Predicting 2014's Most Popular Baby Names with Science!

Categories: Alice Column

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Scoff if you want, but when civilization does collapse, your boy RAAAAARG!! will be bringing home possum -- hope it's possum -- to keep his family fed.
Recently, Time magazine published a baby-name predictor, developed with Chris Franck, an assistant research professor in statistics at Virginia Tech. Using a model that seems to be at the very least more accurate at generating results than The Dallas Morning News' Best Neighborhood Survey, Franck reports that Noah has unseated Jacob as the most popular boy's name, and Sophia remains the most popular girl's name.

I have developed my own baby name predictor, based solely on the names I've seen on the check-in sheets at my daughter's preschool, summer camps and the names I've heard mothers yell across playgrounds and soccer fields this year. I can tell you with great (scientific) confidence, that "Alexander" is an extremely popular current boy's name in the Dallas area. And he doesn't listen to shit.

Here are the top three boy and girl baby names that I predict are going to skyrocket in popularity in Dallas in 2014:

GIRLS
Jeff: Taking a boy's name, spelling it all jacked-up, and giving that new funk-ass name to a girl is so 2009. Now, we just stick with the dude name and slap it on a girl baby. Easy. Jeff will succeed at everything in her life. Especially Zumba.

Skittles: You might think this sounds like a fake stripper name, and you're exactly right. New trend: namin' babies after strippers. Skittles will become an Olympic gold medalist for the Russian gymnastics team.

Xtinalee: Take a famous celeb name, add "lee" to the end and high five yourself all the way to the Mickey Mouse Club. Variations: Beyoncelee, Mileylee, Ke$halee. This kid is confused her whole life. Her brow is permanently furrowed at 4 weeks old.

BOYS
Jernathon: Looking for a baby name that says, "Say that again?" and to a lesser extent, "Seriously?" Jernathon is perfect. Spoiler alert: He grows into a popped-collar Uptown douche rag by age 12.

Bob Bob: This modern take on the classic two-name first name is an instant showstopper. Bob Bob will fail first grade. Not because he's not smart -- because he's emotionally scarred by this shitty shit-ass name and to get back at you, he has decided to purposely fail every standardized test he will ever be given. "1+1 equals FUCK YOU, MOM!"

RAAAAARG!!: This is the perfect name to spruce up a kid who's stuck with a common last name, like Smith or Jones. If you go with this name, insist on the punctuation. Without punctuation, it's just your average all caps boy's name. RAAAARG!! will rule the world. Or land in juvi at 2 months old. Either way, he's destined to be hardcore awesome.


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7 comments
J_A_
J_A_

Jernathon is most definitely getting into Kung Fu Saloon

CheeryBitch
CheeryBitch

Throughout my kid's school, extracurricular activity and select league sport, I've never heard a Sophia. Where the hell are all the Sophias??? (Shady Pines, maybe?)

There is an extraordinarily high amount of Presleys (all girls), spelled every stupid way possible.

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