Five Ludicrous Ideas for Dallas-Set Mommy Porn

Categories: Dallas Pride, WTF?

Okay, okay. We get it. Self-published S&M-lite has an enthusiastic audience and is therefore pop-culturally relevant. And despite our earnest entreaty for something a bit more imaginative than "Fifty Shades of Beige," this week marked another huge success with a familiar reprise: Gordon Gekko (with a heart of gold and a ... dungeon of red?) swaps his de Sadean boardroom antics for bedroom ones with a virginal college co-ed or office temp.

Sara Fawkes' repulsively titled -- come on, give us that one -- Amazon best-seller, Anything He Wants (Dominated by the Billionaire), has been picked up by major publisher St. Martin's. Don't get us wrong: we are all for women writing whatever the hell they want. And we take no exception to healthy sexual exploration, including consensual investigations of dominance and submission. But damn, ladies. The recurring "money = sexual power theme" is embarrassing.

I ain't sayin' we gold-diggers, but since Dallas knows a thing or two about loving cold hard cash, this city is ripe for a bestseller. Welcome to the drawing board, where we plan our million dollar grossing literotica. Pitches appreciated.

5. SMU advertising major Vanessa Talbot meets brooding financier John Joseph Ellerton. Their psychosexual games include going to Nick and Sam's, where she watches him eat the macaroni and cheese, and trips to Neiman's, where they don't purchase a thing.

4. MLB superstar turned billionaire team owner and presidential hopeful Luke "Rip" Driver meets budding sports journalist and Ivy League graduate, Rosalinda de la Esperanto. He claims he can offer her a path to citizenship in exchange for sexual favors. When she tells him she was born in New Haven, he asks if they grow plantains there. There are fifty shades of gray between sadistic humiliation and blatant stupidity.

3. Former beauty queen and delicate southern flower with a taste for Scotch, Sue Ellen, puts herself at the hands of a sadistic rancher-oil man, J.R. Ewing... Oh ... wait. Scratch.

2. Fortune 500 CEO - get this - Estella Slater has summer intern / college sophomore Keat Aggieton daily wash the red soles of her Christian Louboutins with Benjamins, with which he must then purchase burnt orange paraphernalia. (This one has to be marketed under fantasy. A female CEO? LOL, #sadness.)

1. Megachurch pastor with swag (and a private jet), Huck Jesusfish, tenderly seduces his own wife (probably named Karen), to whom he's been married for decades, but forgot to deflower. Ripped from the headlines: they do it on the roof of the church.

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#5 sounds like a winner

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