How to Be the Perfect Scarborough Fair Asshole

Categories: Alice Column

scarboroughfair_survivor.jpg
Rhomba Survivor
Confession: I have not only attended Scarborough Fair, but I have shown up in costume. Multiple times. Sober. Not on a dare. During college. With a choir group, and we totally sang period-appropriate tunes without being asked to and without being paid for it.

Because we were nerd rebels. I once held the title of "Head Wench," which is not nearly as interesting as it sounds. It mainly involved skipping gleefully. Stop being so jealous of how radical I am.

What is Scarborough Fair, you ask? It's the outdoor theme park (read: dirty field) version of Medieval Times. It's a Renaissance festival complete with jousting, the wrong random women wearing really frightening chainmail bikinis, turkey legs, some dude complaining about how his doublet doesn't fit like it used to, hundreds of pounds of sunburned white person flesh (somehow, more than you've ever seen at a Wet 'n Wild, even though I know that seems physically impossible), a few Bronies, and for some unknown reason (read: boobs), mermaids.

I can't go back to the Scarborough Fair again -- something about kicking a Minotaur in the mystical beast nuts ("Fantasy animals aren't period-appropriate!!") -- but you should. It's open weekends through May 26th and tickets are just $22 per adult. (That translates roughly to 50 gold coins or a solid blowjobbe.)

When you go, here's how to be the perfect Scarborough asshole:

1. Shitty British Accent For No Reason. Everyone hates it! So definitely do it. Louder = better. Also, it's imperative that you continue to weave in current slang phrases such as, "LOL," "bae," "I'mma." Example sentence: "I'mma retire to ye olde booze shoppe, y'all!" And if you can, make sure to point out every hour or so that you're saying "realise" and not "realize."

2. Say "boobs" every time you see Renaissance cleave.

3. Dress as Joffrey from Game of Thrones, run around being a total dick all day, and poison yourself every hour on the half-hour. (Spoiler? Whatever. That news is a decade old to this crowd. You're just late to the nerd party.)

4. Ask every person you see in costume if "they're serious."

5. Go all Little Mermaid on someone's ass. Someone hands you a fork to help you cut up your steak-on-a-stake? You stab them in the eye with the fork and yell, "It's Fite Tyme!!" You see a mermaid wearing sunglasses, slap them off her face. See someone drinking a Dr Pepper ("the official beverage of the Scarborough Renaissance Festival") tell them they're bullshit. Someone's iPhone rings? You yell, "WITCHCRAFT!" and throw it into a fountain. Nobody can be mad at you: it's olden times code.

6. Twerke.

Have a lot of beer and a lot of beer at Scarborough Faire. And be sure to take a long hard look at your life choices when you sober up. That turkey leg was totally overpriced.

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16 comments
northrupr
northrupr

This is kinda funny, but more than kinda hateful. Is this the girl who moved to Austin, saying "Stay douchey, Dallas?" That girl couldn't handle reality here after a few dates with my friend Aric, had to go back to juvenile taco barista paradise. I'll be at yon Faire Mon's day, shameleth and merry, fake Engrif acphent, mead-sauced wifout embarrafthmint, where Chas the Insulter holds forth superior wordsmithing to this lass.

bee0
bee0

Surely Alice speaks of herself and the playtrons... and usually the "new" ones.  Being drunk assholes is easy, appreciating art, both hand made and performed takes a wee bit of class and maybe a bit of self control... Having attended faires; worked for someone at faires; and owned booths at faires, we have seen all kinds of people like Alice.  Disrespectful, immature, and certainly lacking in self control.  It's unfortunate she seems to think this is the way to promote herself, let alone support her community... many people find renaissance faires to be a fun place. I find her to be unhappy and ill equippt for humorous journalism.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

I think thou hast provoketh'd TheMinotaur whilst wryting thy wenchly journal!

TheMinotaur.
TheMinotaur.

You actually lucky to have one of the finest ren faire's in the country in your area. The performers work very hard on their characters, costumes, sword play and improv skills. 

I get that the rude brand of comedy you are doing here is your shtick.  Ha.  Good one.  But keep in mind, you are also hurting someone's business by degrading this show to your readers.   Maybe try to be funny while still being a bit responsible.

You're kind of being a bully here.

TheScott512
TheScott512

I have witnessed Alice sober at events like this.
I have witnessed Alice not sober at events like this.

#DrunkAlice > #SoberAlice

AliceLaussade
AliceLaussade

The witchcraft thing isn't even a joke. That shit happened to me. They threw my camera in the dirt. #wenchlife

PlanoDave
PlanoDave

Reading Alice after reading Shutze restores happiness and balance to my mind.


Thank you for your greatness and for being you!

realdeal
realdeal

@TheMinotaur. butthurt much? your faire has gone down hill for years now.i blame ownership.and go ahead and mouth off to me too.i happen to work for big media and im not the one you want to make mad.best in the country? no best in waxahachie  ,maybe

MikeO
MikeO

Way to go Minotaur! You've really got the spirit of the article down pat!

Have fun dressing up!

jackal1138
jackal1138

@AliceLaussade  It certainly wasn't an employee of the festival.... and I have never even heard of something like that happening.  Maybe at TRF. 

hotdogthatshit
hotdogthatshit

@realdeal @TheMinotaur."i happen to work for big media."  Oh did your mom get you that job or were you just there on bring your kid to work day.  Trying to threaten someone over the internet with "i happen to work for big media" is fucking laughable.  Learn how to be threatening.

realdeal
realdeal

@jackal1138 @AliceLaussade how can you assume to know who did this to this person,yes it was one of your people cause they did something similar to my wife and we will not go back because it was borderline sexual harassment,dont come on here tellin someone it was somewhere else,were not stupid

realdeal
realdeal

@jackal1138 well,really,because we reported it and the person is still there,so we turned around and walked out.i too am an ex employee and i know for  a fact ,you can get away with lot there ,cause its about ticket sales not the people coming to the show

jackal1138
jackal1138

@realdeal @jackal1138 @AliceLaussade  I know because I have worked there, and that sort of behavior would result in them NOT working there any longer.  And it is "we're", while we are talking about not being stupid.  Employees (stage performers, lanes performers/ cast, etc) have a badge they are required to wear at all times.  No badge equals no employee.  You can report this sort of thing to security and/or management very easily, and it will be handled, whether it be employee or park patron.  If you did NOT report it, then blame yourself, not the park.  Trust me.  The management takes this sort of thing VERY seriously.  They work hard to make their park family friendly.  Other Renaissance festivals... not so much.

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