Sex Ed the Alice Way: Four Tips for Keeping Your Teenage Daughter Boner-Free

Categories: Alice Column

katyperry.jpg
Katy Perry used headgear to make a statement, but for most girls the only thing headgear says is "Vagina closed until further notice." It says it in a British accent, too, which is weird.
Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

"A yeast infection looks like chicken noodle soup." In those eight words, my sex ed teacher at W.T. White High School taught me all I ever wanted to know about yeast infections. (That's the moment I became interested in food writing, too.)

My sex-ed teacher was a not-fucking-around track coach at WTW. At the beginning of each day of sex ed, he told us he was required by law to tell us that abstinence was the best policy. (That's still a thing. Check out the recent Observer cover story "Sex Ed the Texas Way," by Anna Merlan.)

See also:
Sex Ed the Texas Way

Meanwhile, "Sex and Candy" played on KDGE-FM 94.5 The Edge in a loop while my friends traded stories about how many times they'd done it in the Senior Courtyard (generously donated by the PTA).

Whether or not schools continue to teach abstinence, there will always be boners trying to put themselves into stuff. As a parent of a little girl, I know I must handle this very seriously (unless I'm hoping for her to have a reality-TV career at 16). And I'm not just talking about The Talk. I'm talking about setting your girl up with serious boner killers for every year of high school, just like my parents did for me:

Freshman year: Get your girl a jacked-up haircut. Freshman year, my mother took me to the hair salon and recommended that we "Go short!" I'm not saying a short haircut on some girls isn't cute. I'm saying that on me it was a headshot to the boner.

Sophomore year: A shitty, small car. Mine was a VW Beetle that couldn't go more than 50 mph. Any boner that got into this vehicle was so scared for its life that it turned itself into a vagina by the end of the trip.

Junior year: Braces or giant retainer or required daytime headgear (depending on severity of your kid's hotness). This option is more pricey, but my research has proven it to be extremely effective at boner deflection.

Senior year: "No, you can't go on the senior trip to Cancún." When she gets all 18 on you, say: "I'm sorry, sweetie. Cancún is a boner sea. You would be swimming in boners, and let's be real -- you're not the best swimmer when you're swimming in not-boners. I fear you might drown in Mexico's boner ocean."

If your kids are in DISD schools, they're likely to learn more about chicken noodle soup than they will about actual sex-type things. Nut up and talk to them about sex yourself -- and get them shitty haircuts just to be on the safe side.


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12 comments
Daniel
Daniel

Everybody's doing a brand new dance, now

Come on, baby, do the Boner Ocean

AnEmptyBox
AnEmptyBox

It's been a long time, but if I remember high school (which is dubious, at best...), none of that woulda mattered. If there was ever the remotest chance or slightest hint that a girl would have let me do something with my boner, I would have been interested. Single guys are not picky in high school. Or college. Or ever. However, as the father of a little girl myself, my plan is to not potty train her until she's 30. 

JustSaying
JustSaying

Your 4 step plan is horseshit if the girl is the slightest bit attractive to boys ahead of time. Pretty girls can pull off short hair. The car doesnt matter because most guys don't rely on the girl that they are pursuing for transportation. Braces junior year seems a bit late, but again its no deal breaker because everyone has had braces. It would take a scoliosis brace to make a guy lose interest. Lastly, a blocking a trip to Cancun is a good move but there are just as many hard boats seeking port at house parties, pool parties, and pasture parties that occur mulitple time per week in a Texas summer. So your sex ed class would lead to to a lot of young ladies sending audition reels to the producers of MTV's 16 and Pregnant.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

no cancun trip is the best one.  I didnt go when it was my senior trip, but a few years later when I was 24, I was there when a bunch of seniors were taking their trip, and holy fucking shit they were annoying as fuck drunk 18 year olds, and dirty old men were trying to bag the young girls.  

Nictacular
Nictacular

Oh, if you guys only knew how many girls drown in that Mexican Boner Ocean...

Jana Vidaurri
Jana Vidaurri

Omg...I almost spit my coffee out reading this. Lol.

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

Writing it down for future reference: bad haircuts, bad car, bad mouthgear...no senior trip! Thanks Alice, think we're set now!

Daniel
Daniel

I know you'll get to like it if you give it a chance now  

(Come on baby, do the Boner Ocean)

My little baby sister can do it with me

It's easier than learning your ABCs

So come on, come on, do

The Boner Ocean with me


You gotta swing your hips, now

Come on, baby

Jump up, jump back

Well, now, I think you've got the knack


Now that you can do it, let's make a chain, now

(Come on baby, do the Boner Ocean)

A chug-a chug-a motion like a railroad train, now

(Come on baby, do the Boner Ocean)

Do it nice and easy, now, don't lose control

A little bit of rhythm and a lot of soul

So come on, come on, do 

The Boner Ocean with me


Movin' 'round the floor in a Boner Ocean 

(Come on baby, do the Boner Ocean)

Do it holding hands if you get the notion

(Come on baby, do the Boner Ocean)


There's never been a dance that's so easy to do

It even makes you happy when you're feeling blue

So come on, come on, do 

The Boner Ocean with me 

markzero
markzero

@Nictacular for some reason this reminds me of Dwaine Caraway's "ocean price."

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