Dear God My Kid Wants Me to Take Her to Chuck E. Cheese. What to Do, What to Do?

Categories: The Parent Crap

chuck e cheese.jpg
The "E" stands for "Go fuck yourself, and don't forget the antibacterial soap on your way out!"
See also: So, Dallas, There's Going to Be an Art Exhibition in a Swimming Pool

In The Parent Crap, Alice Laussade chronicles life as a mom in Dallas. Worried you're screwing up your kid? Tweet questions to @thecheapbastard and she'll confirm that, yes, you're screwing up your kid.

Being a mom is a blessing. A child is a precious, stinking, explosive diarrhea-having gift from your poor, poor vagina. And one day that beautiful, steaming pile of gift will say to you, "I want to go to Chuck E. Cheese, Mom." And you will think, "Fuckball." And you will say aloud, "Who on earth has told you of such horrors, my darling?"

Your Gift will say, "The Dinosaur Train." And you will consider never donating to PBS again. But you will immediately unconsider that because they have you by the balls with their Sid The Science Douche and their shitty newer version of The Electric Company, and that freaky Calliou show, with the kid who talks like the creepy old man from Family Guy, and you remember that one time that they ran a freaking pledge drive in the morning and interrupted The Gift's regularly scheduled pre-pre-school TV (read: your extra 30 minutes of sleep). That day must never happen again. Damn you, PBS, and your glorious educational television without commercial breaks.

chuck e cheese animatronic.jpg
Don't stare at him. He'll cut a bitch faster than you can sing, "Happy Birthday."

You will realize in this moment that you have to go to Chuck E. Cheese because PBS is not going to stop running those ads and The Gift is not going to stop talking about Chuck E. Cheese because marketing to 3-year-olds totally works. The events that follow will be more frightening than your most nightmare-y nightmares.

If you must go -- and I know that some of you must -- I now provide you with a list of things not to do at Chuck E. Cheese:

1. Do not order food here.
Eating a meal here has never been a good idea, in the history of Chuck E. Cheese. But, let me assure you, food things here have gone from bad to Dear God, Why?

2. Do not, under any circumstances, make eye contact with the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese.
Apparently that motherfucker ate all the other animals who used to be in the band when I was a kid. Dude is crazier than DJ Lance Rock.

3. Don't put your fingers or your hair or your tie in this ticket counting machine. I'm not sure why you wore a tie to Chuck E. Cheese in the first place, since I'm pretty sure it's smart casual here and not business casual, but either way, keep that shit out of the ticket-eating-death thing.

chuck e cheese hair.jpg

4. Don't play skee-ball.
When I was a kid, skee-ball was the ticket gold mine. You played skee-ball and even if you got a shitty score, you got a ton of tickets. Apparently that's not the case anymore. Now playing skee-ball gets you dick. Getting one and a half tickets for skee-ball is more lame than listening to another mom brag about her mommy business cards.

5. Don't punch the soda machine.
It's Pepsi products. Tell yourself that right now. Know that Chuck E. Cheese is a special kind of hell that serves Diet Pepsi and also makes you watch this frightening video of pre-Barney. It's on a loop. Continuously. For many minutes. It is not OK.

Your kids might have fun at Chuck E. Cheese. And yeah, you love them and all that shit. But I'm telling my next kid that Chuck E. Cheese is the park at the elementary school across the street from our house. Because this damage cannot be undone. Why doesn't Chucky have a tail?!?! And the lady at the door is so, so sad. She has clearly seen too much.

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29 comments
roycew59
roycew59

Parents need to very alert of the surroundings and be particularly aware where the Chuck E Cheese they are visiting is located tp make sure they and their children won't be subjected to an aggressive crowd of parents who are thugs, gang members, and other typical Dallasites, Groveites, GranPrairieites, Irvingites, OakCliffites, Desotoites, Lancasterites......well you get the drift.  Heed the advice of John Derbyshire.  

bigsteve1tx
bigsteve1tx

As a board member of KERA ... I could have done without the rant on PBS ... but let me bring a perspective few have in this post.  

 

At 15 years of age ... and earning $3.15 an hour ... I actually was Chuck E. Cheese (Prestonwood Mall location) ... Yes ... I am proud to say I worked my way up from Mr. Munch to the grand daddy character of them all ... the big Chuck.  Putting on that suit smelled like rotting trash ... but I did it for the incredible pay, a small complimentary pizza w/ one topping and the tokens.  I actually had to pass a written exam and go through training to learn how to move and act like the big fella without scaring any of the children ... a pinnacle of my teenage working years.  

 

Why a restaurant would actually select a rat to serve as its branded icon was and still is beyond me.   When the store across from Prestonwood Mall closed the Manager gathered all of the other minimum wage earners around and shared with us the sad news.  One person started crying ... and we all look at her in shock ... b/c all we heard was that we would get an extra two-weeks pay as severance.  It was the best day of my life ... I tucked away my brown smock for good ... put on my helmet and rode my moped home with the biggest smile on my face.  The only downside was I'd have to play Galaga somewhere else.  

 

From the post and video above ... it does seem like CEC has taken some steps backwards.  As other readers have posted ... love your kids ... enjoy the beer ... and find employment elsewhere.

Take it from Chuck E. himself.  

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

I had my worst feeling ever walking into a chuck e cheese as an adult.  I was kidless at the time and had to go to my neices bday party at one bc the wife was out of town.  I gave myself the creeps hanging out at a chuck e cheese with no kid of my own

Mary Silla
Mary Silla

nothing like burnt greasy pizza, and a warehouse size building filled with noisy video games and screaming children to make you want to invest your life savings in a condom company.

jillgb
jillgb

The rat trap in Plano has beer, at least, to somewhat numb the pain.  

wrw22
wrw22

Bring back the Rock-afire Explosion!!

Lonnie Beene
Lonnie Beene

Don't. Just don't. You're in charge, remember?

Eric Kline
Eric Kline

Oh I remember that shit hole... Never return.

Blake Wilson
Blake Wilson

You take her to Chuck E. Cheese you a$$hole

Melissa Howell
Melissa Howell

Chuck E. Cheese serves beer, right? I think the answer is obvious.

Gerald Parrish
Gerald Parrish

Tell her it burned down (Burn it down if necessary)

Anna_Merlan
Anna_Merlan

Pre-Barney looks like he's seconds away from stripping off that sequin number and letting things get exceedingly weird with one of those burgers.  

Joshstruckoutagain
Joshstruckoutagain

Luckily we live so far out we haven't been beat into CC's yet.  Somebody suggested it for a bday party for one of our little ones and the lovely smart wifey gal immediately blocked it out to half court...never been more proud of her!

Ron Schulz
Ron Schulz

Kill yourself ! After you go you will want too !

Myrna.Minkoff-Katz
Myrna.Minkoff-Katz topcommenter

I wouldn't worry about Chuck E. Cheese.  I'd worry about your potty mouth around that child.

TLS1
TLS1

I got out of years of Chuck E. Cheese outings thanks to the one time when my friend's purse was stolen there.  As my kids got to witness the ensuing hysteria, police activity and subsequent arrest of an employee they thought the place was Detroit 2.0, never to be visited again.

PerryMoore
PerryMoore

The rat's tail was last seen near the ticket eating machine.

Storm_71
Storm_71

I like to take my son to Chuck E Cheese to watch hot ass MILF' s like Alice.

Yowza
Yowza

@Myrna.Minkoff-Katz 1) go to CeC 2) win a bunch of tix 3) trade in said tix for a sense of humor

cheapbastard
cheapbastard

 @Myrna.Minkoff-Katz I already have a solid plan for that: I don't cuss around the kid, and I'm never teaching it to read. So, next problem!

ScottsMerkin
ScottsMerkin topcommenter

 @Myrna.Minkoff-Katz Ima mother fucking cussing machine dad but for fucks sake, we know when to use them cuss words (here) and where not too (around my kid)  Now if your kid is around I could give 2 shits (not really, im just saying that to be a dick)

 

Anna_Merlan
Anna_Merlan

 @cheapbastard Shudder. Tell your kid Chuck E. went to prison and she'll just have to settle for the playground instead. 

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