An Open Letter to Klyde Warren

Categories: Alice Column

klyde_warren.jpg
Danny Hurley
That's grass in the middle there. Eventually it will be replaced by trampolines.
Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on (roughly) the same day of (roughly) every week, making it (roughly) a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

Dearest The Klyde Warren,

It's my hope that you do not become a total douchebucket, since your billionaire dad named a park after you.

Wait, are we still calling it a "park"? It has pingpong, a reading room and, soon, a fake ice rink. Next I hear they're adding a Jerry Jones Plastic Surgery Mart, waterskiing and, for your 18th birthday, a Pig/Stripper Farm. This isn't a park. It's a theme park. It's gonna need a mascot. How about a big-boobed succulent? People like succulents.

As I was saying: You will probably grow up to be total douchebucket because this park was named after you for no reason other than "Because: rich, bitches!" But being The Kid Klyde Warren Park Is Named After does afford you a few unique Choose Your Own Adventure life options.

Option 1: Get old as soon as possible. Nobody understands why a park would be named after a 10-year-old. Everyone hears that name and assumes you're 100. So tell people you're 60. Likely result: Hot chicks want to bone you because you're rich and they think you're closer to death.

Option 2: When people ask why a park is named after you, tell them you invented something significant to Dallas. Like The Popped Collar, The Amuse Bouche or Bitches. Likely result: You're revered as a god until you die, at which point Klyde Warren Briskets and Blow Jays Day will be celebrated yearly in your honor.

See also:
- Making The Dallas St. Patrick's Day Parade Family Friendly: A Letter To The Mayor

Option 3: Tell people they named the park after you because you did some amazing charitable act for Dallas, like you told Mark Cuban he has awful face, or you told an entire class of SMU freshmen that scarves are for winter. Likely result: 200 book deals, nominated for Sainthood, ladies errywhere.

Option 4: Only hang out with people who have stuff named after them. Good candidates: Ross Perot, T. Boone Pickens, Lyndon B. Johnson, Dickey. (Note: Most of these people are dead -- that's generally how people get things named after them. See: Option 1.) Likely result: You create a gang of mostly geriatric rich dudes and eff ess up in this town. Awesome ensues.

Option 5: Move far, far away, never tell anyone the park is named after you and change your name to the opposite of Klyde Warren (Greg Montopolous, Grundle Perkins or DJ Beef Tips, obviously). Likely result: Anal warts.

Good luck and Godspeed, friend. Your dad really screwed you with this gift.


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97 comments
MattL11
MattL11

Alice, as somebody with a sense of humor, I say good job. This one cracked me up. After all, we were all thinking it...

Daniel
Daniel

It is more than one month later, but I am still mad. MAD! I AM MAD ABOUT THE "WRITING" IN THIS "COLUMN"! How dare you take an innocent 10-year-old boy and roast his tender nuts over the spit of your own bitterness. I WILL NEVER PAY ANOTHER RED CENT FOR THE OBSERVER THIS SO-CALLED "NEWSPAPER" THAT MAKES ME MAD, SO MAD!. 

KingInTheNorth
KingInTheNorth

Wow, people should ask Siri about Satire. I assume people in 1792 actually believed Jonathan Swift was serious about his Modest Proposal that the poor Irish should solve their economic troubles by selling their children for food to the wealthy. I'm leaning more towards the author simply commenting that naming the Park after a 10 year old could place a negative burden and stigma on him. Maybe that's just me and I'm not being sensitive enough. I am appalled every time someone satires Honey Boo Boo, so I must be a hypocrite.

TXYankee
TXYankee

Christ, Alice - you were wonderful in the "Cheap Bastard" column - a damned shame they yanked that one.  Now, I actively avoid your contributions, because you come across as a complete hack more and more with every offering.  The overuse of cliche' pop-terms dig you deeper into the mental abyss - it's a pity that you didn't hold up after CB.  Put down the pen - you're embarrassing yourself, as well as an otherwise decent (relatively) independent paper.

Dallasphotog
Dallasphotog

It would  be good to see people get involved in comments on subjects that really matter.  88 comments for this, when serious issues go unnoticed. 

Mervis
Mervis

Geez Alice. Who knew so many uptight douchewads read the Observer? Still luv you girl!!

gollyrojer
gollyrojer

I got as far as Option 2 and called it quits. Not for the tastelessness, which is calculated, but for the lack of entertainment value. It isn't funny, it's boring. I read half of it; that was enough. Actually, too much.

cajunscouse9
cajunscouse9

This is cowardice by the "journalist". Or lets just call her a writer. Going after a kid is just low and should be beneath The Observer. This person should be shown the door. The editor should put a full page apology in the next issue. The Observer has let me down.

pgrove1704
pgrove1704

I didn't like this article. I know the kid is wealthy; but he is only a child. You can hassle him about being rich when he gets older.

Alicedoesdallas
Alicedoesdallas

This is a nasty article lacking any actual literary merit or thought... But after this article, He could sue for Libel. Hope Alice has a good lawyer!

Surprised
Surprised

This article is trash in it's concept and execution.  If it's not meant to be resentful, then the humor just isn't there.  I bet he's a nice kid who hears this kind of presumptive crap waaay too often from other 10 year olds.  Klyde and his family probably don't need to hear it from you.


Dallasite
Dallasite

As bad a job the author did writing this column, isn't there supposed to be an editor who might read it before posting and possibly realize this is crap writing and might insult quite a few readers? Journalism has truly sunk to new levels.

John Yarbrough
John Yarbrough

Great column. Read between the lines. It's not directed at the kid, it's directed at the dad. I think young Klyde Warren will be just fine.

raventx
raventx

An open letter to Alice Laussade - okay maybe a note.

What a bitter attitude you have.  Yes this article will draw lots of views, so enjoy your 15 min of fame while you have it.  But like a snake enjoying a bask in the sun on a warm spring day, eventually you too will want to crawl back under the rock from whence you slithered.

tito.alcala
tito.alcala

I think its a great attraction to dallas, who cares what the name is... Nobody pays attention to the name anyway

katieduncan24
katieduncan24

Here's a thought... Maybe Klyde can use his $ to sue you just for being a douchbag!!! Pick on somebody your own size you loser!!

tegrayjr
tegrayjr

It's just a column people, get over it.

Monika Haworth
Monika Haworth

The author's next Open letter should be a letter of apology to this 10 year old child.

CapGuy
CapGuy

This periodical has fallen a long way since L Miller

Kathleen Benanti
Kathleen Benanti

They should utilize Main Street Gardens for extra space. Just a thought. Poor Klyde :/

ramseyhk
ramseyhk

Wow, this writer has to be the least classy writer in the country. Attacking a kid who had no control over any of this? Im done with the Observer, not that there was much good in it anyway. Still running escort ads in the back? Stay Classy.

mremanne
mremanne

Hey, Dallas. How's your Klyde?

getPeace
getPeace

This article hurt my heart, digusted me and made me mad. I love Klyde Warren Park, and my duaghter LOVES it too. I am assuming that you don't have children. Klyde's Dad obviously has a good amount of money and wanted to give his son something wonderful. He was nice enough to share that something wonderful with Dallas. I will pray that this innocent child learns to ignore judgemental, jealous, negative and hurtful people as he grows older. I want the best for him because he now is a public figure. I am sure that his father will teach him well, to have respect even for those who don't deserve it, to disregard ignorant babble, and to love his community.

FEDUP
FEDUP

MORONS with money, Want to make Dallas pretty? Only way I know of would be to turn it into GLASS!

Rachel Stone
Rachel Stone

OMG I JUST got the name of this column. Alice Column!

superbjorn
superbjorn

this is amazing. what cajones and not douchenozzlery it takes to name something after someone who has done NOTHING to deserve the honor. Good job Alice!

daviddennard
daviddennard

Option 6.: Totally ignore Alice Laussade whiny, bitchy, disrespectful and ungrateful comments made by a (supposedly) grown woman to a 10 year old child and go on with your life unfazed. Alice is clearly inappropriate in her public comments to a young boy, whether he was involuntarily born into wealth or had a park named after him, or not. WTF!

Meanwhile Alice, be grateful that Dallas gives a shit about you enough to spend millions of dollars to make your unhappy, wretched life just a smidge better by creating a lovely park for you and the city to enjoy...or not. And by the way, he who pays gets to say, bitch. 

Gabriel Garza
Gabriel Garza

I'm a bit disappointed in Alice's commentary. I've read much of her items, and know much of it is tongue-in-cheek, but this is really inappropriate. There's no place for this type of belittling of a child. Attack the park all you want, but leave the kid out of it.

Osvaldo Garcia
Osvaldo Garcia

Lol dude has his own park awsome. Hope he turns it into a cool place for kids of all ages to hang at.

Melissa Black
Melissa Black

This author is operating under the impression their writing is clever and thought-provoking, and they are sadly mistaken. I can't tell if the point was to insult Klyde Warren, his father, the park or the city of Dallas, but more confusing than the object is why? There must be more talented and thoughtful writers and bloggers in the Dallas area. Please, Observer, go find one.

Sarah Griffin
Sarah Griffin

This is awful. Thought it would be witty and funny but attacking a young child -- that's pitiful and in poor taste.

MattL11
MattL11

@Daniel Isn't the Observer a free paper? Some threat...

Mervis
Mervis

And barely and of the regulars.

Jamie
Jamie

@John Yarbrough Then write the article about the dad. Don't pin this on the child that did not have a say or might have thought it would be really neat to have a park named after him. You would have thought that was really cool when you were 10-years-old as well. With journalists covering "bullying" so often, it questions their integrity when they are going after minors themselves.

martune
martune

@FEDUP  or send you back to what ever rock you crawled out from under.

martune
martune

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. -Robert A. Heinlein 

BGBG
BGBG

@daviddennard wow.  you are an awful person and must be a delight at parties.

TXYankee
TXYankee

@Melissa Black Well said.  I've enjoyed her work in the past, at least in the Cheap Bastard column.  Largely because it had a point (affordable/quality lunch options are helpful to know about, after all) - but it also wasn't so loaded with mind-numbing catch phrases and bitterness.  While I initially respected the Observer's decision to hold onto the author beyond Cheap Bastard's existence, without a productive column her high school-grade attitude falls flat.  If I want a truly amusing experience in terms of cynical observational humor, I'm far better off watching Beavis and Butthead.  That's material that gets it right.

martune
martune

@BGBG @daviddennard  He is an "awful" person for standing up for a 10 year old? Really? Ridiculous. Based on his comments, he seems to be very intelligent and has good grasp of the rules of grammar and punctuation.  He is welcome to attend any party that I give!

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