Oh, Michaels, How I Love Your Crafty, Beautiful Piles O' Crap

Categories: Alice Column

Between writing profanity laced blog posts, Alice relaxes with crafts. No, we don't know why those are boobs, and we're a little afraid to ask.
Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

As you walk up to the magic sliding doors of Michaels, you wonder two things: 1) Why is there no apostrophe in the name of this store? Is this dude's name plural? Or is this a store that only sells Michaels? and 2) FOAM BEER COOZIES FOR A DOLLAR?!?!?

You then grab 800 beer coozies, which you plan to decorate with Sharpie markers. Michaels has already taken your sanity, and you're not even in the front door yet. Turn back? It's already much too late for that.

A minute ago, you would have thought a wreath of plastic baby doll baby faces was a weird idea for a baby shower gift. But after three minutes in Michaels, your brain starts telling you it might make sense to buy the $400 worth of supplies to DIY the shit out of that baby-head welcome wreath. "I'm definitely gonna need more heads. And No. 18 green floral wire." Dammit, you love Michaels.

You came here searching for poster board, a hot glue gun, six feather boas and glitter. Who knows what it's for. Doesn't matter. You're not leaving the store with half of that stuff anyway. You will either get too distracted by the aisle of glitter stickers that exists solely because glitter stickers are soccer-mom cocaine ("I need my fucking unicorn starship stickers!") or you'll never be able to find what you're looking for because the store's layout was designed by a 2-year-old.

A sales associate will now approach you and tell you a too-personal story about tuna fish.

Michaels is the worst hoarder you know. Even worse than that lady with more than 90 cats from that one episode of Hoarders.

Oh, you're in the yarn aisle. Why are you staring at yarn? What did you need again? Was it yarn? Crap, what time is it?

You need to pee. Better to hold it because you absolutely must avoid the Michaels bathroom: a black hole of fear where all the scrapbookers go to dump. Always smells like Tinkerbell shits, regret and Modge Podge.

Tell you one thing you're definitely leaving Michaels with: a piece of shit that was on clearance. "It was on clearance," you'll explain to your disgusted friends. Out of its natural habitat and in your own home, the piece of shit reveals itself as being much shittier than you remembered it. "I'll just spray paint it," you'll say, pretending that will make it better. Now you need spray paint. And the poster board you forgot. Gotta go back. Shit.

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Ambelleina Warwillow
Ambelleina Warwillow

Darn Michael's on Greenville, taking all my money with it's trashy non-organization and employees who know nothing about crafting!

Stan Macabare
Stan Macabare

opened the story looking for foam beer koozies in the shape of boobies

ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Have not been into a Michaels since I was in middle school and probably wont go in one until my boy is in school.  But from what I remember, yeah those fucking aisles never made sense.  Oh and Fuck my Tom thumb for re-arranging the whole fucking store in the last month.  What should have taken 20 minutes to shop for my groceries took over 50 minutes, I need some bbq, where the fuck is Cleaver at

Heather Goolsby
Heather Goolsby

Erica Sasspants Ryan... Sounds plausible to me and it may have happened once or twice :P

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

Alice, honey, I had you pegged as a much younger woman.


I'm glad I'm not the only one bothered by the lack of apostrophe. For fucks' sake.


Shopping at Michaels hurts my brain.  You're right...the layout is insane.  I swear the aisles change while shopping.  I try to go only once a year when I need the giant tri-fold board for the annual science project.  So one time I thought I would be smart and buy several science boards to keep on hand for the next year.  Then my kids stopped having science projects so guess what I have a bunch of?

I also never have the 40% off one item coupon that everyone else in the store has so I feel like an idiot at the ONE checkout they have open.


@TLS1 They're probably deliberately placed in order to get you lost, so that you have to pass by more things that you might impulse-buy.

Oh, also, if you have a smartphone, get the Michaels and Jo-Ann's apps. Now you're not without coupons.


@markzero @TLS1 Yep, the smartphone app, there's always a 40% or a 50% off coupon. I use them to buy bulk packages of paints or canvases and save a TON of money.


@McGee1  @markzero 

Thanks!  Now you know I'm an old since I don't even consider there would be coupons on an app.  

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