Eff You, Lice, and the Little Lice Horse You Rode In On

Categories: Alice Column

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Daniel Hall/Flickr
Editor's note: Pictures of lice and nits are just too disgusting, so we're giving you cute baby bunnies instead. Also, Alice, if you're reading this, don't feel you need to stop by the office anytime soon.

Dearest Lice,

Fuck you very much. Fuck you for jumping onto some kid's head, and then onto my kid's head. Fuck you additionally and this time more aggressively and angrily for then jumping onto my head. I will end you.

I know that you were sent to earth to remind parents that they are dumbshits for becoming parents. I know that, just like Gary Busey, you exist just to gross people out.
I thought that, of all the bugs in the bug kingdom, I hated mosquitoes the most. Mosquitoes 100 percent blow. Lice, you blow infinity percent.

I will kill you all until you die. And then kill you some more. Before I kill you, I'd love to give your family lice just so you can understand what an ass pain you are. I'd love to see you washing all your bedding in your lice house every night for two weeks. I'd love to see your little lice paws shoving all your tiny lice headbands and lice hair accessories and lice stuffed teddy bears and lice blankets and lice pillows into lice trash bags and sealing them up for days. You would know the pain of having to wash your lice kid's hair with lice shampoo and conditioner every night and then yelling at the sky as the lice teachers at lice preschool tell you three more lice kids have gone home with you on their heads. But the people at Hair Fairies tell me that's not physically possible.

Hair Fairies is a place in the Shops at Park Lane where you can get deloused. They comb through your hair for hours while you admire their Restoration Hardware furniture and IKEA kid toys. They talk and you learn that someone once asked them if Hair Fairies could check to see if they had lice in their pubes, and they had to say, "I'm sorry, that's a different bug that you have to handle elsewhere." I asked if there was a place called "Pube Fairies." Apparently, there isn't. I digress. Hair Fairies charges humans approximately one million dollars to get rid of lice, and they have us by the balls because if we try to get rid of you by ourselves and miss even one nit, you stupid lice will immediately build more shitty condos and strip malls on our scalps. I will not have another lice Sbarro on my head. I just won't.

Though I have been lice-free for two weeks, my scalp itches as I type this. Fuck you, lice.

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16 comments
Daniel
Daniel

Your kid will get them again when school starts. 

You're welcome.

dalmom
dalmom

Olive oil and the nit terminator lice comb work better than anything else we tried. Those suckers kept coming back 6-8 times before we paid $500 for the privilege of learning about the wonders of olive oil. Also, if your kid is in daycare...that's where it is coming from.  The place needs to disinfect everything and have all of their employees and children in care go through treatment for lice. Naptime is like a lice party otherwise....

beckyjsanders
beckyjsanders

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LICENation
LICENation

Foolish Alice. You may have won the battle, but not the war. LICENation has simply gone underground to regroup. And when we say underground, we mean that one small, dark, mildly dusty (srsly A? get a duster!) in your home. That's right - THAT ONE. We are breeding, and preparing for an overnight, 2:43am massive had onslaught. None of your follicles will be spared. 

Love,

LICENation


ColonelAngus
ColonelAngus

Lice suck, but chiggers are the worst!  Anyone who grew up building forts in the woods may have experienced the agony.  They head directly for the warmest area of your body (think crotch) and chow down.  Before you know what hit you 25 of them have attacked your privates and you are scratching yourself bloody.  Then you get to apply your sister's clear nail polish to the wounds.  Die bastards!

annajacobs801
annajacobs801

I used ClearLice when my kid spread lice to my husband and I. I did it at home and it got rid of the lice and nits in one day. The kit also came with laundry additive and household spray to wash bedding/clothes with and spray down furniture and rugs.

deaniemcswain
deaniemcswain

I feel your pain.  I went to The Lice Place - they don't charge millions and they take care of it one treatment.  Love those people at The Lice Place!

crb819
crb819

im sorry, i couldnt pay attention to any of this...is that bunny licking the other bunny's butt?!?!

gm0622
gm0622

Could be a whole hell of a lot worse.

Just add bedbugs to the mix.

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Just one of the fears associated with raising girl children; we've all been there.   And we always wondered which family knowingly sent their infested child out to spread the love.

AliceLaussade
AliceLaussade

FANTASTIC I STABBED EACH ONE IN THE HEART WITH A TOOTHPICK AND YELLED, "FREEDOM!!"

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