We're Going to Need a Guy Fieri Punching Booth at the New Dallas Farmers Market

Categories: Alice Column

640px-Dallas_Farmers_Market.jpg
We're going to need a cheesescalator, obviously.
Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

The Farmers Market is going to be rebuilt. There seem to be some ideas about what will be done, starting with tearing the thing down to the ground and rebuilding it as a pedestrian food mall by 2015. They're planning to add more local food (obviously), a rooftop deck, cafes and a band shell. But if we have until 2015, we should be thinking bigger, right?

I want to see a Scardello cheesescalator. Why build stairs when you have a badass cheese provider who could make an escalator out of cheeses?

Fudgemakers, the fudge man who's in Shed 2 right now? I'm sure he'd be all about teaming up with the Dude, Sweet Chocolate people and building a forest of giant chocolate trees for all of us to climb/eat.

See also:
- A Modest Proposal to Save Valley View Mall, Starting with a Bounce-House Bar for Adults
- What Downtown Dallas Really Needs Is More Hooker-ish Rainbow Light Shows

Two words: Wine stands. Like keg stands, but fancier. And only after 8 p.m., obviously. Sommeliers, let's get Dallas wine-hammered.

Dean Fearing and Stephan Pyles will captain the Made-Entirely-of-Stephan-Pyles'-Blue-Corn-Muffins-and-those-Tiny-Tacos-from-Fearing's Muffin & Taco Ship (aka The Cougar Yacht).

Just-Tre-Wilcox's-Arms will be there, among the tomatoes, taking autographs.

There'll be a support group for people with family members who commit food crimes, like ordering steaks well done. Tiffany Derry will nod when you reveal how difficult it was to stand up for yourself when friends made fun of you for eating mussels. "We'll get through this," John Tesar will say as he side-hugs you.

I want Willy Wonka to shit his candyman pants when he sees this foodtopia. I want Jacques Pepin to tell people about how inspired this kick-ass farmers market is and how delicious ranch dressing body shots are. I want Guy Fieri to be ... punched in the face multiple times, HOW DID I NOT THINK OF A GUY FIERI PUNCHING BOOTH YET? ADD IT TO THE LIST, PEOPLE.

I want BBQ Snob Daniel Vaughn to weep when he sees the Pecan Lodge-sponsored barbecue sauce river with the Lockhart Smokehouse-sponsored sausage gondoliers in it using Luscher's Post Oak Red Hots gondola sticks to steer. I want Jonathan Gold to walk in the doors of one of our amazetits food sheds and be all, "No. Effing. Way." And we're like, "Total. Effing. Way, Jonagold."

If you insist on tearing this place down, for the love of truffles please rebuild it into something cool. The last thing Dallas needs is for you to tear down a food shed to rebuild it into an only-semi-better food shed. The end.

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14 comments
joearpaio
joearpaio

Wow, more not funny stuff.  Super effective for driving away readers.

todd
todd

Put me in the "I don't understand the dislike of Guy " group.  Regardless of him being a douche or his highlighting small businesses, you can choose to not be exposed to his unsavoryness by changing the channel or turning off the television.              

SoccerMom
SoccerMom

Why exactly would you punch Guy Fieri?  Is it because he brought national attention and business to the Dallas Farmers Market?  Is it because not only Pecan Lodge, but the Farmers Market as a whole that benefited from the exposure? Is it because he highlighted great food in our city?  Or, maybe it's because he takes his time to highlight and celebrate the small business of America that make our country great.  Other then being a jerk, why don't you list an actual valid reason for your ridiculous statements.  Now, I'm thinking we should have a Alice Laussade punching bag, and I'll be first in line...a line that will no doubt be as long as the lines at Pecan Lodge ever since Guy & DDD paid a visit.  It's amazing what journalism has become today...sad quite frankly, very sad.

Justin_Fourton
Justin_Fourton

Regardless of whether you like his personality or not, the publicity from Guy Fieri's show will send tens of thousands of people to the Dallas Farmer's Market this year. For some, it will be their first trip ever to the area and for others it will have been many years since they have even considered making the trek. They will come to eat the food they saw on show, but they will also wander the market...purchasing produce, desserts and other items that the hard working people who own those businesses sell. They will enjoy themselves and tell others about the experience. Instead of punching the man in the face who shined a spotlight on the Farmer's Market, perhaps we should thank him.  

Mervis
Mervis

Wow, two weeks in a row you target a 10 year old who can't defend himself. Where are all the haters from last week?

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

I don't understand why that fat, over-the-hill "hipster" is so popular.

Abby Goldstein
Abby Goldstein

I'd punch him---multiple times, even at the risk of breaking my own hand.

Coleman Chance
Coleman Chance

the problem with a Guy Fieri punching booth is that you would have to make physical contact with Guy Fieri.

grow_up
grow_up

@joearpaio If you don't like it...stop reading it and go away... trolling is super immature and disrespectful

joe.tone
joe.tone moderator

@SoccerMom How about a compromise: We set up a booth where Guy and Alice just punched each other in between bites of brisket. That sounds fair, no?

AliceLaussade
AliceLaussade

...But we can all agree on the cheesecalator, right? Brie or Parm wheel?

timdickey
timdickey

@Justin_Fourton Guy Fieri's review of Pecan Lodge, and the deluge that followed is the best thing that's happened to the Farmer's Market in the last 25 years. And that amazing brisket, of course.

joearpaio
joearpaio

@grow_up @joearpaio Wow, talk about immature.  

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