ro then used some old documents and deception to convince Bobby to go through with the sale of the ranch to a "conservancy" that's actually in cahoots with Lord J.R.
The best part? The scary-looking leader of the conservancy is played by Tony Almeida from 24! Carlos Bernard is not to be fucked wit'!
I was so excited about the Ton-man, that I failed to mention the return of yet another shady Dallas old-timer. Ken Kercheval is back slinking around the scenery as Cliff Barnes, giving ol' J.R. a proper nemesis. Shit's getting good.

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