A Drinking Game of Thrones, In Honor of Sunday's Televisual Dragon Party
Everyone's favorite ultra-budget dragon tease mega-series returns for its third season on Sunday night. This season's Game of Thrones promises not only dragons larger than one foot tall, but also more strife, pain, and misery than you can shake a Heart Eater at. We've constructed a drinking game in its honor. I would opt for a light mead. Not wildfire.
"Yes, yes, I know: Winter is coming."
Will Daenerys actually make it across the sea? Will she ever find another ponytailed macho dude who can stack up to her Moon and Stars? Exactly how bad an idea was releasing Jaime Lannister? Is there a less likeable duo in all of televisual history than Cersei and Joffrey? Exactly how many spelling mistakes have I made typing all these names? Will George R.R. Martin actually finish writing the books before age catches up with him?
Alright, I'm out of questions. Here's a drinking game that will probably leave you like Sean Bean in any movie or TV show he participates in - dead. Pick and choose your favorite rules to construct your own, or just go at it like Tyrion at a banquet.
Drink for every time you wish Joffrey were dead. Not just a bit dead, but really, super, ultra-dead. Finish your drink in celebration if he actually dies.
Drink for every time Littlefinger obsesses over Caitlin or one of her family. For God's sakes Littlefinger. Go back to running Baltimore.
Drink twice for boobies, finish your drink if it's the boobies of a character you can name.
Drink throughout every amazing huge battle of awesomeness. We are owed so many of these battles.
One drink per ice zombie.
Drink for every time one lavishly constructed set has had more money spent on it than the entire season's budget of Louie.
Drink every time Tyrion is mindbogglingly awesome. With his quips and sideways glances he is the Maggie Smith of GoT, only he has the opposite amount of respect.
Drink every time winter is coming. WE KNOW WINTER IS COMING, ALRIGHT. I AM BRACED.
One drink for a fist fight, two drinks for incest, five for a fist fight that descends into incest.
Shots if an actual goddamn fully-grown dragon turns up at any point, after two seasons of waiting for one.
One drink per mention of the "iron throne". Which it turns out you can order a replica of for only $30,000 plus shipping.
Drink every time that, despite the incredible budget, something is done with CGI that wouldn't pass muster in the first Jurassic Park.
Drink every time that fat git up by the wall proves to be completely useless, and every time Jon Snow is called a bastard.
Apocalyptic final rule - one drink for every soldier than Daenerys manages to inexplicably raise for an army. "Possession of dragon" shouldn't be a qualification for leadership.