Drink it: Your Party Guide to Cinco de Mayo in Dallas
Do not fret, Dallas and surrounding burbs: The Observer used its highly advanced taco doppler technology to conduct predictive Cinco de Mayo party research. Our data shows that there is a 23 percent chance of hangover on Saturday, but that will increase throughout the weekend, culminating into a 90 percent probability on Monday morning, coupled with a strong likelihood of Phone-In-Sick precipitation. Consider wearing layers.
Now, let's party. I'll see you out there. (I'll be the one inexplicably yelling at the tequila.)
Cinco de Miler Dallas (Saturday) -- Get your workout in early on Saturday so you can have a guilt-free Sunday hangover, and do it in great company at Cinco de Miler, the only race in town that features mariachis cheering you toward the finish line. The goodie bag looks dope, all of the money raised goes to Ronald McDonald House and there's a post-race fiesta where your first beer, churro, chips and salsa and breakfast burritos are on the house.
Enchilada's Enchilada-eating Contest (Saturday) -- I hear there's a romantic tropical vacation going to the winner of this annual event. To be fair, the victor will probably require one if they want their spouse to see them as a sexual creature again, after vomiting enchilada goo all over the stage. You might still be able to register for this Greenville Avenue challenge. (try: firstname.lastname@example.org) The shake-down starts at 1 p.m.
Suckfest at the Grapevine (Saturday) -- While it's true that this isn't technically a Cinco de Mayo specific party, it is most wonderfully named party happening this weekend in Dallas. At Suckfest, a suggested $5 charitable donation at the door gets you free crawfish and barbecue, plus the Grapevine's unbelievably budget-savvy happy hour prices until 7 p.m. Possibly the most enticing thing about Suckfest is its "Jell-O shots for charity" component, which means children somewhere will suffer if you don't inhale that booze jiggle. Be a good human and take five for the team. The party runs until 2 a.m.