Who Else Wants to Punch Allergies in the Junk?

Categories: Alice Column

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Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

Allergies are total assholes. They're bigger assholes than cheap tacos that look all delicious and then taste like dump. They're bigger assholes than Les Misérables the movie, which was an asshole filled with assholes and you know it.

It's time for us to kick the asses of all allergies. From small, jerk-off seasonal allergies like pollen all the way to food allergies, which are some of the biggest bunch of duckshit dicksack junkhole allergies you'll ever encounter.

In fact, let me take a moment to chastise some of you food allergies personally. I'm starting with you, Peanut Allergy. You, sir, are a real bastard. A PB&J is something every kid should be allowed to love. No almond butter and J. AB&J sounds like an invitation to something awful. Because it is. Getting an almond butter and jelly sandwich when you're expecting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is like getting a boob massage from your uncle when you were expecting a PB&J.

And the peanut allergy affects all the kids at school, not just the ones who have peanut allergies. Nobody can pack peanut butter in lunches now, because Peanut Allergy is such a wad, if a kid with a peanut allergy snags some peanut butter from another kid's lunch, really horrible awful things happen. So, now we're all crying into our hands giving our kids cheese and Miracle Whip sandwiches for lunch and we're like, "I'm so, so, sorry, sweetie -- it's Peanut Allergy's fault."

See also:
Please Don't Mess With Big Tex

Shellfish allergies can also suck all of it. Why would you take away the joy of lobster? I don't care how sweetly Sebastian sang to Ariel, that dude's claws were uhmaaaazing. Whoever invented the shellfish allergy should be forced to sit through one entire episode of the Fresh Beat Band. That'll be enough for the inventor to regret everything about being alive.

And gluten allergies? Super Mega Hans Gruber Assholes. No, I don't want a gluten-free cookie. Nobody wants that. Not even people with gluten allergies. If you asked someone with a gluten allergy whether they'd prefer 1) a gluten-free cookie or 2) not fucking being allergic to gluten, they'd choose 2 every time. I hope someone egg-farts on you until you die, Gluten Allergy.

So, how are we going to stop all the allergies? Screw You Allergies Walks all over the world. We'll raise a bunch of money and then we'll use that money to create machines that will punch allergies in their sensitive parts. Then they'll go away. Science.


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7 comments
Dedub
Dedub

How come we didn't have peanut allergies back in the day?  Did kids just drop dead and we didn't know why?  Or are they genetically weaker now because of the Internet?

1dailyreader
1dailyreader

And speaking of egg farts,  I've had to do without breakfast for the past few weeks because of my sniffles and sneezes.  I could go ahead and blast 'em out at work but I do have a little compassion for my co-workers even though they try to seat fart and think no one hears them.  I'm  glad they're a good distance away from me and down wind.  My seasonal allergies believe in sticking around for all seasons.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

@1dailyreader "Do without breakfast because of sniffles and sneezes"?????  That's exactly when you SHOULD be eating a healthy, vitamin-rich breakfast.  [Myrna slides the reader a delicious breakfast burrito and orange juice]

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