Preschool Owns You, and There's Nothing You Can Do

Categories: Alice Column

delkus.jpg
Is Pete Delkus part of a preschool-meteorologist conspiracy to drive parents insane? We're not saying yes; we're not saying no.
In preschool, they decide when school happens because they have you by the toddler balls. They don't follow a regular school calendar, because fuck you, they do what they want, this isn't real education yet. The "pre" in "preschool" does stand for "pretend," after all.

This isn't to say that your children aren't learning. Preschool is absolutely preparing your kid for real school, teaching them social skills and how to count and read and be good human beings and all that. It's necessary, even if it feels like it exists because you need your toddling, sticky-handed, Frozen-song-on-repeat-singing kids to go somewhere for four to six hours a day so that you have the patience to survive the Infant And Toddler Crying Face Off Everything's Wrong Hour, aka Dear God What Have I Done To My Life Minutes, aka Sweet Sally's Shit Show, known to the rest of the world as 6 p.m.

Plus, you have work to get done during the day. And since someone decided we're legally not allowed to carry children around with us in a zipped-up backpack all the time (even if you do adjust the straps on your body properly and pack snacks in there), we all needed another option. So, someone invented preschool.

But then they realized what an amazing invention they had. They realized they could charge whatever they wanted for it. They realized they could come to work whenever they wanted to, or didn't want to: They just had to make up the right holidays for it. "Welp, looks like there's no school Friday, in observance of National Grated Cheese Day."

And then there are the snow days that we take off of school because of one snowflake. I'm convinced that Pete Delkus and preschool are working together to forecast these pretend storms just to keep kids out of school. "How was your snow day!" they all ask, in a singsong Caillou-happy voice. IT WAS GREAT PLEASE TAKE MY CHILD BACK. I HAD AN EIGHT-HOUR NIGHTMARE THAT "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT" WAS PLAYING ON REPEAT AND I COULDN'T WAKE UP AND THEN I REALIZED IT WAS 4 P.M. AND I WAS NOT ASLEEP MAKE IT STOP.

Hug your teachers. Pay them more. And always remember: If we were forced to be around our wonderful children all day, every day, until they were 18, the human race would surely become extinct, and the robot preschool that remained would probably take a month or so off, in observance.


Advertisement

My Voice Nation Help
9 comments
missbrownbird
missbrownbird

Awesome write up! Spot on! (I can vouch, my critter is 5)

oodarkroom
oodarkroom

@scottsmerkin

Really? I hate to disappoint you, but I only drive a 4 seater car, that's all I ever had. My children are now grown, all are college grads. I didn't pop pills, nor did I have vodka stashed all over the house, sorry to ruin your vision.

Yeah, I've read Alice's work before and have been amused by some of it. This just didn't strike me as funny or true.

oodarkroom
oodarkroom

Gee Alice, I stayed at home with all three of my children and I loved being around them 24-7. Don't assume everyone is like you.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@oodarkroom  oh sorry, but it was ironic that you told her not to assume everyone was like her.  Well no shit, and that applies to you too.  did she ever say, EVERY KID AND MOM IS JUST LIKE HER?

TLS1
TLS1

@oodarkroom  You're a true narcissist if you think everything written has to apply to you.  

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@oodarkroom  have you never read an Alice story before?  Fuck, I hate to see what you think of her Elf on Shelf entry.  


Also, fuck you for being a stay at home mom, dont assume everyone is like you.  Lemme guess you drive 7 seat over sized SUV, pop pills to get through the day, and have an endless supply of Vodka stashed in various rooms throughout the house

oodarkroom
oodarkroom

Thanks, I usually don't comment, much less reply, as I really don't care what others think of my opinion.

Alice implied that everyone was like her when she, sarcastically, or not, stated that the human race would become extinct without preschool.

I'm out of here- defend this article all you want- I don't find it worth any more of my time.

Now Trending

Dallas Concert Tickets

Around The Web

From the Vault

 

General

Health & Beauty

Loading...