Downton Abbey Asks: "Please Collect Your Gifts from Edith's Jilted Wedding"

Categories: Film and TV

Wedding-Cake.jpg
While hiding all evidence of the wedding, the help cleverly disguised the cake as a houseplant.
It was a crushing ordeal to watch. Just as it seemed that everything was aligning for Jan Brady Lady Edith Crawley, wide-eyed goofball, early-bird dining enthusiast and longtime Bell's palsy sufferer (unconfirmed) Sir Anthony Strallan abandoned her at the alter.

In effort to remove all visible wedding evidence after the torturous incident, the gifts were crammed into an unused 14th bedroom in a drafty wing on the estate. Sadly, many of the formal, lengthier cards were separated from the presents during relocation. The Abbey has reached out to Mixmaster, and we've promised to post their announcement on our blog regarding which items still need to be collected. If any of these are yours, please send a note to Mr. Carson, along with a forwarding address.


Gifts Received for the Strallan/Crawley Affair

1.) A dog-eared copy of Sir Anthony's favorite piece of time-period pornography, the 1872 smut parade, Lady Bumtickler's Revels.

2.) Shower support bar and grippy tread footprints so that Strallan doesn't fall while in the tub.

3.) A wooden box carved with intriguing detail that seals airtight with a lock and key. The note attached says: "Dearest Edith, I know that we haven't always gotten along in the past, but I'd like that to change moving forward. To aid in this endeavor, whenever you feel compelled to act on instinct, simply write that action down. Next, seal it and your emotions in this box, then behave in the opposite manner. We'll be fast friends in no time. -- L.M.C."

4.) His and Her Driving goggles. Hers appear to be modeled after Florence's latest fashions. His seem to be a specialty purchase: prescription trifocals lenses that also accommodate astigmatism, glaucoma and general droopiness.

5. A hand-knitted arm sling, embroidered with the phrase "Somebody at Downton luvs me!"

6.) A back brace, caffeine capsules (the newest thing from Rome) and sleepytime eye masks. The note attached reads "Happy honeymoon!"

7.) A collection of floorplans to Miami Beach condos. There is a note: "Dear Edith, when this union fails, remember that American men aren't nearly as selective. D.C.o.G."

8.) The newest medical alert bracelet available, complete with groundbreaking "carrier pigeon technology" in men's size 14.

Thank you for your assistance during this sensitive time.
-- Staff of Downton Abbey

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4 comments
ToscasKiss
ToscasKiss

Very cute, y'all.  Did anyone else think Mary's last minute, pre-wedding, 'heart-felt' comment to Edith was kind of mean, right before the ceremony (even if it had taken place)?  I don't remember exactly what she said right now, but it struck me as ungracious and at least a bit mean.  Anyone else?


Also, "alter" still should be "altar."  But, very cute conceit for this article; thanks.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

Edith is well rid of that "broken-down old crock", as Edward referred to him.  Lady Cora, in a marvelous Nietzschean moment, comforting Edith after being jilted: "You are being tested, and you know what they say. Each test makes you stronger."  Matthew was beginning to rake my nerves with his high and mighty honor shtick.  At least Downton is now saved thanks to Lavinia's letter, which Matthew had the cheek to accuse Mary of forging.  And dear Mrs. Hughes.  I'm happy the tumor was benign.

The Witch and the Bitch are back at it, with the Bitch spreading a rumor that the Witch was leaving Downton.  I can't wait to see what she has in store next installment.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

@ToscasKiss Remember that the two sisters have committed unforgivable acts of meanness to each other in the past, and that nicey, nicey would make the show a bore.

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

Oh, and congrats to Dame Maggie for winning the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress.

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