A Modest Proposal to Save Valley View Mall, Starting with a Bounce-House Bar for Adults

Categories: Alice Column

valley-view-mall-10.jpg
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Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on the same day of every week, making it a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

Whoa, Valley View Mall. What happened? When I was a kid, you were the awesome mall. You had the best Gadzooks and a kickass Foley's, and I had my first Thirsty's at you. We would always hang out at Valley View Mall. But I was in you the other night (I hear it, and I don't care), and things are rough with a capital Fucked Up.

If I got a gift card to Valley View Mall for a friend today, that would be considered the most highly hilarious joke gift of the century. "Don't spend it all at Image Shots, the knock-off Glamour Shots!" That's really a storefront listed on the current directory. Other winners on the directory list online: Charley's Steakery, Browz A Round and Dr. Pham (FYI, not a gynecologist. An optician.).

In April 2012, Beck Ventures announced they're redeveloping Valley View Mall. They say they're going to create a $2 billion mixed-use development, which they'll call Dallas Midtown, because Big Big Bigass Stores Place, Not The Galleria, We Promise It's Not Shitty Anymore, The Part of Dallas Where Everything Goes to Die Except Target & Chili's, and Klyde Warren Mall were already taken.

See also:
What Downtown Dallas Really Needs Is More Hooker-ish Rainbow Light Shows

They say Dallas Midtown will offer retail storefronts, restaurants, residential units, office towers and a high-rise hotel. But that's a buncha crap Dallas already has. Times 12. As a concerned citizen, I took it upon myself to conduct a thorough public opinion poll (sample size: me; margin of error +/-1), and everyone agreed that instead of brand new chain restaurants and shops, Dallas Midtown desperately needs these items:

1. Adults-Only Bounce House Bar: Finally, a place drunks can break their faces that can also be sanitized in a snap!

2. Edible Antique Furniture Store: All the edible antique furniture you can eat!

3. Will It Blend BYOSmoothie Shop Extreme: You bring it, we smoothie it, you drink that smoothie. Blenders range from normal-sized to king-size-bed-sized. You have to drink all that shit if you make it, though. No go-cups.

4. Have you ever heard of a 24-hour day spa/car spa that has round-the-clock babysitters available? No, because you fuckers have been too busy building stupid hotels. This will be better. Let's get it.

5. Mini-Golf Dog Park Graveyard. (Self-explanatory.)

All right team, let's stop building the same retail shops and shitty condos over and over again and calling them "mixed-use developments." Good talk.


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25 comments
kafromet
kafromet

Many moons ago my fraternity rented a bounce house for a party. It was... ill-advised.  

 They aren't as easy to clean as you would think since anything you try to hose out just winds up in the corners.  There's also no easy way to extricate yourself when someone (or you) starts vomiting.  So it's a family guy style chain reaction of terror and disgust.

bburtcpa
bburtcpa

I love the enthusiasm. Dear posters...make it what u want. All u need is about 50-100million to buy it, change zoning, and build a nonrevenue producing use that loses all of your money. Back to your $37k/year cubicle please.

racaniello
racaniello

Please no more shopping. Yuck. We have enough. How about making it all about sports/fitness/swimming, rock climbing walls, etc....something directed towards healthy lifestyles for both kids and adults. Healthy restaurants, veggies on menus, a REAL improvement to Dallas. I know. I should move to Berkeley.

Travis_Rex
Travis_Rex

If this had anything to do with Arts and Culture, the author might have actually bothered to visit Valley View and see that there are some people utilizing some of the space for you know, Arts and Culture.   Instead the author insists on writing vapid bullshit that passes as "articles"..

Go see the Galleries at Midtown. There are some great artists and teachers there utilizing what for all intents and purposes has been dead space.

godivebvi2
godivebvi2

So they're going to turn it into the Galleria, but with residential units.  Will the units have scenic views of the neverending construction on LBJ or the craptastic apartments to the north? When I was a kid, the only thing in that space was Sears.  Then they built the mall and it was great!  In high school we used to hang out at Farrel's Ice Cream Parlor. It's sad to see what a pit it has become. Maybe they should wait until Texas legalizes gambling and turn it into a giant casino with regular concert tours booked?

lzippitydoo
lzippitydoo

Get rid of those low life apartments to the direct North and South of Valley View Mall and you can upgrade the area!!

weezwas
weezwas

Is that "Beck Ventures" as in Glen Beck? Certainly don't want to give money to that crypto-fascist!


tenebrae23
tenebrae23

When I was a kid, Valley View had rest stations with stone animals that you could climb on. They apparently weren't thinking about head injuries. They also had a Disney animatronic Christmas display throughout the entire mall which I thought was cool. Not to mention Aladdin's Castle. Does anybody remember the Spencer's like store called Rats? I know it was there but I can't find any record of it anywhere.


erichood98
erichood98

Is the article picture of Southwest Mall in Dallas?

ChrisDangerShow
ChrisDangerShow

As long as they have blackjack and strippers, im there..

John D Vrbanac
John D Vrbanac

as someone who lives in walking (stumbling) distance of valley view, I could get behind this.

ruby
ruby

I worked at The County Seat on the second floor around 84-85? Can't believe Prestonwood is gone as well.....

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

I used to work in that mall at the Journeys, we were at the base of the ramp from the food court and crazy kids used to come buy Heely's and then their parents would let them use the ramp, it was 99% fail rate on the  ramp for first timers.  It was hilarious to see how some of those kids busted their asses

dickles
dickles

@bburtcpa Well put!  rananiello sounds like a Democrat.  Let's have Obama buy it for $50 million and make a park out of it.  We could serve free veggies and have fitness classes.

cheapbastard
cheapbastard

@Travis_Rex 1) I went to Valley View, which is why I wrote this. I saw a lot of things: sadness, empty spaces, a used-to-be-Gadzooks with a wedding reception happening in it, and a movie. 2) You're totally right about everything else, though. Especially the bullshit part.

Mervis
Mervis

Isn't LBJ to the south of the mall?

markzero
markzero

@weezwas Pretend like you will, until after the company has invested millions. Unless there's any hint of them getting tax incentives or other subsidies. (Surely they won't, because that would be contrary to Ayn Rand, right?)

markzero
markzero

@erichood98 Had to look that one up, it used to be called Red Bird Mall :)

Both malls had Sanger-Harris stores, from which that cool tile artwork survives. (Alice remembers it as Foley's.)

US175guy
US175guy

@Andrew Corey Howard If there weren't QUITE so much traffic on Preston, Montfort, and Dallas Pkwy., and if Alpha didn't pothole you to death (and make you go get dentures after your teeth are shattered from it) -- maybe, MAYBE the Valley View area would be bikeable.....

markzero
markzero

@eloiseapalooza I think you misread my comment. Southwest Mall used to be Red Bird.

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