15 Things You Should Actually Have On Your Baby Registry

Categories: The Parent Crap

go the fuck to sleep.jpg
Until the kid can laugh, read it books that make you happy.
11. Books.
Bon Jovi Songbook, Grocery List, it won't really matter as long as you pass on the board books in the beginning. If you start reading a board book to a tiny, tiny infant, you'll start to die a little inside. Don't do that shit to yourself until the kid is old enough to laugh while it chews on the corners of Go The Fuck To Sleep.

12. A sign you can hold up to your friends and family that says, "Nope."

To be used when you hear:

"Did you see on the news about ..."

"Did you hear the newest track by ..."

"Have you seen that movie that came out three months ago that everyone's been talking about?"

"Do you want to hear me tell you more detailed information about how the baby bottles you've chosen (sub: anything about what you're currently doing with your newborn) are wrong?"

13. Whatever material is used by the mothers of amateur drummers to soundproof the garage
Some sort of foam, maybe? Who knows. Whatever it is, at around three months you're going to want to use it to line the doors of the nursery and the door to your bedroom. Then you're going to wrap the baby monitor in it a few times. Then it's time to CRY THIS SHIT OUT.

gucci diaper bag.jpg
There's going to be dirty diapers and shit and booger particles in this bag. Don't spend a fortune on it. That is triple dumb.
14. Screw the diaper bag. Get a good backpack.
You don't need to register for a fifty million-dollar, one-shoulder strap diaper bag. Get a good backpack and keep some Ziploc bags and extra clothes in it -- clothes for the baby and a shirt for you, too, because poop and pee and barf don't discriminate -- for blow-out situations that will occur as soon as you get cocky and think to yourself, "Going out of the house with an infant really isn't that hard, you guys."

15. See No. 1
Seriously, though. Forget painting the baby's room. Get some booze in your house. Now.

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2 comments
ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

4 am feedings are a beating, you have not quite got enough sleep to get your day going, and not enough time to go back to sleep to make any difference, then if the kid decides that, no in fact he wasnt just hungry, he actually wants to play, and by play I dont mean in the crib, I mean laying on you, beating you in the man tits with his fist and kicking you in the nuts because you dared tried to close your eyes.  when does it stop?  I want 8 hrs of straight sleep please

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