Let's Play White Rock Lake Bingo

Categories: Alice Column

Summer's here and the time is right for hitting up White Rock lake but not -- and we mean this -- to swim in it. Oh, no no no. Instead, take this handy dandy bingo card with you and play along as you walk the trails around the lake. Watch out of those 10-speeds, though.

Dan Zettwoch
Click to embiggen
Here's a handy key to help you follow the action.

Double Stroller Mom: Blocks entire path. Her strapped-in kids are embarrassed;
Kid Flying Kite Across the Path: Invisible string of this doucher's kite hits just at the right height to clothesline bike riders and runners alike;
Death Wish Squirrel: So, so very tired of nuts;
Birdshit Cove: You know it when you smell it;
Slow As Fuck Ice Cream Truck: Driver is slowly going insane from hearing "Turkey in the Straw";
Full Kit Bike Guy:: He bought all the gear. It's matching. He would look cool if anyone could look cool in that much spandex;

13-Miler Zombies: There's a half marathon today. You should get out of its damn way
Grill Guy: Mmm. Raccoon has never smelled so delicious. Breathe in the wafts
Hell's Own Shitters: Lookin' for love? This is the really, really wrong place
Someone Fishing: No one can be that hungry; The White Rock Lake Hydra: Also known as a triathlete. You'd better hope he has enough GU to last through his entire workout. Otherwise, he will eat you
The Free Advice Guys: Those dudes out there on Sundays with the sign that says "free advice" who, shockingly, aren't Jesus-y. Or Yeezus-y; Mid-Dump Dog: What are you lookin' at?;
Flock of Parakeets: Regular openers for Flock of Seagulls. There's no reason they should be in that tree at the lake, but they are
Angry Runner/Angry Cyclist: Working out isn't fun. It's rageful. Why kindly say "On your left" when you could scream it directly into someone's earhole?; Selfie-er: Sits in the wildflowers after a five-second run, looking sweaty, flexing everything and taking a photo of himself. Instagram it, dude, stat; 500 mph Wind: No matter what time of year. No matter what day. At least one side of the lake will gail-force-wind your face off
Spillway Water Fountain Hogger Dragonlady: She brought 18 water bottles. She can't possibly fill them any slower
Old on a Bench: He's old. The bench is for him. He's sitting on it, like a boss
Flat Tire: Try not to point and laugh;
Mermen: They piss, smoke and talk shit about your Nikes in the lake all day long. For the love of God, don't swim in that
Mosquito Brothel: Mmm. That water has been standing there since 1992. Tons of hot, sweaty, mosquito-on-mosquito action up in there;
Horse Cop: Bustin' all the horses, y'all;
Power Walkers: They will cut a bitch. Watch your back.

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I hate to see what a version of Bachman Lake Bingo would look like. Watch out for the Mexican Chica Prostitute who is a really ugly guy. Watch out for the fake crack dealers who are armed with $40 pistols.

Tyler Satchwell
Tyler Satchwell

btw.. the Dallas Running Club (who does a lot of runs at White Rock), got an absolute kick out of this, good job :)


Compilation album of a late 70s/early 80s power-pop "critic's darling": This Doucher's Kite


Where's "Old Fat Guy Sweating Waaaay Too Much?"  I know there's more than one of me out there!


Also, engagement/quince/senior pictures photo shoot


@Tyler Satchwell You got to love the Dallas Running Club because when they hang out at the bar, they DRINK BEER and lots of it, except for the skinny as hell women runners who drink a little white wine spritzer and a small salad. Some of those starved as hell women even order water with a twist. Eat and drink something ladies.

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