The Charmin Bears Must Die

Categories: Alice Column

Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

You were innocently watching crappy reality television when it happened. Something broke into your program and burned into your eyes the most destructive images. It was more horrifying than when you walked in on your parents doing sex on each other. More frightening than baby jeggings. More torturous than a Two and a Half Men marathon.

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Years later, the moment still haunts you. You're fine most of the time, but then a flash hits you and you see toilet paper pieces stuck to a cartoon bear's butt. Why is a bear using toilet paper?! And how is he accessing enough toilet paper to have a toilet paper preference, as these 30-second nightmares seem to insinuate? Is he stealing from campers? Does he have a bear day job? Did he fill out a bear W-2? If he claims zero dependents, will he get the maximum bear tax refund? Did he use cash or bear credit to pay for the toilet paper?

The Charmin Bears can never be unseen.

The worst part is, you sincerely thought it couldn't get worse than bear cling-ons. Surely, Charmin would have to stop running these ads after a year, right? You were so incredibly, woefully wrong.

The most recent ad shows a mother bear doing bear laundry (just like she should be, because that's a lady bear job). She discovers shit stains in her bear son's underwear. Which he apparently wears? Perhaps only to benefits and fancy occasions? In any case, you just saw a skid mark ad on the TV. SKID MARKS.

And these ads don't stop with just cartoon bears -- they knew how horrified you were by the blue-liquid toilet paper demo, so they kept that around, too. Fifteen seconds or so into the awfulness, they pour water on some toilet paper, which immediately leads you to projectile vomit on your television screen. If you could still make out what was happening on your television, you'd know some fucking sicko even added quarters to the demonstration to prove the incredible strength of this butt wipe. So, if you're shitting quarters, rest easy: Charmin holds a whole buck of pooped quarters, versus the leading brand, which holds only two shat bits.

The story line you're getting at this point is that bears shit money in houses that they live in somewhere in the woods, and they not only do laundry, but they also insist on using toilet paper to wipe their bear asses. Instead of buying Charmin, you intend to hunt down a magical, money-shitting bear to do your laundry. That is, if the nightmares ever stop. Please make them stop.


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11 comments
zenerebus
zenerebus

Bravo Alice... Bravo! I could not agree more. This falls simply falls under the category of things "You can't ever unsee".

The problem with the concept of bears using toilet paper in the first place is the not only the imagery it presents, but the simple usage of said product. Like if a bear has a problem resulting with the accumulation of TP stuck to his or her fur. The question should be "Why?". I mean I don't think the problem exists with strength of the TP you're using, but better yet... Don't you know where you're own a$$hole resides? I would think it would be somewhere in the region of you tail, just underneath it? Not however somewhere on your right or left but cheeks? And I'm not a bear and I know that...

Then the commercials progress into indoor situations, such as 'Skid Marks'? Yuck! Okay I'm done with that image. It's simple; "Do bears sh*t in the woods?" Answer: Is the Pope catholic?

A bear asks a rabbit if minds when poop gets on his fur while taking care of business in the woods? The rabbit says "No". The bear picks up the rabbit and wipes the sh*t off his own a$$ with the rabbit. Problem solved... Charmin crisis averted... Life's natural order is restored. : )

AncientWeirdo
AncientWeirdo

Hear hear! I've hated the Charmin bear commercials ever since the first one. In that monstrosity of a commercial, the bear sits down with his back to a tree trunk, apparently does his business, then wipes with Charmin. The commercial then cuts to the bear's face. The bear proceeded to smile from ear to ear. What I want to know is, how much pleasure is this bear getting from wiping his ass? I sure as hell don't get that happy when I'm wiping my ass. It just makes no sense. I hoped that they would drop the bear ad and use something else eventually, but I guess my hope was ill-placed...

Nairb Retseik
Nairb Retseik

I would really love to get drunk with Alice.

Seana O'Hare
Seana O'Hare

Just invite them to downtown Dallas for a day. There are no Public Restrooms ANYWHERE, and when the bears start shitting quarters on the sidewalk, the local accomodationally challenged citizens will deal with them with dispatch.

Guest
Guest

Oh my God, this made me literally laugh until I cried.  Every time I see one of these commercials, my head fills with questions.  Why would bears use toilet paper?  Why does the lady bear care how much toilet paper the man bear uses?  Why is the lady bear doing laundry when the bears clearly aren't wearing any clothes?  Why would a BEAR care if he had toilet paper stuck to his butt?  On a disgusting par with these commercials - that "Poop there it is" diaper commercial.  That's right, a graphic depiction of babies competing to see who can fill his diaper the most.

nammer
nammer

which advertising agency is responsible for this bullshit?

GavinCleaver
GavinCleaver

Have you seen their Twitter feed? It's genuinely amazing.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

And the little old ladies' toilet paper ad cartoon where they fret and kvetch about "lint" back there.  It took me awhile to figure out that "lint" is actually dingleberries.  Yech!

JustSaying
JustSaying

@Guest Thats a lot of questions to ponder over a godamned cartoon bear. I'm shocked that the dog that brings people Doritos to buy their silence didnt have you running to the police station to fill out a report.

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