Dallas Christmas Shopping Bingo! Can You Find Yourself?

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Alice Laussade
It's the holiday season. A time of joy. A time of laughter. A time when everyone likes to buy their favorite friends and family members presents whilst being total dicks to all the strangers in their path. Let's all go to NorthPark and play Holiday Shopping Bingo!

The Twitchy-Eyed Mom
Her give-a-shitter is busted. She's been dragging two kids around this mall for two hours, and she will cut you if you glare at her scream-crying toddler. She is out of diapers and there are no more snacks in her purse. One wrong move, and this entire mall explodes in a blaze of red-green-blue-glitter glory.

The Lost Soul
Just came here for one thing. Hit a wall of anxiety when the Macy's door closed and he was cut off from regular civilization. Has only been walking through the tie section for an hour, but has somehow grown a full beard and aged 30 years.

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Do Not Let Kim Kardashian Dress Your Infant.

Categories: Alice Column

Kim Kardashian 2012
When I heard that Kim Kardashian had a new baby collection coming out, I assumed it was a formal announcement that she was about to birth multiples.

As it turns out, she is not going to birth a collection of babies, but has in actuality created a line of baby clothing for Babies R Us. It's really the perfect fit. Who better to create flattering clothing for giant baby-diapered asses than a woman who is known for her spectacularly giant ass?

Whether your baby is going to The Club or Da Club, the Kardashian Kids line will help her fit right in. Behold a list of the actual items in the Kardashians' baby clothing line:

Girls black leatherette skirt (with diaper cover). Does your baby need something to wear to the pacifier rave this weekend? You're in luck! This black leatherette skirt is so scandalously short, it will make all the baby boys smile-shit their 6M elastic-waist pants.


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Eff You, Lice, and the Little Lice Horse You Rode In On

Categories: Alice Column

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Daniel Hall/Flickr
Editor's note: Pictures of lice and nits are just too disgusting, so we're giving you cute baby bunnies instead. Also, Alice, if you're reading this, don't feel you need to stop by the office anytime soon.

Dearest Lice,

Fuck you very much. Fuck you for jumping onto some kid's head, and then onto my kid's head. Fuck you additionally and this time more aggressively and angrily for then jumping onto my head. I will end you.

I know that you were sent to earth to remind parents that they are dumbshits for becoming parents. I know that, just like Gary Busey, you exist just to gross people out.
I thought that, of all the bugs in the bug kingdom, I hated mosquitoes the most. Mosquitoes 100 percent blow. Lice, you blow infinity percent.

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Wear a Bike Helmet; The World Is Full of Dumbasses

Categories: Alice Column

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Fir0002/Flagstaffotos
Mom says wear it, or she'll give you such a smack.
Recently, Dallas City Council decided that they didn't want to force people older than 17 years of age to wear helmets when they're riding bikes. Which is fine. I don't believe that there has to be a law saying everything that's fucking stupid is fucking stupid.

If that were the case, we'd have laws against the Paleo diet, tattooed eyeliner and the Twilight franchise.

That said, I'm gonna put my mom voice on for a second and tell you in the sweetest way I can that it is fucking stupid to ride a bike in this town without wearing a helmet to protect your head, which scientists say houses your brain. Dumbasses surround you. You must protect yourself from them.

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It's Time for Full-On Elf on the Shelf Parenting

Categories: Alice Column

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Alice Laussade
Like Alice, like elf ...
I found it in the children's book section of Barnes & Noble. It was colorful. It had birthday balloons all over it. It was sent to my eyeballs from the devil himself. And now, I share this awful news with you: There is an Elf on the Shelf for birthdays.

Unfamiliar with the concept of Elf on the Shelf? Allow me to explain. The Elf on the Shelf takes the concept of Santa and makes it into a month-long threat. On December 1, you put this elf toy somewhere in your home, maybe your mantel. You tell your kid he's a messenger of Santa's. Basically, he's the Jesus to God Santa. When your kid's being a shit, instead of parenting the kid, you point to the shelf elf and say, "The elf is watching you. He's going to go tell Santa how you're acting -- you'd better be good."

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Predicting 2014's Most Popular Baby Names with Science!

Categories: Alice Column

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Scoff if you want, but when civilization does collapse, your boy RAAAAARG!! will be bringing home possum -- hope it's possum -- to keep his family fed.
Recently, Time magazine published a baby-name predictor, developed with Chris Franck, an assistant research professor in statistics at Virginia Tech. Using a model that seems to be at the very least more accurate at generating results than The Dallas Morning News' Best Neighborhood Survey, Franck reports that Noah has unseated Jacob as the most popular boy's name, and Sophia remains the most popular girl's name.

I have developed my own baby name predictor, based solely on the names I've seen on the check-in sheets at my daughter's preschool, summer camps and the names I've heard mothers yell across playgrounds and soccer fields this year. I can tell you with great (scientific) confidence, that "Alexander" is an extremely popular current boy's name in the Dallas area. And he doesn't listen to shit.

Here are the top three boy and girl baby names that I predict are going to skyrocket in popularity in Dallas in 2014:


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Traditional Anniversary Gifts Can Suck It. Here's What You Should Really Get.

Categories: Alice Column

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Go ahead, ignore Alice. Give pottery for your eighth anniversary.
Congratulations. You've been married for more than one year! That means you get to start celebrating your success at staying married or failure at divorcing once a year every year! The Internet says that there are traditional anniversary gifts for each year of marriage. But the traditional list of anniversary gifts is bullshit. In order to prove my point, I offer you the Internet's answer for the traditional anniversary gift, followed by the actual perfect anniversary gift for each year. Begin:

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How to Be the Perfect Scarborough Fair Asshole

Categories: Alice Column

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Rhomba Survivor
Confession: I have not only attended Scarborough Fair, but I have shown up in costume. Multiple times. Sober. Not on a dare. During college. With a choir group, and we totally sang period-appropriate tunes without being asked to and without being paid for it.

Because we were nerd rebels. I once held the title of "Head Wench," which is not nearly as interesting as it sounds. It mainly involved skipping gleefully. Stop being so jealous of how radical I am.

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Mad Men Needs Less Staring, More Dying

Categories: Alice Column

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Equals Alice's kind of show.
I don't like Mad Men. Maybe it's because I used to be a copywriter in an ad agency. Hearing ad people love on Mad Men is grosser than watching your parents make out. "As an art director, I love the art direction." "I really feel like Peggy and I are the same person sometimes -- how come I have to do all the dildo ads, right? Oh, because I'm a girl? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S STILL 1950. UGH."

Maybe it's because I heard it was a comedy and I watched the whole first season waiting for Joan's boobs to crack a joke.

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Preschool Owns You, and There's Nothing You Can Do

Categories: Alice Column

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Is Pete Delkus part of a preschool-meteorologist conspiracy to drive parents insane? We're not saying yes; we're not saying no.
In preschool, they decide when school happens because they have you by the toddler balls. They don't follow a regular school calendar, because fuck you, they do what they want, this isn't real education yet. The "pre" in "preschool" does stand for "pretend," after all.

This isn't to say that your children aren't learning. Preschool is absolutely preparing your kid for real school, teaching them social skills and how to count and read and be good human beings and all that. It's necessary, even if it feels like it exists because you need your toddling, sticky-handed, Frozen-song-on-repeat-singing kids to go somewhere for four to six hours a day so that you have the patience to survive the Infant And Toddler Crying Face Off Everything's Wrong Hour, aka Dear God What Have I Done To My Life Minutes, aka Sweet Sally's Shit Show, known to the rest of the world as 6 p.m.

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