It's Not That Hard: Just Put the Dang Elf on a Dang Shelf, People

elf-on-the-shelf.jpg
Should be easy and fun. But, now, parents are making it into work. Dammit, parents.
In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.

It's Christmastime again, and if you have a toddler at home, that means it's also probably Elf On The Shelf time. If you've never heard of Elf On The Shelf, let me explain: It's a dumb thing parents do that can only end in self hate and tears.

Oh sure, Elf On The Shelf seemed like a cute idea when you bought one for your house. "We'll set him out every night, tell the kid he reports back to Santa so they'd better not be assholes, and it'll be like we've got a Christmas watchdog right in our house. Hell yeah."

But apparently, these days, simply putting the elf out on the shelf is not enough.

Parents are staging all kinds of ridiculous scenes each night as their kids sleep. The kid wakes up to find the elf in a sunshine-and-rainbows-type scene like this:

elf shave.jpg
via asmallsnippet.blogspot.com
Or this:

elf snow angel.jpg
beckieandbrad.blogspot.com
Elf Snow Angel is so cute, I want to punch him in the tit.
The elves are constantly "causing mischief," like making snow angels on your floor or baking cookies in the kitchen and spilling flour everywhere. Why the hell would you screw up your house for this? Would you drop Christmas thunder on your own floor and put the elf by it and pretend he did it? Don't answer that.

And this is just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

When I first heard about this, I thought I must just be around someone who was singularly obsessed with making this harder than it needs to be. Then I found out that this is a real thing that lots of parents are into. It's a "thing."

The other day I heard a mom say the actual words, "The Elf On The Shelf is stressing me out this year." Stressing you out? You saying that you're stressed out by Elf On The Shelf is as ridiculous as me saying, "We can still be friends after this."

"Pinterest has a ton of creative ideas," SuperMegaMom said, as if this was a completely normal conversation.

"I know! I have a calendar with all of my ideas for the month, so I can keep it all organized," HighAndMightyMom bragged. The fuck? This the fuck:

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27 comments
Justin 'Dub' Cook
Justin 'Dub' Cook

I was (and, still am) completely behind this sentiment...but, Southwest Airlines' Elf on the Wing pics they posted yesterday were kinda awesome.

hgolubski85
hgolubski85

Just pinned your elf barfing, FYI. 

lemonaioli
lemonaioli

Nothing but creepy. He's the Christmas Chucky.

Heather Rinaldi
Heather Rinaldi

Our house can only handle so much magic in a year (Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy). The Halloween Candy Fairy I found out about from my kids at 6 pm on Halloween can go to Hell too. When the "Candy Fairy isn't coming to our House Meltdown" ensued, there were 2 choices I considered: 1) "Santa isn't real either!" 2) Trading their candy for Enron stock certificates...instead, I told the kiddos that the Candy Fairy can't come down our chimney because she's even fatter than Santa.

Pamela White
Pamela White

Tiffany R'shel I so totally agree!! I was just thinking that when Elfie was bungee jumping at midnight!! Woke up thinking tell me again why "Elfie" is having to wait til kiddo is sound asleep!! LOL!!

Tiffany R'shel
Tiffany R'shel

It should be called "Elf, as if your parents didn't have enough to do during the holidays, on the shelf".

Joanne Meyer Jones
Joanne Meyer Jones

These things creep me out and will NOT be on any of our shelves. LOL

CheeryBitch
CheeryBitch

It's stunning that some parents these days are too lazy to be a parent, but will put effort into this Elf crap.

CJ Dylan
CJ Dylan

The author of this tried to be cool AND funny. Double fail.

Curt Eichelberger
Curt Eichelberger

i don't get it. I guess this was a thing my parents deprived me of.

gmunsey
gmunsey

@momnonstop this. is. awesome.

theslowpath
theslowpath

I didn't even know about Elf on the Shelf until the Kegel the Elf showed up on the League.

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

He doesn't scare my heatherns at all..and their still of the "dumb age' ..

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

Between Pinterest and Elf on the Shelf, my FB timeline has been abducted by women who now make me despise them.  Yep, they bitch and moan about how much time its taking up yet every morning at 8 am, I rifle through 24 elf on a shelf photos of unoriginal shit that they stole from pinterest as a project for their little shitty elf.  This makes me want to punch my self in the dick

ReadRoger
ReadRoger

@timmytyper @thecheapbastard "I'm pretty sure they're actually sadness." I'm a better human now.

RLStrickland
RLStrickland

@thecheapbastard I once froze an Elf on a Shelf in a block of ice and blamed my nieces the next morning #elfonashelfconfessions #ifeelbetter

Georgia DeVega McCullough
Georgia DeVega McCullough

I hate that little, creepy bastard. You need to check out "Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition Gone Bad"....hilarious!

momnonstop
momnonstop

@gmunsey my favorite line is the profanity ridden ones.

CheeryBitch
CheeryBitch

@ScottsMerkin Are you in my FB feed? It's the exact same shit, right down to the calendar! So glad my kid is old enough to know better. Hell, she was old enough to know better when she was 5.

gmunsey
gmunsey

@momnonstop I love the part about the people who come in to Michael's. HA HA HA!

gmunsey
gmunsey

@momnonstop I want to reply to every darn Elf on the Shelf tweet and photo with that link. Muahaha.

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