Top Ten Alternative Dates for People Who Hate Dating

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Hi. My name is Jamie, and I hate dating. Mainly because it feels like I'm on a job interview for a position I'm 75% sure that I don't want. But instead of sitting in an office, you are at a restaurant where there are no portfolios to exchange or pens to tap, it's just two people awkwardly killing time until they either 1) make out, or 2) attempt an uncomfortable side hug and part ways. Since there's no skipping ahead to the point where two strangers feel comfortable together, why not change the format? Let's make dating fun and weird so that regardless of chemistry, both people have a blast and feel good about the time spent. Here are 10 great dates for people who want to fart on dinner and a movie.

The Anger Room
Some of my guy friends say that this is a bad date idea, because they never want to see a girl violently release her anger. But what do they know? They're single too. The same reasons given for riding roller coasters as a means for triggering love should apply to the Anger Room, a secret rentable location, where people smash housewares with bats. You blast whatever music you like as you artfully destroy stuff. Your endorphins rise. Soon you're making out on a demolished early model ribbon printer. You're welcome.

JumpStreet
No, it's not the series starring a young, dashing narc named Johnny Depp. It's a trampoline megaplex in Plano where you get to jump on crazy giant trampolines. What? I know!

"So, uh, what are you doin' later?"

Pop Into a Circus Class
Lone Star Circus Academy in Preston Hollow offers a large variety of courses that are unlikely to transfer to an accredited institution. You could take Beginner Circus Skills and try riding tiny bikes together. There's a course in beginner juggling. Also, contortion -- but that could make for a crampy ride home.

The Happy Hour Pinball Bar Crawl
Pinball enthusiasts: I've fine-tuned this one just for you. Start at Barcadia, and it's important that you go at happy hour. If you go during peak party time, some skeevy guy/girl will dry hump your date to an M.I.A. song while you're at the change machine. Nobody wants that. Barcadia has one pinball machine and it's Charlies' Angels, an older novelty game with pretty lethargic action -- a far cry from the good older games like Haunted House or Black Hole. Stay for one beer and maybe a shot. Next, head over to Single Wide. They've got a mediocre NASCAR machine and a decent Elvis. Mr. Heartbreak Hotel isn't a quick game either, and it's got a droopy flipper but you'll win a million free balls. End the evening off at Billiard Bar. There's a Dale Earnhardt Jr. game that you won't play, and a totally bitchin' Spider-Man game that you'll play all night! (You only need 25,000 points for a free game and this table moves fast. Nice ramps, solid flippers and a raging case of multiball.) By this point, you won't mind the perennial vomit smell lurking in the Billiard Bar bathroom area and those Cheez-Its in the vending machine will look impossibly delicious. Also, rad bartenders. Best night ever.

You can eat with your hands!

Medieval Times
It's a misnomer that doves are the birds of love; everyone knows that falcons are harbingers of forever romance. Besides, what's the best way to make a lady feel like a princess? Take her on a date to a GIANT CASTLE. There, surrounded by chalices and metal plates, nervous questions like "Is there food falling out of my mouth?" and "Will she think I'm an oaf if I try gulping this in one bite, when clearly it should be two?" are vanquished: you eat with your hands while watching a rodeo battle. Dinner and a movie? Snoozeville. Dinner and a tournament? Fucking triumphant!