15 Things You Should Actually Have On Your Baby Registry

Categories: The Parent Crap

Screw registering at Babies R Us. This is where you really need to register.
If you've ever been to a baby shower, you've seen the same gifts over and over again: baby bottles, baby diapers, baby blankets, baby clothes.

Sure, people who are expecting to have a baby-type person enter their lives need those things. But there's a ton of other shit that Babies R Us and other baby-centric retail stores are recommending that you register for that you just don't need. So, put down the baby-wipe warmer and register for this actually useful list of tiny-baby-person essentials instead:

1. Maker's Mark
Or whatever your booze of choice happens to be. You need to stock up on your "fixes everything" drink now, before the baby comes. Once babymageddon hits, that window of time your body used to have between "I'm fine" and "MUST HAVE BOOZE DRINK NOW" will close completely. Prepare thyself.

2. Eight thousand D batteries
Someone bought you a baby swing, but you didn't realize you'd have to power that thing yourself. If the baby swing runs on batteries, stock the eff up, friend. We still refer to the one time our baby swing ran out of batteries in the kid's second week of life as "What Is Happening Who Would Do This To Us What Just Happened Oh My God No" Day. Don't let this happen to you.

3. Netflix subscription.
What will you do during 4 a.m. feedings? Get hooked on five straight seasons of Sons of Anarchy, obviously.

4. A coffeemaker that a dog could figure out
You'll need espresso. Nothing fancy, just the drugs. One-button preferable. If you have a smart dog, start training it to start the coffeemaker today.

5. Cup of water next to your bed
This will not fail. When you've finally fallen asleep at 10 a.m. after a sleepless night, your phone will ring. It will be a caring, loving, interested-in-how-you're-doing friend or family member. To avoid this, simply drop your phone in the water. It's not like you'll have time to communicate with friends and family via mobile device anymore anyway.

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ScottsMerkin topcommenter

4 am feedings are a beating, you have not quite got enough sleep to get your day going, and not enough time to go back to sleep to make any difference, then if the kid decides that, no in fact he wasnt just hungry, he actually wants to play, and by play I dont mean in the crib, I mean laying on you, beating you in the man tits with his fist and kicking you in the nuts because you dared tried to close your eyes.  when does it stop?  I want 8 hrs of straight sleep please

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