10 Dallas Dudes You've Probably Dated

Categories: Holiday

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Dating is the worst.
I was dicking around on the internet last week when known Valentine's Day scrooge the Houston Chronicle brought my attention to a national survey ranking Dallas as the seventhth most heartbroken city in America. Based on a foolproof algorithm of marriage rates, demand for dating services and surfing Instagram for sad people, the author of the "report" found us pretty unlucky in love.

I can't speak for the men of Dallas. But I know that for us women, the dating pool here can be shallow and well-stocked with bottom feeders. Here are 10 fish you have probably (hopefully) thrown back to sea.

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Stanton Stephens
Sorry, Gordon.

The $30,000 Millionaire
You are not allowed to pick me up in a BMW if you don't own a bed frame. You are not allowed to reserve us a two-bottle table if you don't have health insurance. You are not allowed to have a personal shopper and not own any dinnerware. Get your priorities together, man.

See also: Douchebags in the Mist: The Rise of the $30,000 Millionaire

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DEA

The Sketchy Rich Guy
He lives in a high rise, he does a lot of blow, you don't know how he got all that money, and you think it's better you don't. Three months later you're reading about him on Unfair Park and you're relieved that only lasted for a couple of crazy weekends. Plus, you probably got a little David Yurman out of it.

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The SMU Trust Fund Baby
One giant adult baby suffering from both entitlement issues and poor little rich boy syndrome at the same damn time. He's got a degree, though. He's on Tinder, too. He's the one wearing button-up polos and/or golfing in every picture.


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73 comments
longislandgreek
longislandgreek

Nothing on all us out of town transplants. Some of my best boys are from Cali, and Boston I've met here since I moved here from NYC. Trust us ladies were here. We got all the taste,and none of the filler.

gordonhilgers
gordonhilgers

There seem to be several important aspects of strategy and tactics of the Great Silverbacks of Dallas you may have missed here:

1. Playing "Post Office". 

2. Semaphore,

3. Nautical positioning in bar rooms, restaurants, coffee shops, The Gap.  


4. Echolocation. 

5. Monkey see, monkey do. 

6. "The Outernationale" 

7. Secret languages and cryptography.

Women remember: Simple, straightforward conversation is FORBIDDEN.  Sitting, talking, walking-and-talking, conversing about mutual interests, also known as "the discovery phase" that precedes "litigation": These, at least among the Silverbacks, are far too civilized, as are the ever-so-dangerous "meeting of minds", the "touching of souls", the just plain "I like you", the sense of contacting someone from the heart, the good old "gut feeling": these are POISON AND ARE TO BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. 

Check the occupational, financial and--of course!--clothing brands. 

Remember: shoot first, ask questions later.  And also, while "sampling" is far different from "choosing", there are a variety of realms within the human purview, scope and range that could also be sampled--but why bother?  A good man is hard to find, but if you want to stay stuck on Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical", all I can say is, "Best of luck!"  Nothing quite like getting latched-onto some woodchuck with great abs but has absolutely no understanding that sometimes the very best part of conversation is its stimulative properties and that the very best sex often comes as an afterthought of that oddly next-to-impossible-to-find person who knows quite well that there indeed is middle ground between,say, "look before you leap" and "he who hesitates is lost". 

RageBot
RageBot

Isn't this more an indictment of Dallas women?

shadowmaster000
shadowmaster000

Haha, I like the DJ one. I guess this is why me "A DJ" had better luck dating when I was living in Atlanta and Miami. Good thing I don't have to worry about that anymore. Good luck everyone, and can a male do one on the women of Dallas? That list might be too big, hahaha!!!

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Uh oh, Gordo ranting about using his photo!  here comes some P1 page views

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Where is the 10 Dallas Money Hungry Whores list?

adamaanderson1
adamaanderson1

I'm not on here because the females in Dallas are wack! 

JOHN0111999
JOHN0111999

I can't believe you went out, and slept with all these types of guys to write an article that no one cares about.  Your research is extensive!  Whoring for the job.  That's some dedication.  Go slut, GO!

AdamsonScott
AdamsonScott

So much for the Observer being an "alternative" newspaper - this is totally written from a heterosexual female viewpoint.

bvckvs
bvckvs topcommenter

This is a fine example of the "self-fulfilling prophecy".  If you're all into raging about how many kinds of bad people you hang out with, it will repel good people.


mcm97
mcm97

You forgot one:  The guy that's "closing deals" at happy hour and on the weekend at clubs and is constantly on his phone "talking to and texting clients".  3-2 odds he lives at home in the mid cities too.  

Oxtail
Oxtail

"10 Dallas Chicks You've Probably Dated:"

1. The needy nutcase.

2. The needy nutcase.

3.The needy nutcase.

4. The needy nutcase.

5. The needy nutcase.

6. The needy nutcase.

7 The independent nutcase.

8. The Bravo Channel wannabe. 

9.The jaded man hater.

10. The psycho who leaves dead animals at your door.

master8885
master8885

Girls think the pussy hound is hot...you know you do because he's got game

J_A_
J_A_ topcommenter

I LOL'd at Rangers Fan dude. This is hilarious.

looptwelve
looptwelve

Sounds like you go out in uptown, downtown or Henderson far too much. Lookin' for love in all the wrong places, sweetheart.

LizTaylorOfLakewood
LizTaylorOfLakewood

The list includes several of my ex husbands. Girls, tattoo this list to your ass. You'll thank Vanessa, later.

gordonhilgers
gordonhilgers

I forgot: sports.  There are two kinds of sports: The activities many of us tend to watch on television or listen to on the radio, and if by some crazy chance a woman who finds a man willing to shell-out the essentially $33,696.961.03 billion it now costs to sit in an uncomfortable chair and watch people do stuff like THOW BALL, and GET BALL IN BASKET, by all means, go for that like a hog on ice. 

The other kind of sport is the kind of guy who is, well, "a sport", otherwise known as "zombie", "stand-in", "humanikin" and other secret names. 

Also: remember that "cupid" rhymes with "stupid" and that for men at least the "triangular kitten arrow" is by far the best. 

longislandgreek
longislandgreek

We affectionately call them sharks. They smell money, and come in for the kill. You can find this type hanging out at Sfuzzis, during the Byron Nelson, or any patio in uptown.

taylorfelter
taylorfelter

You obviously have some issues and/or guilt about the content in this article. Believe it or not, women have just as valid of an opinion of males, as males do females- woah, the world still turns! Observation doesn't necessarily mean experience, and your comment comes across as trite and immature. Bye, Felicia

gavin.cleaver
gavin.cleaver moderator

@JOHN0111999  I'm going to guess "SMU Trust Fund" with a side of generic misogyny.

Rusticle
Rusticle

@AdamsonScott  God forbid they write an article that appeals to a large percent of their demographic. Those cis white facists.

ricktown
ricktown

@AdamsonScott  so heterosexual viewpoints are unwelcome in alternative media? No tolerance there?

master8885
master8885

@amy.silverstein @master8885  this pussy hound only hits on 9s and 10s. About 90% of 9 & 10 women do not know how to hold a conversation or play games so I go onto another one. That's game. A chump, would stay and buy the non responsive ones drinks. That's probably what you advocate, is a guy wasting his time trying to please one woman at a bar.  Perhaps you like the free drinks...errrr..i mean "picky" guys...

GatoCat
GatoCat

@gavin.cleaver @GatoCat  I'm far removed from that scene, being 60 and happily monogamous. However, spending "a couple of crazy weekends" with a guy who "does a lot of blow" doesn't smack (heh heh) of wallflower observation.

gavin.cleaver
gavin.cleaver moderator

@GatoCat @gavin.cleaver  Well, the idea that you can't understand a man until you've had sex with him would make for some interesting encounters with your guy friends, for example.

master8885
master8885

@Ratatat  you need to start pulling out the mom jokes along with your wallet tonight. next..!

master8885
master8885

@Ratatat  he said your smooth anus was much more tighter than mine but you need to work on your salad tossing.

Ratatat
Ratatat

@master8885

Say, did your dad beat you before or after he made you touch it?

master8885
master8885

@Ratatat @master8885  I'm sure the only phone calls you get are from creditors that demand you pay off the VISA you used to buy girls $20 drinks. ..and you thought you were moving & shaking ...

Ratatat
Ratatat

@master8885


I'm not sure what's wrong with you, but I bet it covers several pages in the DSM V.

master8885
master8885

@bigjondaniel @master8885  Little Jon...yeah keep kissing their asses, see where that gets you.  Bernie Madoff is intelligent too, look where it got him. Modern day hot women neither have logic or common sense. Name one that does; the bikin models you "LIKE" on fakebook don't count.  have fun being a beta male your whole life.

bigjondaniel
bigjondaniel

@master8885  The idea that pretty girls aren't smart is laughable. It means you only have game with women you are not intimidated by

Ratatat
Ratatat

@master8885  

The only ten you're hitting is when you try to use both hands.

master8885
master8885

@Poshicles @master8885  I call it as I see it. She wears the multiple ex husband badge like it's an honor. I've nailed about 20 single mothers in the past few years, not at all bitter, keep them coming. I love them as my temporary fixes.

Poshicles
Poshicles

@master8885  Why are you so angry? Just let the Fakebook models and Liz Taylors of the world deal with their own problems. Someone doesn't have to be a perfect role model to have said something legit and meaningful in their life. You sound very bitter.  

master8885
master8885

@LizTaylorOfLakeLavon @master8885  there's a role model for little girls; Elizabeth Taylor; 8 marriages. You might as well quote Marylin Monroe (dead @ 27 from overdosing and vodka ) There's your problem right there, just like so called Fakebook models, Hollyweird actors are your role models. Hollyweird actors and reality show attention whores make money and dupes like you emulate them in public.

LizTaylorOfLakeLavon
LizTaylorOfLakeLavon

@master8885


"One problem with people who have no vices, is that they're pretty sure to have some annoying virtues." 

Elizabeth Taylor.


master8885
master8885

@DanciePants @master8885 @LizTaylorOfLakewood  you're a single mother, "hear me roar, I am a modern day woman....!!!" wow ... I'm sure you;re on Plenty of Fish, with a profile expecting a great guy with a good job to love you after you've been married 4 times with 5 kids from 3 of the different Daddys.  Here's something for ya, you'll be on there for a long time.

master8885
master8885

@DanciePants @master8885 @LizTaylorOfLakewood   no I have a closed wallet, specially designed for single mothers, multiple kids, multiple husbands who are broken in the bank account and in the head.

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