Katy Perry used headgear to make a statement, but for most girls the only thing headgear says is "Vagina closed until further notice." It says it in a British accent, too, which is weird.

"A yeast infection looks like chicken noodle soup." In those eight words, my sex ed teacher at W.T. White High School taught me all I ever wanted to know about yeast infections. (That's the moment I became interested in food writing, too.)

My sex-ed teacher was a not-fucking-around track coach at WTW. At the beginning of each day of sex ed, he told us he was required by law to tell us that abstinence was the best policy. (That's still a thing. Check out the recent Observer cover story "Sex Ed the Texas Way," by Anna Merlan.)

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

The Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater Dallas alerted me that this week is National Etiquette Week. Apparently people have been celebrating this since 1997, which must be when shit started to hit the fan, politeness-wise. Makes sense. Meredith Brooks' "Bitch" was No. 15 on the Billboard Hot 100 that year and everyone knows she's the worst etiquetter ever. (And a liar. Never trust anyone who tells you she's "a goddess on her knees.")

This in mind, here are some helpful etiquette tips to pregnant bitches from a pregnant bitch. (Mad I called you a bitch? Practice these skills for a week and I'll call you a lady.)

Alice Laussade

The News offers this coffee shop among Valley Ranch's urban treasures.

The Dallas Morning News has definitively ranked the best areas in Dallas for "urban sophisticates." You're either thinking to yourself, "FINALLY" or "What the holy hell is an urban sophisticate? Is that a monocle-wearing hipster?"

News columnist Jacquielynn Floyd defines "urban sophisticates" as "people who want affordable, walkable neighborhoods with plenty of entertainment and dining options." Cool. So they are people.

I still had questions about these urban sophisticates -- How much bacon do they consume? Do they wear underpants? Do they follow @CBS11Larry on Twitter? -- so I decided to do some of my own research. I had to view these urban sophisticates in their natural habitat.

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

You were innocently watching crappy reality television when it happened. Something broke into your program and burned into your eyes the most destructive images. It was more horrifying than when you walked in on your parents doing sex on each other. More frightening than baby jeggings. More torturous than a Two and a Half Men marathon.

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

Dearest Lady Mosquito:

Apparently your mosquito pools in Dallas are already testing positive for West Nile. It's April. Usually, your pools don't start testing positive until May, but this year, like a jackass who got the date of the party wrong, you show up at Dallas' door a month early. And you didn't even bring Doritos and shitty beer.

See also:
- Who Else Wants to Punch Allergies in the Junk?
- A Modest Proposal to Save Valley View Mall, Starting with a Bounce-House Bar for Adults

"My very own pen! What's next, the right to vote????"

Dearest Bic For Her ...

I heard about your pens, specifically branded for women, a while ago. Before I spend my woman money on the pink and purple pens you have labeled "For Her," I have a few questions:

1. How did you know that I love the color pink, and to a lesser extent, the color purple? Is it because I'm a woman?

2. What makes your pens better for women than they are for cats? (It's gotta be the flower designs. Which I find myself immediately drawn to. As a woman.)

3. How long do I leave the Bic For Her inside my woman vagina?

Unless your baby plays women's volleyball ... no.

Your friends are throwing a baby shower for you. They want to know where you're registered, and when you say "Babydolls," they blink in your face until you give them a name of an actual stuff-for-baby-having baby place.

There are things you'll definitely want to register for, like D batteries and a Netflix subscription, but let's also explore the six useless wastes of money that should not ever, ever, ever be on your baby registry:

Baby knee pads (above)
Babies R Us description: "The Safety 1st Cushioned Soft Knees Protectors help protect Baby's sensitive knees from being irritated while crawling on the floor and carpets."
Is your kid literally gonna be crawlin' on broken glass, Baby Annie Lennox-style? Worst case, you can dig some Fila wristbands out of your sock drawer and use those.
Baby wipe warmer

prisonersfamiliesvoices.blogspot.com

Between writing profanity laced blog posts, Alice relaxes with crafts. No, we don't know why those are boobs, and we're a little afraid to ask.

As you walk up to the magic sliding doors of Michaels, you wonder two things: 1) Why is there no apostrophe in the name of this store? Is this dude's name plural? Or is this a store that only sells Michaels? and 2) FOAM BEER COOZIES FOR A DOLLAR?!?!?

You then grab 800 beer coozies, which you plan to decorate with Sharpie markers. Michaels has already taken your sanity, and you're not even in the front door yet. Turn back? It's already much too late for that.

A minute ago, you would have thought a wreath of plastic baby doll baby faces was a weird idea for a baby shower gift. But after three minutes in Michaels, your brain starts telling you it might make sense to buy the $400 worth of supplies to DIY the shit out of that baby-head welcome wreath. "I'm definitely gonna need more heads. And No. 18 green floral wire." Dammit, you love Michaels.

via Flickr

Lots of people have lots of questions about Easter, including, but not limited to:

What is the theological significance of getting so drunk with family on Easter? What is the origin story of Peeps? Why did those white patent-leather fancy church shoes of my Easter childhood have to hurt so fucking bad? I'm here to answer some of those questions.

What is Easter?
Easter is the celebration of the resurrection of Christ and his No. 1 wingman, the Easter Bunny.

Allergies are total assholes. They're bigger assholes than cheap tacos that look all delicious and then taste like dump. They're bigger assholes than Les Misérables the movie, which was an asshole filled with assholes and you know it.

It's time for us to kick the asses of all allergies. From small, jerk-off seasonal allergies like pollen all the way to food allergies, which are some of the biggest bunch of duckshit dicksack junkhole allergies you'll ever encounter.