6 People To Avoid at the Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade

Categories: Lists

stpattysass.jpg
Stephen Masker
What an asshole. Get it? Because asshole? Yeah, you get it. Asshole.

This Saturday, more than 125,000 people will stuff themselves into Greenville Avenue's taint to celebrate St. Patrick's Day exactly as one would in Ireland: with a beads parade, corn dogs and green beer. At 11 a.m., the 35th Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade will puke all-green-errything upon Blackwell Street and Greenville Avenue. You'll be there. Because it will be amazing. And in an effort to make your St. Patrick's-ing the most fun that it could possibly be, here's a list of people you should avoid while you're there.

1) Your Wasted Coworkers

stpattysmoms.jpg
Stephen Masker
So many regrettable stories. Hanging out with your coworkers here only ends in bad.

If you're doing this parade right, your brain's only recollection of your time here will be a 30-second Ken Burns-style photo slideshow of regrets. For this reason, you should never attend this parade with coworkers. If you happen to see coworkers in the crowd, hide from them behind someone's giant green cowboy hat.

2) Children

stpattyskids.jpg
Stephen Masker
Children are The Worst.

You are too drunk to be around children. You mustn't vomit on them. It's not their fault they're here. At some point, a parent said, "Wouldn't it be fun and appropriate to take the kids to the Greenville parade?" And nobody was around to say, "Fuck no, it most certainly would not."

3) The Two-Headed Girl Group Photo Monster

stpattysdaygroup.jpg
Stephen Masker
The two-headed chick photo monster will eat your face and make you watch.

Stay away from any girls who are near cameras. Remember: girls + camera = NO. The danger is not the individual ingredients, but the combination of the two.
Two girls can stand next to each other perfectly fine, and then WHAM. If a camera shows up, their heads fuse together and they become a fake-smiling machine that will steal your soul if you make direct eye contact.


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10 comments
CheeryBitch
CheeryBitch

Most of these groups are tolerable. Children at the parade, however, are not. Also, I'm surprised a few blocks or parking lots haven't 'gone Dallas' by going tickets "VIP" only.

Mervis_Earl
Mervis_Earl

Change the head line to 125,000 rather than 6 and then edit the story down to the first sentence.

kergo1spaceship
kergo1spaceship

What?  How about avoiding the 400 pound welfare mama, that will fight you for candy? 


It's funny, you can break the groups out by sections....the spring break retards are at Lower GVille, the section 8 crowd will be close to GVille and Park, and the "active participants" will be in the middle.  Both ends will be like Baghdad, under full siege. 

skiextreme
skiextreme

Thanks Alice, I really don't consider myself an Asshole. But, thats ok, as long as we all have fun. Richard

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

You really only need to go once. The fashions change slightly, year-to-year, but the people remain exactly the same.

mayorpringle
mayorpringle

Couldn't even make it through the first sentance without 1) LMAO and 2) asking myself, "Is this Laussade's work?"  Thanks, Alice!

GAA214
GAA214

Pure awesomeness.  Alice you're a bad bitch in a good way.

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