10 Dallas Holiday Dates for Freaks, Weirdos and Outcasts

Photo by Danny Hurley
Aren't you curious who's going on "traditional" holiday dates? A Christmas Carol isn't sexy. Nobody gets laid after The Nutcracker. And who wants to drive through holiday lights together? All of the traffic really impedes the drinking and making out and hand-jays, which are your primary goals.

Don't wait until the crap holiday programming melts away to ask someone out. This is Dallas: For every boring, wholesome surface event you see on Guidelive, there's a dozen freaky things happening underground. That's where we come in.

Let the Observer be your eggnog-spiking wingman with these 10 holiday dates, custom-built for godless hornball weirdos like you.

1. Get Stoned and Visit the George W. Bush Presidential Center. (Attempt to Buy a Christmas Ornament, Get Denied.)
Warning: DO NOT go to the Bush Center sober. That's a rookie move, reserved for people in sweater sets and sensible shoes. For this date you'll both show up goofballed out of your minds and dressed crazy. Then you'll awkwardly pay entry from your Coinstar sock.

That's your right as an American.

The crown jewel of this outing isn't the formal presidential splendor, it's locating Dubya's holiday ornament, a true work of craftsmanship selling for the oh, so reasonable price of $29.95.

Since your eyes will be redder than Georgie's cardinal, expect friction from security. Especially when you insist on paying in nickles.


2. Ice Skate, While Re-creating that Scene from Rocky
There's a lot of winter junk that we don't have to mess with in North Texas, like snow chains. Mention them in Dallas and people think you're talking about a hot new rapper.

But we still get winter's perks because we're Texans, a defiant breed that builds structures antithetical to both logic and temperature. For that reason, you can go ice skating in shorts here. No problem.

Fort Worth's Coyote Drive-In spent close to 100K for its seasonal rink, so take the Rocky to your Adrian and go recreate that Body/Brains scene. Then, make out in a back seat when you should be watching a movie.


3. Everything is Terrible! Holiday Special
Scripture states that someone shoved mescalin fruitcake into the manger's VHS player and nine months later the Everything is Terrible! Holiday Special was born. Now, let us all give thanks.

This Chicago-based video blog tours its tripped-out seasonal offering through Dallas on December 18. Go check it out at Texas Theatre, where EIT hosts weave you through the cinematic debris. It's weird, freaky and more fun than Dumpster diving for discarded inflatables. Take your wrong-eyed sweetheart. (Bonus dare: End your night at Tradewinds.)


Zombie Manor Brings an Evil Nutcracker
Looks pretty cheerful.
4. Run from Brain-Eating Elves at Three Local Haunted Houses
It isn't the holidays until you sign a liability waiver. Dallas has a dedicated subculture of gore fetishists who would offer haunted attractions for Mother's Day if demand met supply. Three of those haunts open the weekend of December 13 and 14.

Zombie Manor is doing an all-Nutcracker theme, promising delicious decapitation by enraged gingerbread men and sugarplum fairies. It's NightScare Before Christmas at Moxley Manor, which promises all of October's peril, but with more tinsel. Dark Hour Haunted House pledges a "winter theme," that weekend, so brace yourself for whatever that means.


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FIVE burlesque troupes are doing shows this month - don't forget about Lollie Bombs Burlesque and Broads & Panties!


@haddad54321 So. Much. Burlesque. I'll add 'em in, and feel free to keep in touch with us about those events. Jamie.Laughlin@dallasobserver.com

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