6 People To Avoid at the Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade
Stephen Masker What an asshole. Get it? Because asshole? Yeah, you get it. Asshole.
This Saturday, more than 125,000 people will stuff themselves into Greenville Avenue's taint to celebrate St. Patrick's Day exactly as one would in Ireland: with a beads parade, corn dogs and green beer. At 11 a.m., the 35th Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade will puke all-green-errything upon Blackwell Street and Greenville Avenue. You'll be there. Because it will be amazing. And in an effort to make your St. Patrick's-ing the most fun that it could possibly be, here's a list of people you should avoid while you're there.
1) Your Wasted Coworkers
Stephen Masker So many regrettable stories. Hanging out with your coworkers here only ends in bad.
If you're doing this parade right, your brain's only recollection of your time here will be a 30-second Ken Burns-style photo slideshow of regrets. For this reason, you should never attend this parade with coworkers. If you happen to see coworkers in the crowd, hide from them behind someone's giant green cowboy hat.
Stephen Masker Children are The Worst.
You are too drunk to be around children. You mustn't vomit on them. It's not their fault they're here. At some point, a parent said, "Wouldn't it be fun and appropriate to take the kids to the Greenville parade?" And nobody was around to say, "Fuck no, it most certainly would not."
3) The Two-Headed Girl Group Photo Monster
Stephen Masker The two-headed chick photo monster will eat your face and make you watch.
Stay away from any girls who are near cameras. Remember: girls + camera = NO. The danger is not the individual ingredients, but the combination of the two.
Two girls can stand next to each other perfectly fine, and then WHAM. If a camera shows up, their heads fuse together and they become a fake-smiling machine that will steal your soul if you make direct eye contact.