Wear This, Not That: Costumes for Getting Laid This Halloween* (NSFW)

Categories: Halloween

Condom costume.jpg
*Advice for dudes. You wanna get laid this Halloween, ladies? Show up.

Sure there's the parties, the drinking, and the overwhelming desire to piss every time you get your goddamn costume on. But Halloween is about much more than that. According to scholars, All Hollow's Eve initially incorporated traditions from pagan harvest festivals, at which everyone wore the sexiest foliage they could find and tried like hell to get laid.

See also:
- Dallas' 20 Best Halloween Events And Parties
- The Ten Best Costumes From Comic Con Fan Days

That, of course, continues to be tradition. But guys, you can screw up without saying a word before you even get a chance to screw up by being lousy in bed.

Here are five costumes that will guarantee you go home with your hand and some Lubriderm on Halloween, and some much better alternatives that might get you a shot at a real live woman.

Don't: A Condom (above)
When you dress up like a giant condom, we can only assume this is the closest you've come to using one in years.

Adult baby costume.jpg
Spicy Legs
Do: Overly Attached Baby
Want to be humorous? How about going as the result of using that one, super old condom you have left in your wallet? Hilarious! (Seriously, buy new condoms.)

* * * * *

The Flasher costume.jpg
The Mask
Someone get my vagina a drink of water.
Don't: The Flasher
This costume practically guarantees women as dry as the Sahara. Nothing looks more unattractive than a man in a nude body suit.

X-Ray Skin Costume.jpg
Do: X-Ray Second Skin
If you insist on wearing a body suit, make it this one. Pretty badass. But make sure you have the body for it. Please.

* * * * *

Plug and Socket costumes.jpg
Don't: Plug and Socket
You see the woman in the picture above? The socket to your plug? Yeah, she doesn't exist. She never has. You will be wearing your little plug all alone, desperately searching for your socket-mate.

Edward Scissorhands costume.jpg
Do: Edward Scissorhands
Dead set on having metal object protrude from your body? Go with Edward Scissorhands. An eternally sexy character thanks to Johnny Depp, you shouldn't have too hard a time finding your very own Kim in this costume.

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