Fellow Parents: Why Are We Dressing Our Adorable Kids Like Douchey Adults?

Categories: The Parent Crap

baby bikini.jpg
Available in 2T.
See also: Dear God My Kid Wants Me to Take Her to Chuck E. Cheese

In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.

Earlier this summer, I was shopping and came across this bikini in Zara in the Galleria. I thought, "Man -- the ass you'd have to have to pull that off. This thing's tiny."

Then I looked at the sizes it was available in and I saw 2T, 3T and 4T-- this freaking swimsuit is for toddlers. What in the Gerber farts?

How do the salespeople sell this thing? "Ma'am, this swimsuit would be suuuuuuuper sexy on your baby." "This swimsuit has SPF50 in it, so it'll protect her from the sun's harmful UV rays. Well, it'll protect the 5% of her that it covers." "It goes perfectly with these clear velcro platform shoes we have with the little fishies in them!"

Other things on the list of stupid shit people apparently buy for their offspring: This stroller that costs a thousand bucks.

bugaboo stroller.jpg
$1,059 at Nordstrom. And it doesn't even have any beer in it.

If I'm paying over one thousand dollars for a stroller, it had better have airbags, a liquor cabinet and a portal to a world where I get to do all kinds of normal-person shit (Ex: Pee with the door closed; sleep until forever; complete an entire conversation without ever being interrupted by some short person yelling, "I CAN'T REACH THE LIGHT" or "WHY IS THIS YOGURT?")

Another sign that parents are assholes with too much money: This $20 ice cube tray.

beaba ice cube.jpg
People are paying $20 for this.
Because, when your infant sweetly projectile burfs homemade sweet potato apple puree into your smiling, open mouth, you'll definitely be able to taste the difference between food that came from some bullshit ice tray and food that came from a "multiportion food freezer tray." What did that lady in the picture's hands make, by the way? Split pea jello shots?

Moving on.

true religioun baby.jpg
The jeans are $88. But, remember-- it's not the poor doucher baby's fault. You can probably blame his aunt for this.
Six-month-old sized designer jeans? They're $88, and they've got buttons. Guaranteed it takes three hours and a quick-care visit to wrestle those onto a squirming infant. And once they're on, great! Now you have a douchebag baby! The only difference between the douchebag baby you just created and the douchebag adult version is that the douchebag baby shits his True Religion jeans while he's sober.

Why do we insist on dressing our kids like adults? Babies are the only people who can wear giant shirts with buttons in the crotch + no pants + yes socks + no shoes and crawl around the park yelling, "Fork!" without someone calling the cops. Let them have this wonderful, wonderful time. Stop the dumb, you guys.

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33 comments
Becky Menefield Smith
Becky Menefield Smith

I agree!? I think it's completely crazy to dress your kid in name brand anything?? They don't know what they're wearing,lol all they wanna do is have fun and get dirty? I simply have to laugh at parents who think they're kids have to dress like lil adults. just so they can look "the part"... Teaching ur kids to be materialistic is what your doin;/...

J_A_
J_A_

Hey, that Hello Kitty bikini is adorable dammit

p.neerman
p.neerman

That Hello Kitty bikini goes with a Hello Kitty House in case you're wondering.  :)

frozenchrysalis
frozenchrysalis

I honestly don't understand how some people spend 150+ on a single outfit for an infant/toddler that will either: destroy it before it gets worn 3 times or outgrow it before it gets worn 3 times.

TheCredibleHulk
TheCredibleHulk

Good lord. What else can we sell to these parents?

 

Maybe a line of toddler-friendly bluetooth devices so that junior can look just as pretentious as daddy as they stroll the galleria waiting for moomy to get done at Bergdorf's.

horridbabynames
horridbabynames

Everything that is wrong with this country is in this article.  We think that by raising our children with a $1200 stroller or home made pureed peas they'll grow up fine.  They won't.  

Meechity
Meechity

I simply must have that multiportion food freezer tray. I smust.

thecheapbastard
thecheapbastard

I swear, @STFUParents. If I see one more Ed Hardy logo on a toddler.

DayJahVoo
DayJahVoo

And I thought I was being douchy when I dressed my little ones with shark fins on their hoodies and duckie bills on their beanies and stuff.

zach_westfall
zach_westfall

@orthecreedence love referring to the toddler as "that little fucker"

Sotiredofitall
Sotiredofitall topcommenter

Psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others originate those feelings

Daniel
Daniel

This might be the wrong room to air this grievance in, but I reserve a special class of contempt for people who dress their kids in Dead Kennedys and Ramones t-shirts. If they (the parents) are so fucking punk rock, then why are they treating their kid like some kind of brand-name handbag to show off at the mall? They think that's punk rock, do they? A punk is a skinny, flaccid drug addict. I KNOW most of these hipster parents aren't on drugs, and half of them aren't even flaccid. I hate them. Hate. Them.   

joe.tone
joe.tone moderator

So, um, Alice ... can you not look in my kid's closet tonight? No specific reason, really. Just don't, please.

MAPLEANDMOTOR
MAPLEANDMOTOR

@thecheapbastard @the_mixmaster Let's call it vicariousity....or drevility.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

my mother is trying to douche my 3 month old up with a fuggin North Face fleece onesie for the winter.  Its $65 bucks, he 3 months old, he might wear in 3 time WTF.  Id be happier if she just sent me $65 worth a diapers, since I change this fucker every 2 hrs 

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

I always get a good laugh when visiting the bro-in-law and checking out their pearhead's new Nikes..What's that? Oh, they were only 50 bucks..heck yeah, y'all should of bought more than three colors.

orthecreedence
orthecreedence

@zach_westfall I get it. You change the critter, then right away they look at you, smile, and take another giant dump.

BabyArm
BabyArm

 @Sotiredofitall Impressive use of words that contain multiple syllables which start with P. The free world anxiously awaits your next masterpiece.

 

hredmond79
hredmond79

 @Daniel 

"A punk is a skinny, flaccid drug addict."

 

God, I would hate to throw you for a loop when you see that my child adores Rollins.

 

Sounds like someone's a little hung up on The Sex Pistols and himself, to me.

suzanne
suzanne

 @Daniel

 I'll never forget the day I was pushing the cart through Target and my 3.5 year old started singing Beat on the Brat. Too funny! He wears a Ramones tshirt because he loves the Ramones. He's 7 now and has graduated to the likes of Jack White and Alajandro Escoveda, but he will alway sing to the Ramones.

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

 @joe.tone lol, how old is your little guy now?  are the sleepless nights getting better?  I get 4-5 hrs now

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

 @ScottsMerkin Scotty, if I were your wife and I heard you refer to the baby as "this fucker" I'd give you such a bat round the moosh.

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

You have to throw down the law on the Grandparents..Fucking Target has about a million of my after tax dollars from countless trips for diapers, wipes and formula.  We do appreciate the old folks buying some shoes from time to time, but 60 dollar onesies, which will be grown out of in 2 months is redic.

 

You think changing one of em every two hours is fun, think about two of the dirty lil guys.

Double-O-Joe
Double-O-Joe

 @BabyArm  @Sotiredofitall 

Criticize his language if you must, but he's right.  Parents (or which I am one, admittedly) project their own desires onto their children with crap like this.  We want our kids to be who we think we are, whether or not it's correct. 

 

Douchey parents create douchey kids.

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