Dear Dallas Parents: This Halloween, Try Not to Dress Your Kid Like a Hooker

Categories: The Parent Crap

hooker halloween options.jpg
"Wait-- where's the hooker gnome costume? I was told there would be a 4T hooker gnome costume. Dammit, Halloween is ruined for my little angel!!!"
In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.

It's a known parent fact that if you want to be the best parent ever, you've gotta come correct on Halloween. It starts October 1, when you can feel the Mom Craft Energy hit Hobby Lobby straight in the hobby junk.

See also:
Why Are We Dressing Our Adorable Kids Like Douchey Adults?

As I was scouring the Target aisles for the perfect costume for my kid, I realized that there's a theme for girls' costumes that seems to be developing popularity. Based on the costume selection available, every little girl either wants to be a princess or a hooker. In some cases, a princess hooker. Sure, there were Eeyore costumes and banana costumes for toddlers. But as you get into the 4T size range, everything takes a nonstop flight to hookertown.

Fairytale Hooker

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In five years, you're all, "Why's she out so late at night all the time with strangers?" This is why.

Barbie Hooker

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"Excuse me, do you have these pink furry high heels in a size 3?"

Hello Kitty Hooker

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To complete the look, buy an extra set of Daddy issues for $3.99!

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My Voice Nation Help

"Daddy issues", getting man laid for decades.

Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Going with a Jim Schutze costume, got the whole outfit at Goodwill for under $10.

Being Meg
Being Meg

amazing you have to even write an article about this. just amazing.

Karina West Hilton
Karina West Hilton

Oh, and THEN there was the "Starfire" costume which needed "modesty shorts" underneath it!

Karina West Hilton
Karina West Hilton

OOhhh, have a I ever had to talk Pip out of some of these costumes. She tried for several years to get me to buy her a "Japanese school-girl uniform" costume that looked like it was straight out of a lap-dancing catalog ("But Mom! That's how they dress over there!" "Well, that's NOT how we dress OVER HERE!") Then it was a "sexy cat" costume. She finally came up with something herself last year that didn't bring to mind pole dancing. ;-)

TheCredibleHulk topcommenter

Ahhhh, Halloween. Those little costumes are just the equivalent of training bras for their little princess' SMU aspirations. Probably not too early to start training them on jello-shots, either.


I've gotta say, there's nothing sexier than watching the jiggling ass of some co-ed in a micro-skirt-kitty-cat costume as she bends over and pukes in Avi's begonias.


And the award for Most Rapid Fire Mad Libbing goes to... Ben! Congrats sir, on a job well done.

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