15 Things You Should Actually Have On Your Baby Registry

Categories: The Parent Crap

boobmilk tester.jpg
Need.
6. Home test for booze in boobmilk
Hey, Drunkie. If you're going the boobmilk route and you're also human and you like to drink beer, you're going to want this. It tests your boobmilk's booze level, to make sure you've got food on tap that's safe for the kiddo. Genius.

7. Household cleaning products, preferably organic and delicious.
There will be barf. And piss. And poop. And blood. Everywhere. Instantly. And it's not just a baby thing -- it's a once-you-let-a-kid-into-your-house-at-all-and-forever thing.

I didn't believe this until the day that I had to explain to my toddler that "we don't wipe poop on the walls." She was actually shocked and a little embarrassed. She said, "Oh," as if it was a complete revelation and was thankful for this pro tip.

Floor cleaners should probably be organic, as you or your kid will likely be licking the floor at some point. For the kid, it'll be curiosity. If it's you, it'll be the delusions brought on by sleep deprivation.

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80stees.com
Just make your tiny baby one of these bubble wrap suits.
8. Those bumper corner things for tables and pointy furniture, safety latches for some doors, outlet covers
Buy Buy Baby probably has this on their list, but they don't have the right method for knowing where to put the stuff. They recommend that you buy a metric shit ton of it and cover every surface of the house with it. That's not necessary. Just get a trusted friend really drunk, let him crawl around the house, see what he breaks his face on, which outlets he sticks his fingers into, which knife drawers he tries to open, and baby proof that stuff.

Do not skip the outlet covers. If there hadn't been outlet covers in the outlets in that poop story I told a second ago, there'd be poop inside that outlet for life. If all else fails, make bubble wrap clothes for the kid and hope for the best.

9. Paper napkins, plates, plasticware
Dishes? Ha. You're cute. Your whole dishwasher is now full of tired baby bottles.

10. Gift cards from restaurants that offer delivery
Can you register at Thai To Go? You should find out.


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2 comments
ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

4 am feedings are a beating, you have not quite got enough sleep to get your day going, and not enough time to go back to sleep to make any difference, then if the kid decides that, no in fact he wasnt just hungry, he actually wants to play, and by play I dont mean in the crib, I mean laying on you, beating you in the man tits with his fist and kicking you in the nuts because you dared tried to close your eyes.  when does it stop?  I want 8 hrs of straight sleep please

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