Dear Dallas Parents: This Halloween, Try Not to Dress Your Kid Like a Hooker
In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.
"Wait-- where's the hooker gnome costume? I was told there would be a 4T hooker gnome costume. Dammit, Halloween is ruined for my little angel!!!"
It's a known parent fact that if you want to be the best parent ever, you've gotta come correct on Halloween. It starts October 1, when you can feel the Mom Craft Energy hit Hobby Lobby straight in the hobby junk.
As I was scouring the Target aisles for the perfect costume for my kid, I realized that there's a theme for girls' costumes that seems to be developing popularity. Based on the costume selection available, every little girl either wants to be a princess or a hooker. In some cases, a princess hooker. Sure, there were Eeyore costumes and banana costumes for toddlers. But as you get into the 4T size range, everything takes a nonstop flight to hookertown.
In five years, you're all, "Why's she out so late at night all the time with strangers?" This is why.
"Excuse me, do you have these pink furry high heels in a size 3?"
Hello Kitty Hooker
To complete the look, buy an extra set of Daddy issues for $3.99!