Ten Reasons Dallas Zoo's Misbehaving Gorilla is Being Sent to South Carolina

Categories: Outside

"Screw all of y'all."
Patrick, the Dallas Zoo's star gorilla, has become something of a celeb among the primates in the same way that Russell Crowe and Mel Gibson found notoriety -- by acting like a massive tool.

Patrick hasn't been very friendly with other gorillas, especially females, thanks to an uncaring mother who neglected him after his birth at the Bronx Zoo. The zoo's vice president of animal operations, Lynn Kramer, also noted that he seems to prefer "to live a solitary life." Now they've taken action to deal with Patrick's moodiness and are dishing out a serious punishment on the pouty primate: They are sending him to South Carolina.

Somehow this is not considered animal cruelty.

The zoo announced Monday that Patrick is being moved to a zoo that has a great deal of success in dealing with animals with emotional and behavior problems. Dallas animal lovers, however, will get a chance to bid Patrick a fond farewell with reduced admission prices on September 28 and 29. One can only hope that Patrick will be able to peel away the causes of his raging depression and low self-esteem and evolve to a new level of happiness and acceptance.

In the meantime, we can only speculate on how badly an ape has to behave to be banished from Dallas. So Mixmaster speculated and came up with 10 likely reasons Patrick is being shipped out of state:

  • Had tantrum and threatened to shut down entire zoo unless management agreed to defund the sloth exhibit.

  • Kept dropping Breaking Bad spoilers into conversations with other gorillas he knew damned well hadn't had a chance to watch the previous night's episode yet.

  • Flung feces at Jerry Jones. Missed.

  • Was always judging the other animals' Spotify playlists

  • Fucked a zebra and never called.

  • Sometimes the Zoloft just stops working, you know?

  • Talked too much about better conditions at the Houston Zoo.

  • Refused to accept Jesus as his personal savior.

  • Lied about being born in New York. He's actually Canadian.

  • Was caught teaching orangutans to twerk.

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    My Voice Nation Help

    the "jabari incident" haunts him to this very day


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    just maybe he wants to be in the jungle instead of a side show


    I heard they got tired of his "pull my finger" routine.

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