Parenting Tip: Blame Your Baby for More or Less Anything, Including the Deficit

Categories: The Parent Crap

charlie-bit-my-finger.jpg
Charlie is a douche.
In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.

Babies are great. They're cute, they're made of you, they say funny stuff -- aside from the occasional bodily function gone wrong, they're rad. One of the best things about babies is that you can blame stuff on them and people won't ever know until the baby becomes a kid and starts saying words like, "My parents are liars."

See also:
The Gateway Drug to Everything Awful About Parenthood

If you're new to parenting, you might not know all of the things you can blame on a baby, so here's a handy list of the basics:

1. Being late to everything all the time.
The whole "The kid was stalling" thing? That's a lie. Babies are actually stunningly punctual. But nobody knows that because babies talk funny and none of us can understand their milkdrunkspeak. So keep claiming that babies are slow as hell. Everyone will believe you.

2. Leaving early.
"If we don't leave now, she won't fall asleep tonight." Read: "I very much dislike your company and your wine offerings. Peace out."

3. Forcing other people to work with your schedule "because of nap time" or "because of a feeding."
Such bullshit. But it works like a charm.

See also: Why Are We Dressing Our Adorable Kids Like Douchey Adults?

4. Can't even make it to the party.
"Sorry -- we couldn't find a babysitter. I knoooooow. I'm so sad, too." Lies. Do you know how many grandparents exist on this planet? Who cares if they're not related to you? One can find a babysitter when one wants a babysitter.

5. Spilling/breaking stuff
I spilled a beer and blamed it on a baby. It wasn't even my baby. That's how good I am at blaming stuff on babies. Don't judge. Learn, Grasshopper.

6. Politics
Got annoying friends who insist on talking politics? Blame a baby and political conversation = over. "Oh, the budget isn't balanced? Shock. Maybe if the President wasn't so busy shaking hands with babies, he'd have time to do whatever it is that presidents are elected to do in addition to shaking hands with babies." "Maybe if babies would stop crying all the time, Democrats and Republicans could stop being so Democratty and Republicany."

You don't have to have a baby for this one to work, but it helps to at least have one around so you can point directly at it while you're blaming it for the failure of our great country.

7. Global Warming
Once you know how to blame a baby for political problems, it's easy to blame them for pretty much all of the world's big issues, including, but not limited to, global warming. Any way you look at it, babies are the ones causing global warming. Their smiles are obviously melting the glaciers. The cutest babies are the biggest part of the problem. It's that easy.

8. Farts
Easy money.

9. Lashing out
If you are a parent, at any point of any day, whether your baby is in the same room as you or not, you can blame your baby for making you into a monster. "I'm sorry I punched you in the mouth out of nowhere and for no apparent reason. I have a baby. Here is a picture of the baby."

10. The Internet
You know what's wrong with America? The Internet. And you know who I blame for The Internet? Babies and kittens. Because they're obviously the ones who invented it. How do I know babies and kittens invented The Internet? Because they're all over it. Google any word plus "baby" and there's a photo or a link to something. Evidence:

Search: fart baby

Search: Star Wars baby

chewbacca baby.jpg

Search: not a baby

not a baby.jpeg

So the next time your Internet connection is lost, or you're late to a meeting, or the government is failing, you know what to do: blame the baby. You know you've earned it.


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8 comments
ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

1. why do people always want to get together around 1, that my baby's prime nap time, so we always blame him for us being late.

2.  had the whip reversed, was having a blast at a party with kids, wifey says we have to leave now, my one year old didnt get his nap in so the wife insisted we get him home bc he was tired, had no nap, and it was after his bedtime 8pm.  

3. see 2

4.  fuck that, Im always going to the party, bc right now parties still involve bbq, beer and kids less than 2 years old.

6.  Politicians and babies, both whiney as fuck and full of shit, lots of shit, like shit up the back and down the legs and in their hair

daisydoodle1996
daisydoodle1996

@thecheapbastard so, how do you blame the baby when you're late to pick them up? Teach me Obi Wan.

jverner
jverner

One of my depraved friends insists that AlGore invented the Internet and porn was the driving force behind it. 

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

I've used all of these Alice, and the fart and beer spilling more than once.

thecheapbastard
thecheapbastard

@daisydoodle1996 "He told me it was 3:10 pick up today-- stupid baby. Sorry I'm late. Every day."

daisydoodle1996
daisydoodle1996

@thecheapbastard Perfect!!! Now I have an excuse for why I'm 30 mins late picking E up. You aren't late, I am!!!

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