Wear a Bike Helmet; The World Is Full of Dumbasses

Categories: Alice Column

640px-Bike_helmet.jpg
Fir0002/Flagstaffotos
Mom says wear it, or she'll give you such a smack.
Recently, Dallas City Council decided that they didn't want to force people older than 17 years of age to wear helmets when they're riding bikes. Which is fine. I don't believe that there has to be a law saying everything that's fucking stupid is fucking stupid.

If that were the case, we'd have laws against the Paleo diet, tattooed eyeliner and the Twilight franchise.

That said, I'm gonna put my mom voice on for a second and tell you in the sweetest way I can that it is fucking stupid to ride a bike in this town without wearing a helmet to protect your head, which scientists say houses your brain. Dumbasses surround you. You must protect yourself from them.

If you don't believe me, go ride a bike at White Rock Lake one time. Just once. If you leave the lake having seen zero dumbasses, I will give you a slap in the nuts for lying (man nuts or lady nuts, whichever). Pro tip: If you can't spot the dumbass while you're on a bike in Dallas, it's you.

See also: Dallas Repeals Bike Helmet Law for Adults

Dumbasses come in all shapes and sizes, and they all have the potential to wreck your face. Here are just a few of the dumbasses I have seen on my bike travels. Each one of them individually convinced me that wearing a helmet while riding a bike is the only sane option.

  • Dumbass Car: There are safe drivers and dumbass drivers. This is known. Protect your head from the dumbasses. Note: All ice cream truck drivers count as dumbasses.
  • Dumbass Cyclists: There are safe cyclists and dumbass cyclists. This is known. Protip: The louder they yell, "On your left," the dumber they are.
  • Flying a Kite Across the Path Dumbass: This dumbass decided it was the perfect day to fly a kite at the lake. It was sunny and 75 degrees with a nice, cool breeze with winds at 20 mph and gusts of up to 30 mph. When the wind changed directions suddenly, the kite went with it, bringing the string across the path at exactly head height. I felt the string twang against the top of my helmet as I ducked under it.
  • Dumbass Double Stroller Mom on an iPhone: Mom is on her iPhone while pushing her double stroller on the shared path. She will always stop short in front of you to get a Boogie Wipe without looking at her surroundings.
  • Dumbass Squirrel: This squirrel is bad at Frogger. He runs across the road in front of bikes all the time and wants to die because being a squirrel "fucking sucks, y'all."
  • Dumbass Cop versus Bees: I saw a police officer throw away trash. He was then accosted by several ill-mannered bees. He ran across the road right in front of me, screaming like a toddler and frantically swatting his own face and belly. He did not get stung at this time. I barely stopped in time to laugh enough.

Wear a helmet when you're riding your bike. The dumbasses are coming for you.


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22 comments
Sidewalk
Sidewalk

If you wear a helmet while riding bicycles, use motorcycle helmets. Bicycle helmets offer little protection. I guess there are better than nothing.

melsent
melsent

People would be foolish to ride motorcycles without wearing a helmet. People should try to get all the good things to have a healthy life. http://ow.ly/ycZK2

Steve
Steve

Dumbass three fat Mexicans walking slowly, taking up the entire fucking lane.

williamzhall
williamzhall

So I'm a dumb-ass for announcing that I'm passing you on the left? 

williamzhall
williamzhall

So I'm a dumb-ass for announcing that I'm passing you on the left?  Well, double dumb-ass on you!

williamzhall
williamzhall

So I'm a dumb-ass for announcing that I'm passing you on the left? 

Oxbow
Oxbow

Dumbasses that write in the comments section.....oh wait.

hb66809
hb66809

I was not convinced until just now....

nakedlens
nakedlens

Seems to me that most of these "dumbasses" are more easily avoided by being aware of your surroundings than by wearing a helmet.

fishingblues
fishingblues topcommenter

What a dumbass column.  

TO THE MOON ALICE!

LongarLongar
LongarLongar

I (like most people) face a much greater risk of head injury while driving/riding in an automobile than I do from cycling. Yet, suggesting I should wear a helmet while in an automobile because of dumbasses everywhere sounds ridiculous.

mm32
mm32

@LongarLongar Um, how do you figure?
  Seems that risk of head injury would be much higher on a bicycle.  And the risk of dumbasses affecting your health even higher.  Kite string and errant squirrels don't faze a car.

LongarLongar
LongarLongar

@mm32 How much time do you spend on a bike compared to riding in a car? Anecdotes about squirrels and kites don't factor into real analysis 

mm32
mm32

@LongarLongar @mm32 I spend way more time driving than skydiving.  Wait, are you saying I shouldn't wear a parachute in my car, either?  Now I get your logic.

Real analysis requires figuring the risk of injury while performing an activity.  Has nothing to do with the fact that you might spend a lot more time doing something else that's inherently safer.

And squirrels.

LongarLongar
LongarLongar

@mm32 Real analysis has been done on this. The total risk of head injury most people face from automobiles is significantly greater than total risk from cycling. Wearing a helmet would reduce this total risk. But wearing a helmet is inconvenient and uncomfortable. 


"A more intuitive way to equate the risk is by driving distance.  There are 8.2 fatalities per billion miles driven.  To get the equivalent risk of riding helmetless for a year -- 1 in 250,000 -- you only need to drive 487 kilometers -- once.  That's 300 miles.  One five hour drive."

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