What Downtown Dallas Really Needs Is More Hooker-ish Rainbow Light Shows

Categories: Alice Column

TexasOUOmni.jpg
Justin Terveen
What's with all those sad, dark buildings? This ain't Des Moines!
Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on the same day of every week, making it a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

Reunion Tower got new lights last year and, like someone who just got a new pair of fake tits, it's showing them off at every opportunity. Stars win a hockey game? SPECIAL LIGHT SHOW. SMU wins debate tournament? HEY, YOU GUYS, DID YOU KNOW I CAN LIGHT UP WITH SPECIAL LIGHTS? Thursday? OMG HOW HAVE WE NOT DONE A SPECIAL THURSDAY UNDERPANTS LIGHT SHOW YET?!?!

Some might say that the multicolor light show cheapens not only the look of Reunion Tower, but also our entire Dallas skyline. Some might say that these crazy light shows just make Reunion Tower look more like a giant vibrator than it already did. Some might say they hate the shits out of those stupid lights, why did anyone ever change any of that shit, change is bad. And to Some, I'd say, "Welp."

But, maybe this isn't a problem at all. Maybe Dallas should be even more of a total light show hooker. We've got a few LED-hookered-up buildings already: There's the aforementioned Reunion Tower Vibrator, The Omni is obviously the biggest light-show-hooker (if not the tallest), there's that Hunt Oil building with the swoop on it that lights up all crazy off of Woodall Rodgers and even that One Arts building has just that one light up square on it that changes colors for no reason (which is a little sad, 18-and-up-stripclub-light-show-hooker-poseur compared with all the other hooker light show buildings, really).

Maybe what Dallas really needs is millions and millions more buildings with light show lights. Not like Vegas -- that would look trashy. No, I'm talking classy LED hooker lights. Lady of the Night building lights. Thousand-dollar-escort-type light shows. Courtesan light shows. High-dollar, Kim-Basinger-In-LA-Confidential-hooker light shows. (These are definitely the terms professionals use to sell these lighting ideas to property owners. They must be. Otherwise, who would do this shit to a perfectly good-looking building?)

We need more LED light shows so people know that the ones we have up right now aren't an accident. We're doing this on purpose because we like it and we think it looks cool and not dated at all. Screw the boring green Gumby lights on the Bank of America building. We need more glitz. Let's light that keyhole building up with Mark Cuban's face. Or The Lumineeers. They're not from Dallas, but that song they sing about sweet ho's is super hot right now. How about LED light shows on those churches downtown? Ooh. Or Dealey Plaza? Dealey Plaza would totally be classed-up with a nice display that scrolled "OMG, JFK, WTF you guys?"

Whatever we do, we can't just leave the skyline looking like it does right now. It's not hookery enough. We need more scrolling text in our skyline, stat.

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32 comments
sirlarr
sirlarr

As someone who just wants to live in the 80s future, I think we should put neon LEDs on every hard edge of every building.

I guess the round ones too.

Ok so every surface of every building regardless of shape. 

daveys35
daveys35

Reuinion Tower is not a dildo.  It is a HUGE COCK.

seltzernator
seltzernator

wow alice, could you be more old and jaded?!?  sounds like someone missed their nap...

scottoldner
scottoldner

Thank you Alice for Observing the legal "hookery" in Dallas.  We do "call girl" lighting here at Scott Oldner Lighting Design as well as classic building exteriors and have some projects downtown.  Downtown Dallas has suffered a lack of nighttime traffic compared to other cities, but the change is here.  Since the CDA lacks a cohesive nighttime lighting design (no funds for the 1998 Downtown Dallas Lighting Plan), the developers have to do the "hookery".  Most of our downtown clients shy away from the "hookery" and opt for the "call girl", classy programming schemes.  Equal opportunity lighting for sure.  So bring on the Blade Runner if you must, but make it creative, classy and different and get more people downtown, into the Museums, restaurants, live music bars and shops. "Have you ever seen Dallas from a DC9 at night. Dallas is a jewel, Dallas is a beautiful sight" - Joe Ely.

patrickd.farmer
patrickd.farmer

You better get use to the light show.  LED's are, bright, cheap, use less energy and take a long time to burn out.  Corporations are looking for an edge.  Big buildings have always been a who's got a bigger one contest. The good news is the hookers can use the light to count change.  Oh, and thanks for the imagery for Reunion Tower.  Now I will always see it as sex toy, and not a water tower.

elroyhavoc
elroyhavoc

I agree with @Jamie_L. I'd like to order the FULL BLADE RUNNER please!! Light's aren't just hookers, they're the future. Tokyo? Shanghai? That's how it's done, son. 

Kelsey Birdsall
Kelsey Birdsall

I lost interest after the use of underpants. I guess the intro is correct, I should be writing my own column.

Elizabeth Hart
Elizabeth Hart

75202 is my zip code & I LOVE the lights. Way the hell better that the 80's when the only lights after dark were police lights. It turns night strolls into fabulous!

pgrove1704
pgrove1704

I like the lights. And the One Arts building lights give the Temperature forecast. If its Red the temp is warming if Blue the Temp is cooling. Just fyi.

J_A_
J_A_

I love this. MORE LIGHTS! UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ! Let's all pretend we're at EDC when we go downtown!

Kathleen Spreen
Kathleen Spreen

I'm thinking the author ***ALICE*** is jealous and wants to light up the skyline with her own rainbow lights!

Nairb Retseik
Nairb Retseik

And a nice constant burning tire fire light from jOak Cliff.

Jennifer Witter- Darwin
Jennifer Witter- Darwin

that article is stupid... I just wasted a few minutes of my life reading it. I live downtown and love it. Does this lady want it to be dark and gloomy?

alteredjustice
alteredjustice

dear blogger r u being sarcastic plz write me back thnx

Cecil McGee
Cecil McGee

Well then I guess it's good that she's been charged downtown lights. Like tits. Really?

crrojahn
crrojahn

Or, and hang with me on this, you could all move to Omaha. Yep - I like that idea best. 

plsiii
plsiii

Just to be clear, hunt oil bldg is not a good looking building.

Jennifer Allen
Jennifer Allen

This is in the dallas Dallas Observer? Seriously?

Jamie Sims
Jamie Sims

The WHOLE WIDE WORLD needs more hooker-ish rainbow light shows, by dammit.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

I believe Chase Tower (The Keyhole) is already LED illuminated with blue.  cubans face would look much better LED'd onto Museum tower, that way he could walk out of his condo in the W, look east and itd be like looking in a mirror with his already over inflated head reflecting back at him 100x larger.

Torchness
Torchness

Psst.  Alice.  DealEy Plaza.  I only mention it because that's my favorite line of the article.

Jamie_L.
Jamie_L.

Alice, thank you for addressing this very important topic. My dream of living inside Bladerunner will never come true is we keep half-assing it with our super fancy prostitute lights. MORE EXPENSIVE SEXYTIME LIGHTS PLEASE DALLAS.

hix.miblue.john
hix.miblue.john

Dallas needs downtown casinos to go with the lights. Open it up, full speed ahead and to hell with the bible thumpers.

Sharon_Moreanus
Sharon_Moreanus topcommenter

Must be why is was red last night when the temperatures where falling.

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