Why Is Your Baby Crying? He's Just Being a Dick, Probably.

Categories: Alice Column

Baby_yelling.jpg
Dave Buchwald/Wikimedia Commons
Yeah, he's just screwin' with you.
Is your infant crying? Of course it is. But the harder question to answer is "Why the hell is this baby crying?" If you've asked the Internet to help you, I'm sure you're already at the emergency room. But if you're looking for at-home solutions to your crying baby person, here's a helpful guide to help you decode what your baby is trying to tell you and tips for how to solve the problem, so that you don't feel like such a shitty parent.

The "I Crapped Myself And It's Not Funny Anymore" Cry: Get that lazy baby a new diaper. Let him know that pants-crapping happens to the best of us, and it's something he should get used to now so that he's not bothered by it in college when it happens after he loses the Chicken Wing Chugathon.

The "Bitch, Where My Food?" Cry: Your baby is hungry. It is crying like it thinks it's going to die because it knows there is no possible way that there is any more food left on Planet Not A Womb. Feed it whatever you feed it. Pizza, beer -- whatever.

The Pathetic Whimper: Your baby is tired of looking at your dumb ass face. Get him someone else to look at.

The Sudden, Out of Nowhere, Holy Shit Cry: Your baby thinks you forgot to pay the cable bill, and that she's about to miss football this weekend. Reassure her that it's all squared away, and even if something went horribly wrong and the cable went out, you'd take her to the nearest bar to watch the game.

The Death Metal Primal Scream: Your baby is possessed by a demon. Call a priest and it'll all be sorted out within an hour and a half.

The Middle of the Nighttime Cry: Your baby isn't sad at all. He's just being a dick. This cry is a power move to show you who's boss. He'll probably make you change his diaper and laugh while you wipe his ass just to drive the point home.

The "You're a Horrible Parent, I Can't Believe You Gave Me to this Ass Clown" Cry: When you hand your baby over to a friend for a moment, she might start to cry. This is because she knows you're planning to leave her forever and she can smell that this new caregiver doesn't wash his hands after he pees. Take your baby back and tell your friend to practice better hygiene.


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2 comments
mdd0124
mdd0124

OMG. Best article ever.

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