My Lady Parts and I Have a Few Questions for the Makers of Bic For Her Pens

Categories: Alice Column

o-BIC-FOR-HER-COMMERCIAL-570.jpg
"My very own pen! What's next, the right to vote????"
Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

Dearest Bic For Her ...

I heard about your pens, specifically branded for women, a while ago. Before I spend my woman money on the pink and purple pens you have labeled "For Her," I have a few questions:

1. How did you know that I love the color pink, and to a lesser extent, the color purple? Is it because I'm a woman?

2. What makes your pens better for women than they are for cats? (It's gotta be the flower designs. Which I find myself immediately drawn to. As a woman.)

3. How long do I leave the Bic For Her inside my woman vagina?

See also:
- Oh, Michaels, How I Love Your Crafty, Beautiful Piles O' Crap
- A Modest Proposal to Save Valley View Mall, Starting with a Bounce-House Bar for Adults

4. When will you be coming out with a line of Bic Pens For Him? My husband would like to use a pen.

5. The Bic For Him will have cartoon penises all over it, right? Maybe you could call it the Bic For Dicks instead. As a woman, I'm going to go write that idea down in my lady journal with my lady pen. You don't even have to pay me less than you would pay a man for giving you that idea.

6. When will Paper For Her be released? As a woman, I've just been writing on my hands.

7. What about Beer For Her?

8. Pencils For Her? I'd love it if my lady writings could be a little less permanent.

9. If my Bic For Her runs out of ink while I'm doing my taxes, are my taxes done?

10. I left the Bic For Her to babysit my daughter, and when I came home the walls were covered with scribbles. What the hell?

11. I saw a Stranger Woman using a regular pen, and I slapped it out of her hands. She got mad. Was it her time of the month?

12. Where is the secret compartment in the Bic For Her that holds my thoughts and opinions, so that I don't accidentally share those publicly?

13. If I use my Bic For Her to write a strongly worded letter to my Congressman, will he understand it?

14. I asked my Bic For Her if I looked fat in my jeans, and it just sat there, silent. Can you make the next Bic For Her pens less bitchy?

15. This pen is designed for a woman's hands. What if I (spoiler alert) have man hands?

16. I have reason to believe that my Bic For Her is talking shit about me to my friends. How do I let her know that isn't cool? Should I write a letter to her, with her?

17. I've seen other pink pens on the market before that are regularly priced and not labeled "For Her." I'm not allowed to use those, right?

18. How many people had to approve this idea before it went to market? Can I please, please, please see the market research that your team used to sell this idea to you?

Hearts,

Alice

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30 comments
hollyzo
hollyzo

Too bad this is about 2 years too late. 

PerryMoore
PerryMoore

Bic for Her, because you ladies like to keep your diaries. No Bic for Him, because the focus group said that guys just want a pencil that writes now, without having to make priming squiggles, even if they have to use a pink one.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

This shit fucking drives me insane, we start it before birth by buying either blue or pink shit so that fuggin idiots you dont even give a shit about can properly identify the sex of your kid when out in public.  Im just glad we went with multiple colors, that way you all and my kid can blame me if he ends up gay bc I didnt let him identify with the right gender colors. FUCK

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

7. What about Beer For Her?

Let me address this one Alice, that's easy enough to rectify..you can grab yourself one while you're grabbing mine.

Guesty
Guesty

Did the pressure of having to write something on a regular basis get to you and cause you to retread a two-year-old post from Jezebel?  I might have been inclined to let it pass, were it not for this:  "Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit."    

sherilenoir
sherilenoir

clearly this item isn't marketed to you- they are developing a 'bic for the worldly and jaded' it comes in black and acid green, writes your pithy comments and sarcasm.

Jenn Hoff
Jenn Hoff

greatness. Absolute greatness.

CheeryBitch
CheeryBitch

What happens to a man if he accidentally uses a Bic for Her pen? Will he start dotting his "i's" with hearts?

joyfulunwisdom
joyfulunwisdom

This is one of the funniest articles I've read in a really long time. Who knew a woman could be so funny? Must be some new women funny classes or something!

TXsinglemom
TXsinglemom

Does the Bic for Her get PMS? Also will it finally allow women to break the glass ceiling. We are LEANING IN!

selena.burke
selena.burke

I want to know if the lady pen holds tampons. That would be super stellar.

jonfromtjs
jonfromtjs

Justin Timberlake gives ladies Bic In A Box for all special holidays.

AliceLaussade
AliceLaussade

Did Jezebel answer #3? I really just need to know the answer to that one and #18, honestly. Please hurry.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

@Guesty umm you read Jezebel, i believe we can now put all of your comments in context.

Guesty
Guesty

@ScottsMerkin @Guesty What context would that be?  I guess you could be focusing on the word "read", which might distinguish me from most as being functionally literate.  

But if you must know, I learned of the Jezebel story the same way tens of thousands of other people did, through followup coverage by other news and social media.  See, e.g., Forbes.  That's what made the ripoff so blatant.  The Jezebel story generated a lot of coverage two years ago.       

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