Making The Dallas St. Patrick's Day Parade Family Friendly: A Letter To The Mayor

Categories: Alice Column

st patricks day dallas 2012.jpg
Mike Mezeul
They could be a family. And they're definitely friendly. COUNT IT.
Welcome to Alice Column, in which Alice Laussade writes stories about things on the same day of every week, making it a column. Got an idea for a column? Start your own blog and write it up, you lazy shit.

The Greenville Avenue St. Patrick's Day Parade is now named the Dallas St. Patrick's Day Parade. And word on the green-beer-puke-filled street is that City Hall thinks it wants to make the event more "family-friendly." I have written this letter to the mayor in response.

Dearest The Mayor,

As an Irish, I'm first and foremost confused by the idea that the Dallas St. Patrick's Day Parade could be any more family-friendly than it already is. What is more family-friendly than holding a toddler in one arm and a yard of beer in the other?

But if you still insist on attempting to make this parade more family-friendly, I can see how this could benefit both drunks and toddlers, as both of these groups of people share many common needs.

I offer these thoughts for your consideration as you define what changes you'll be making to this wonderful Dallas event that would create a more family-friendly, and as a result, a more drunk-friendly environment:

1. We're definitely going to need more boobs. Drunk people love boobs, and toddlers loooooove boobs. Don't make the knee-jerk decision to remove boobsy women and men from the parade floats. We need those boobs.

2. Tilt-a-whirls and pony rides are a no-go. Kids and drunks both think they like these things, and then they inevitably end up barfing and crying when the rides are over. Plus: pony poop.

3. Babyproof (and, as a result, drunkproof) Greenville Avenue. Cover every sidewalk and sharp corner with that spongy material they have on the floor at gymnastics centers. Cover all electrical outlets. Hide all household cleaners. Green sippy cups for everyone.

4. Designated nap areas. Simply rope off some grassy medians where people of all ages can pass out. Night lights will be needed for the evening, as "the dark is too scary."

5. Story time for the toddlers, obviously led by the drunks. This could go a couple of ways: Either get some board books for the drunks to attempt to read, or go with an open-mic situation. Either way, you'll absolutely end up hearing the spoken lyrics of "Living On A Prayer." Which is a win for all involved. It's a good story.

In closing, I reiterate that this parade really doesn't need to be any more family-friendly. That's what Frisco is for. We keep all the family-friendly shit there.

Maybe instead of spending time talking about making this parade more family-friendly, we should, instead, focus on something Dallas really needs: a cat park. It's probably well documented somewhere that our dog parks need to be more cat-friendly. There's not even one cat park in this town. That's jacked up, The Mayor.

Thank you for your time,

Alice


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15 comments
TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

"As an Irish..." *LOL*


Shouldn't that be "Azz nnn Irssh..."

Jackie Herrera
Jackie Herrera

Does anyone have information as to who we are supposed to contact for parade entry info? please help! :)

SeanSparks
SeanSparks

I love you forever.

And yes, Dallas DOES need a cat park. Several, in fact, as the cats will become bored with the first one as soon as they perceive that it exists ...sometimes I think that hipsters might just be people who want to be cats, but aren't down with having to dress up and go to furry conventions.

hix.miblue.john
hix.miblue.john

Why are we trying to make every event so touchy feely friendly family oriented when singles far out populate the country than married people. Some events are not made for families as the bosses in LasVegas found out several years ago when they tried to market sin city as family entertainment.  It didnt fly there and it will not fly in Dallas on St Pattys day.  Give us singles some respite from the breeders.  You dont see us singles crashing the PTA meetings, Lamaze classes, family dining establishments or playgrounds in the park. After all, isnt it enough that we have to pay more in taxes than those that have settled and we get discriminated in the restaurants we walk into alone by being given the worst seats. 

Kram Nalpak
Kram Nalpak

There are plenty of other events for us heathens, you just have to look a little harder to find them. :) But once you find them, maaaannnn....

kris_1225
kris_1225

This is Junie B Jones as an adult.

Megan Jerai
Megan Jerai

There are plenty of family friendly events throughout the year. let us heathens have at least one day! ugh lol

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

Alice, please post Hizhoner's reply. You could be the 21st century Lazlo Toth.

primi_timpano
primi_timpano topcommenter

On my bucket list is taking a tiger to the dog park. That would be fun.

Tim Smith
Tim Smith

Yea we do need a cat park. With boobies.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

A cat park?  WTF, you trying to get Myrna out of her loft?  She better be careful, bc the Jimmy Johns driver may run over her cats on the way to said park

navarro4
navarro4

@Jackie Herrera email me at navarro@raizpr.com. I'm the event producer.

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